


Tainted Minds

by Madame_Anarchy



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Anal, Angst, Batjokes, Blow Jobs, Complete, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Graphic Description, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Lemon, M/M, Male Slash, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Romance, Self-Harm, Violence, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-14 21:09:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 67,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13598430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madame_Anarchy/pseuds/Madame_Anarchy
Summary: Batman becomes blind with his anger and makes Joker pay for all he had done in a twisted way. One night, after a series of violent encounters, Joker’s life is hanging by a thread and Batman decides to take care of him before it’s too late. While Batman tries to save his nemesis, new feelings start to take shape for him. And Joker can’t deny the old unspoken truths he tried to bury deep are crawling back to the surface.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter is the heavies one and other aspects of the story are introduced later.

And there he was again, his heart and pulse accelerated in anticipation as he watched a familiar shadow appear down the street. Batman's pace was firm and determined, and him, the Joker, was not sure yet of what to do. Running? An exercise of futility since this last season of encounters with the bat had taken his health, both physical and mental, to an end. He knew he wouldn't stand a run for more than two blocks from where they were. The rain, threatening to fall in what was now their personal arena, brought a promise of brutality.

Joker decided to hide in the shadows of the corner of an alley, at the end of the street, where not even the moonlight could reach the darkness. It was getting colder and the wind would have no mercy over Joker's now so fragile frame. Batman came closer, enjoying his little nocturne hunt like he always did. Getting every time closer, and for the clown's misery, more aroused.

It has been quite a while since things changed between them and even a longer time since Joker's sick sadistic games became a twisted affection for the vigilante. What started as a selfish need to amuse his unquiet soul, with time developed into every time more desperate attempt to get Batman's attention. Joker would wait impatiently for his presence in the shadows, this was the only thing that gave meaning to his existence since random killings and robberies were making him bored to death. But all these unspoken truths never changed the fact that for Batman, their antagonism has always been about power and domination. The Joker remembers bitterly the night everything changed. He was being followed by poisoning a random politician, one just Batman would care about. Batman trapped him in an alley, that same alley, and whispered a couple of things to his ears.

"So, you like to terrorize these people?" he asked in his usual growl, coming dangerously close to the Joker and making the distance between them so small that even the clown noticed something was different.

"Don't make it bad, Batsy, I was just having fun in this tedious night" The Joker answered with a grin, but deep down, feeling some discomfort for being in his position

The Batman was every time closer to the Joker's painted face. He was looking carefully at every inch, trying not hold his breath for how much he liked his nemesis scent. It was a mixture of his expensive stolen perfume and sweat from their run. The Joker was starting to understand what was going on, not knowing how to respond. He had developed an aching desire for him as well. Yes, you can put desire on that; stroking himself every night and wishing his hand were the bat's mouth around his cock, sucking and sucking him to the point of no return.

But what was happening in that alley was nothing like any of the Joker's fantasies. He was far from being aroused, he was scared. He had never seen Batman stare at him with those eyes filled with hate and thirst for revenge. Batman soon realized he was intimidating his enemy, who had lost his mocking attitude.

"I'm sick of running after you and sending you to Arkham just to find a corpse with your makeup a month later and start this all over again," He said grabbing the other man's throat and lifting him in the air. "I'm going to make you remember this time, I'm going to make you feel sorry"

While he said those words, he was crushing and squeezing his body against Joker's, making him feel his erection pressing on this stomach, while Joker began to shake in pure fear. The clown could be mad and twisted, but nothing could have prepared him to have Batman, that he desired so much, to be right in front of him, ready to rape him in some street like he was nothing but a piece of meat.

Batman let him slip to the ground liberating his throat, making the other man cough harshly and hurt his left knee in the fall. He was now unable to run, something to add to his own terror. Batman got to the floor, putting himself over the Joker and pressing his strong tights against Joker's waistline.

"Humm, look Batsy, there is no need for…" he thought for a moment "this, whatever you're doing" He smiled nervously, getting desperate and trying to break free from the Bat's tights.

"You think so? I think we've passed to point of negotiation a long time ago" He growled back placing his lips close to Joker's ears, making him feel his hot breath in his neck.

By then, nothing else could be done, for the Bat started biting the other's neck very hard, sucking it painfully and leaving bruises everywhere. The clown protested and beat Batman hard each time, but nothing would take him from that place. He felt Batman's cock get harder and harder as he rubbed their bodies together, only waiting for him to violate him. Which he did without waiting much, pulling out the crotch area of his black armor, revealing a big erect member.

"No please, Batman, don't do this… Not like this"

But Batman never cared about the meaning of those last three words. He just pulled out Joker's purple pants and underwear and without any kind of preparation, forced his length against the other man's tight hole. The pain made the man underneath him twist and curse, but he didn't care, this felt too good to be interrupted now.

Batman was taking all his anger on his nemesis at that moment. Every frustrated investigation, every clue leading to nowhere, all the deaths, but especially Rachel's death.

Meanwhile, all Joker could feel was pain. Not only the pain of having such a big man thrusting his cock in his hole with no preparation, but also the pain of having someone he wanted close to hate him enough to rape and humiliate him that way. All he wanted was to stop all that, stop the pain, all of it. Take Batman away from him just to say how much he regretted everything. He regretted everything ever since he understood how much his actions hurt Batman's feeling. He just wanted to say he didn't want to be enemies anymore.

But that was all left aside when Batman started to fuck him harder against the floor, his rhythm accelerating and cock going faster in and out of Joker's ass.

"Batman, please stop it's hurting too much," He said in pure pain, "I think I'm bleeding, stop, please, I beg" He said in an almost crying tone as the bat ignored and got closer to his climax.

Batman groaned and cursed as he came inside his nemesis, filling him with his seed and not stopping until he had gotten all the pleasure he could from the other's body. At last, he pulled out, leaving a mess of blood and cum behind.

As he cleaned his cock and got dressed again, the Joker just curled into a ball, hiding his expression with his arms. Batman never bothered to give him a last look before vanishing into the darkness, leaving Joker behind.

All that was on Joker's mind right now, how much he felt used that night and all the other nights Batman found him and raped him. All that weakness, all that disturbing exposure, all those bruises he acquired in the last months. He got to the point where he would be so wasted he couldn't eat or sleep anymore. All he could think of were those encounters at night, that over time brought him more insanity than he was used to.

He was now sitting in the corner, his legs closer to his chest, protectively, as Batman came closer with a smirk on this masked face.

"Did you think you could hide from me that easily, Joker? How disappointing" He said mockingly

"Sadly, I knew running would only make  **me**  tired" The clown said with a voice filled with misery

"Let's get to it then" Batman said with a mischievous look

"I guess so" The Joker answered trying to sound numb, but revealing an obvious tone of anxiety and bitterness.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Batman got closer and with one hand, grabbed and raised the Joker. Before he could try to escape or make a move to defend himself, the bat gave him a very strong punch on his stomach, making the clown gasp for air. Batman threw him on the ground and was about to start getting rid of those purple pants when he heard something that made him freeze on the inside. Something that changed everything. Crying. The Joker was crying. A sudden realization came like an avalanche of thoughts in Batman's mind. What had he done? How could he have gone so far, so low? He dragged the Joker to the light so he could see him better, he couldn't believe that was happening.

It had been a while since he saw his nemesis on clear light. He was looking terrible. Frighteningly thin and with bruises all over his visible skin. His makeup and hair were poorly painted, and he looked truly tormented, as someone who has not slept in ages. Plus, he was still sobbing and crying loudly.

Batman was, for the very first time, ashamed of all he had done. This has gone way too far. When had he become this animal? He was about to say something, but to his surprise, the Joker stopped crying and a horrible silence took place in the dark alley. "Could he be dead?" He went to the floor to check if he was still breathing and fortunately, he was. But then he noticed something else was wrong. His clothes were looking slightly wet, but there was no rain yet. Batman removed one of his gloves and placed it on Joker's forehead. He was burning with fever. And one last thing was visible in the light: blood. There was blood spreading over the clown's sleeve on his forearm. Batman rolled the shirt up and saw a very ugly cut made in the direction of the vein flow. It looked severely infected, probably the source of the fever.

The bat did the only thing he could possibly do and took the Joker in his arms and carried him straight to the Batmobile. He just couldn't let him die there, couldn't keep up with all this madness. He drove him to the Batcave, panicking all the way, trying to think what to do next before it's too late.

When they finally arrived, Joker still unconscious, Batman measured his fever with a thermometer he had in a drawer where he kept some painkillers. He was not pleased to see it was 40ºC (104ºF) genuine case. He didn't have a medicine for that, so he did the only thing that crossed his mind. There was a small room on the Batcave, with a bed, a table, and a bathroom. He carried the Joker there and without undressing him, went under a cold shower with him, trying to make his body temperature drop by force. He has no idea how long they stayed there, but after a good while, he decided it was enough. Batman got a some of the clothes he had left in a small wardrobe in the room and after drying them both, he dressed a still unconscious Joker in dark jeans and a black T-shirt that were both way too big for him.

Batman measured his temperature once again and thought it dropped enough to let him in the bed alone, while he got something to clean his wound. He regretted giving Alfred a month of vacation. He needed help but couldn't afford exposing Joker and leaving him in a hospital. He had far too many enemies and going to jail right now would only get him killed. So he decided to make him his responsibility, making him recover enough until he could take care of himself again.

He did a good research and thanks to his contacts, he managed to find the proper medicine to treat the wound and antibiotics since the infection was probably spreading through his blood. In less than one hour he went to the hospital to pick up all he needed and to a random (not so cheap) store to buy clothes that could fit the Joker better.

Bruce had to put his Batman outfit once again, which was a bit inconvenient, but necessary. Joker's identity was also still untouched since, apparently, his make up was waterproof. Batman opened the door, afraid the Joker could be awake, but for his luck and also concern, he was still unconscious.

He proceeded to try waking the Joker for a bit, just to make sure he wasn't allergic to anything he brought. Looked like anything could be lethal to him in that state. When the clown opened his eyes, he got startled to see Batman close to him.

"Are you awake?" Batman asked

The other responded by pushing the sheets closer to his body and getting some distance from the man in the black armor. He seemed very scared.

"I know this is hard to believe, but I'm not going to hurt you" He said with his Batman voice

A very sincere face of confusion coming from the Joker made Batman awfully embarrassed.

"Here," Batman handed him a list with names of medicine "Are you allergic to any of these?"

Joker read it fast and answered him briefly "Not that I know" 

"Are you feeling any pain?"

"My arm…" Joker said thoughtlessly "I messed up, it's hurting like hell"

"I'll take care of it" Batman replied sadly, observing Joker's left arm had many other cuts on it. They all seemed to be caused by self-harm. "I'll give you something for the pain, is that ok? It will make you sleepy" He warned

"I don't want it. In fact, where am I? I want to leave…" he said weakly

"It will help while I clean it and make stitches… You're at my Batcave… you.. you…" Batman tried to say

"I what?" Joker asked impatiently but still not loud enough to make it sound like he demanded an answer.

"Nevermind, I'm not letting you go until I'm done helping you" 

"I'm fine, just show me the way out" He answered leaning back a little to rest on the head of the bed, eyes closing slowly.

Batman instinctively placed his hand on the other's forehead to check his temperature again. It was increasing once more. He wasted no time and gave him two types of medicine, one for the pain and another for his fever. The Joker was unconscious again by now and the bat was left alone to his task of cleaning the cut and making some stitches.

He had some experience handling intravenous medication and needles since he had to treat himself alone many times. He gave him some intravenous antibiotic and waited about one hour until it was over. After that he left to his own room, locking the door of the room where Joker was. They would have a lot to go through tomorrow.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Joker woke up in a slightly recognizable room. He could remember a small chat about allergies and nothing more. He was feeling terrible, sick as a dog, with pain all over, an itch in the left arm and worst of all, he was feeling more vulnerable than ever.

The room was painted in pastel colors and was slightly illuminated by a light coming from what seemed to be a bathroom behind him. There was a letter addressed to him on the nightstand.

"Joker,

You may not remember what happened last night, but you're in the Batcave.

I've decided to help you recover your health.

Please take a shower and when you're hungry call me using the phone in the room. Dial 000. I'll get you something to eat.

Batman"

Joker had never been so confused in his life, and being him, it certainly meant a lot. What was this all about? He was trying to remember what had happened the night before but it was a huge black blur in his mind. He had clear memories of the afternoon, bitter ones. He was feeling awful and succumbed to his self-harm routine. He was sitting on the bathroom floor and had just cut his arm with a razor, being a little bit too careless about its size and depth. He had been cutting that same spot for some time and also had made other smaller cuts in his forearm. This started some weeks after the first time he had been abused. It was a way he found to deal with his psychological pain, a way of translating it into something physical, something he could control. Or at least, that he thought he could, since his last cut was starting to concern him. And on the top of all that, he felt filthy, like his body was infected by Batman's touch. He would love to get rid of every inch of his skin.

Now on the Batcave, he sat down on his bed and looked at his left arm… He was surprised to see stitches on his fresh wound. It also had some kind of ointment on his older and not so severely infected cuts. That's when he noticed he wasn't wearing his clothes but an unknown pair of jeans and a black T-shirt, both soaked wet by what he presumed to be a fever he had sweated out.

Joker went to the bathroom and once again was displeased by his reflection in the mirror. His make up was a mess, but what really scared him was to see himself in a bright light after a long time avoiding mirrors. His face had never looked like this before, his eyes caring an exhausted expression and with big dark circles under them. He also noticed he had lost weight, again.

Close to the sink, he found some things that were clearly there for him like makeup remover, cotton and brand new makeup. Joker was shocked that Batman got him the exact same product he uses for the white foundation of his makeup, although the lipstick, eyeliner, and powder were from a different brand, he figured they could work out just fine. He removed what was left of his makeup and took a long shower. After that, he applied his new makeup and went to the bedroom to find clean clothes in a chair, which fit him better this time.

He sat on the corner of the bed and started to think about what could be his next step. He was afraid and desperate to leave that room. He read the note Batman left at least another four times, wishing it could magically answer his questions on every new read. He eventually gave up and tried to find way outs but there was only one small window in the bathroom leading to darkness, which he was too big to pass. Also, the door of the room was locked. This was so frustrating, once again he was trapped on Batman's domain. How could he possibly trust him? And even if the bat had good intentions now, what if he changed his mind again and kept him locked in that room as his personal sex slave? Just the thought made him shiver.

With his heart beating fast and anxiety growing dangerously inside of him, he sat in the bed once again and for the first time, noticed the phone in the nightstand. He was too scared and nervous to be hungry, but knew he had to eat something, simply because he hadn't eaten for at least one day and he felt like he had no strength at all. He also knew he couldn't escape from facing Batman, so he decided to just get this done with.

The Joker gathered all this courage and dialed 000. Panicking for not having a clue of what to say when the Bat picked up the phone.

"Hello" a voice growled on the other side of the phone

"Hum… hi" Joker answered in an insecure tone

"Do you want something to eat?"

"Yes… I guess"

"Ok"

And that was it. Batman hanged up the phone right after his answer.

Joker waited in that same position, he didn't have the slightest idea of what was going to happened and even though he was avoiding thinking about it, he could feel his heart beating painfully fast. He was still emotionally dependent on the Bat, even after all he had done. He just wanted to wake up from this nightmare, wake up in a world he was never abused and where he was free to feel anything he wanted for Batman. But he couldn't do that. Even in his twisted mind, the Joker knew his dependence, his feelings for him, would only get him hurt and nothing more. Right now, a sudden anger made his blood boil. The thought that all this could just be another part of Batman's sick game made him scared to death but also infuriated.

It didn't take long for Batman to enter the room bringing a covered dish. It smelled nice, but even if he were hungry, the idea of eating made him feel uneasy. He had lost weight due to a recent aversion he was developing for food, probably because his body was rejecting many things he tried to eat. All this caused by the psychological distress he was going through. Batman left the food on the table close to the door but didn't dare to get closer, it was obvious the Joker didn't want him to.

"How are you feeling?" Batman asked with his deep voice

Joker didn't answer for about a minute, making Batman think he hadn't heard him, but he finally broke the silence with a sigh.

"I'm… fine, I mean… Better than yesterday" he said in a low tone of voice and staring at the floor 

Batman took a step closer thoughtlessly, making the Joker hold his breath and close his eyes in anticipation. The bat felt like a true monster by this reaction, he could feel the tension built up in a matter of a second in that room.

"I don't blame you for not wanting me to get closer, I'll respect that. But later I must give you another dose of the intravenous antibiotic, unless you can do that yourself"

"I don't need that… Really, just let me go… I'll leave Gotham and you won't hear from me anymore" Joker said still avoiding eye contact

"If anyone finds you like this, they'll arrest you and you have too many enemies in Gotham's jail. I can't let you go for now, it will just get you in a worse situation."

"I don't care"

"I do… I know I've harmed you, but I don't want you to die"

"Is this why I'm here? So you don't get to hate yourself forever for leaving me to die in that alley?" The Joker answered sharply

Batman didn't have an answer. The Joker had a very good point right there. He wanted to say he was doing this because he wanted to make up for his mistakes, but could he really do that? Could he really expect to be forgiven one day? The clown wouldn't even be here if it weren't for all that madness in the first place.

"I don't kill, Joker. And leaving you there would be the same as doing so, as much as letting you get out of here right now. You have a bad infection spreading in your blood because of your cuts and you won't find the right medicine outside a hospital. Just let me help you, and once you're better you'll be the one who won't hear from me anymore."

"How do you even know that?" Joker asked referring to his supposed infection

"I collected your blood and sent to a lab. It's not a regular infection. You're not well at all" Batman said in a serious tone, probably Joker didn't know how life-threatening his condition was

Joker sighed and said, "Well, not like I have a choice…"

"Eat something, I'll come back in three hours" Batman said leaving the room and locking the door behind him. Bruce Wayne had some important places to be, but he was sure Batman was needed here more than in every corner of Gotham.

 


	4. Chapter 4

As promised, Batman came back three hours later with the right equipment to give the Joker the medicine he needed. The bat wasn't very pleased to see he had hardly eaten half of the food he brought but left that worry aside while placing a metallic support to hang the medicine close to the bed. After arranging everything he gave the Joker a meaningful look, waiting for him to get closer and lie down on the bed.

"Can you inject this on yourself?" Batman asked

"No" he said in a defeated tone

"Lie down, it will take about one hour"

He did as requested, observing Batman remove his gloves in the process. It was a weird feeling to see his hands without gloves, it reminded him that under that black armor, there was a man. A man that harmed him too much recently, but nevertheless, a man. Batman noticed the Joker looking anxiously to the plastic bag hanging near his head.

"What is it?" Batman asked trying to hide his curiosity

"Oh… I'm just not a big fan of needles… and that's a hell lot of serum"

So Joker was afraid of needles, that was an interesting information.

"Unfortunately, there is no other way. But I think it will make you sleep in about 20 minutes"

Batman placed the needle properly and adjusted the right flow for the serum. It was awkward to have their skins touching, even if briefly, but he was glad the other man seemed to be more concerned with the needle than by their short contact.

"I'll wait until you sleep just to be sure the flow is ok"

The idea of falling asleep close to Batman was unsettling, he hated feeling vulnerable close to him. He was trying not to look at the needle in his arm but failed multiple times, he really wanted to get that thing off.

"Why do you hate it so much?" Batman finally asked after 10 minutes

"Let's just say people in Arkham don't trust me with pills. And they are not very gentle applying injections"

"Why don't they trust you?"

"I hid some sleep inducers I was supposed to take and later put them in the guard's coffee. That's how I got out the first time" he said amusing himself with the memory

Batman was trying to conceal a smile forming in the corner of his mouth. They really underestimated the Joker by not taking such small precautions. He always had a lot of work to capture him, he was ingenious and resourceful back then, nothing like the person he had been meeting in dark alleys recently.

"So they have been using injections with you ever since?" Batman asked

"No, it took them a while to learn. I continued to put pills in that guard's coffee… but just for fun, I found other ways to get out" he said in a mocking way, sounding a bit more like his old self.

"I can't believe they let the same guard take care of your cell after the first time" Batman said almost angry with people in Arkham for being so surprisingly stupid

"They didn't" he giggled a little "But I found out where he was reallocated to and kept sneaking things in his drinks"

Batman never had such a tough time keeping his poker face on. Normally, he would be pissed by how the Joker can be restless in his task of making everyone's life difficult, having the soul of a teenage punk to cause trouble combined with extreme sophistication to get away with it. But he really was the immovable object of Gotham's unstoppable force. Someone that couldn't be reasoned or negotiated with. Joker lived his life between the lines of extreme boredom and being overjoyed. Just like Batman himself by living the business lifestyle of Bruce Wayne during the day and the adrenaline of wearing his black armor at night.

Just as much as Joker, Batman wanted to wake up from this nightmare. He wanted to live in a world Rachel wasn't dead, a world he wasn't drowning in guilt for the horrible things he had done to another human being. He started all this because he wanted to protect the people of Gotham, but maybe Harvey was right, he lived long enough to see himself become a villain.

He looked at Joker, lying in bed with his eyes closed, wondering how hostile his mind could be to him to make him look so agitated in his sleep. But there was nothing he could do to fight the demons inside Joker's dreams. He came back an hour later, removed the needle from Joker's arm and wrote him another note for when he woke up. He had lived enough as Bruce Wayne for today, it was time to show Gotham his other face.


	5. Chapter 5

Two weeks passed in a very blurred way for Joker. His biological clock was getting messed up because he didn't know how the day was outside, he didn't even know if it was day or night since the room had no windows. Not that it mattered, he would rarely go out during the day unless it was necessary. It was all very confusing since the medicine made him feel sleepy and when he was awake the effect lingered for a while, making him feel some kind of hangover from it. But the sleep was never soothing, he would always feel betrayed by his eyes closing against his will and wake up agitated from nightmares he would have frequently. He was sleeping a lot, but never for eight hours straight.

He was getting better when it came to the infection, not having those dangerously high fevers he was having in the first days. For the first time in a good while, he felt his physical health improving, even at a slow pace. Today Batman promised to remove the stitches he made on his arm. Joker hated to look at his arms because he would often miss the feeling of cutting himself and because the sight of that last cut made him feel like he owned Batman his life, which was at least, hard to swallow. He even asked Batman to adjust the room's temperature for him to wear long sleeves or a coat.

His physical health was a working progress, but his mind was still a hostile place for him. He always had a very intense flow of thoughts, which he was used dealing with when those ideas were of things he wanted to do and plans for blowing things up. Every day a new crazy idea taking shape and becoming a plan to catch Batman's attention. Or just to entertain himself. But his thoughts and feelings were focused on other things now and his restless mind was punishing him a lot. There wasn't one day he didn't feel disgusted with himself, still a side effect of the abuse he had suffered. He would shift very abruptly from feeling angry and revolted to pure sorrow after the rage was gone, often incriminating himself for crossing the line by killing Rachel. He hated to be so fucking right. It really takes only one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. And that was valid not only for himself but for Batman too.

At this moment, he was on the sorrowed spectrum of his feelings. He decided to take a shower, in the hope it would make him feel better. He did manage to wash properly, leaving his arms to be the last thing he would clean, as always. But when he got to that part, a wave of unforgiving emotions rushed in his head, it almost felt like all the oxygen in the room had disappeared. He sat down on the floor, water falling on his body, he was breathless. Batman. That bastard had, indeed, saved him. By all the work his recovery was taking, it was every time clearer to him he would have died that night or not long after that if it weren't for Batman's change of heart. And he was there every single fucking day asking him if he felt better, bringing him food, sticking to his promise to help him. Joker hated to admit, but Batman was conquering his affection once again. Maybe not his trust, but the old feelings were threatening to return. He pressed his arm against his chest, his mouth contorted into a scream that never left his throat.

Some hours later Batman knocked on the door of the room and waited for the answer to enter. He was really trying to do everything he could to make Joker more comfortable around him, including giving him the right to say no to his visits. Sometimes he didn't want to see him at all, and Batman understood that.

"Can I come in?" he asked with his Batman voice

"Yes"

He showed up with some things like surgical scissors, tweezers, bandages, cotton and rubbing alcohol.

"I just sterilized the scissors" He informed while getting the chair, placing it closer to the bed and sitting on it. Joker sat close to him, but in the bed, taking off his coat and offering his arm so Batman could start removing the stitches.

Batman made a frustrated face and said, "I forgot the anesthetic, I'll be right back"

"Wait!" Joker said before he could get up from the chair "It's ok, just go on with it"

"It's just outside in a drawer, it won't be long"

"Just do it, dammit!"

Batman frowned under his mask, he didn't understand the reason for this request but did it anyway. He first cleaned the region with the cotton and alcohol. After that, he used the scissors to cut the first line very carefully. When he used the tweezer to pull the line, he got a glimpse of why the Joker didn't want any anesthetic. His expression changed, he seemed to enjoy that pain in his arm. And that was true. Joker was addicted to cutting and had been craving for it every day, but he had nothing to cut himself with ever since he got here. Batman gave him a razor to shave but waited outside the bathroom and got it back every time. The Bat wasn't careless for one second.

But there he was, trying to satisfy his masochism. It wasn't like cutting, the pain felt different, but the location of the pain pleased him. Batman observed it all through the process of removing the rest of the stitches and putting bandages on it. The vision was disturbing for him, he wasn't used seeing this kind of thing so closely, like a psychiatrist would. Joker wasn't even trying to hide the fact he was enjoying it.

When it was over, they remained silent for some time, but the silence wasn't awkward. They both wanted to talk to each other, they just didn't know how to start. They almost never talked for the sake of having a conversation, it was mostly like a doctor's appointment kind of conversation most of the times.

"Bats, just go ahead and say what you're thinking, you want to ask me something, right?"

Batman got a little upset with it, when did he become so easy to read?

"Actually… yes… It's a personal question, you don't have to answer it if you don't want"

The clown widened his eyes a little in surprise.

"Ok, try me… I'm listening"

"When did you start… you know… cutting your arms? And why?" He thought for a second of what he had asked,  **he knew why**. "I mean… I don't understand why would someone cut when you're already in pain"

Joker never had someone ask him something like that on a personal level. It was always medical, like a checklist. He thought for a moment and answered.

"Well, looking at my face you can see cutting is something I do," he said, but added "I started some time after that first night… it's always been a way to deal with things for me… I can't really explain it… It's just that… I feel like everything is spinning around and my mind gets really loud, like voices screaming in my ears… And when I cut it all stops and I feel better almost instantly… but not for too long" saying that last part in a sad tone

Batman was feeling that pain in his throat, typical of someone who wanted to cry. He knew way too well how to conceal it, but it was there.

"But…" the bat said almost as a reflex but didn't finish his sentence. He was afraid to ask. He didn't want to hear what he already suspected of.

"What?" Joker asked analyzing him, trying to see through him.

"This cut I had to stitch… It's deeper and… it's in the direction of your blood flow, different from the others…" he stopped, both tensing up. "Were you trying to kill yourself?" he finally asked, voice cracking in the end.

The Joker didn't see this question coming. No one ever cared if he was suicidal, not even in Arkham. They had protocols for mentally unstable patients, but no one cared to know. He was used to people wanting him dead. He wanted Batman to feel as bad as he did, fill him up with guilt. But looking straight into his eyes, he decided to be honest with him. Just like before, he didn't want to be enemies anymore.

"Well… it did cross my mind recently… but that wasn't the intention. I wanted to feel pain, but I ended up doing it too carelessly that afternoon"

Batman felt a huge weight getting out of his shoulders. He was driving himself nuts with that idea. He made Joker cry and that was enough to snap him back to reality, but making him kill himself was a whole new level of guilt he wasn't prepared for. Joker noticed the man close to him seemed relieved, but was still processing the information looking down on the floor.

"Hey… I'm feeling better now…" he said in a reassuring tone, touching Batman's arm to make him look at him. It wasn't a "thank you". But Joker was somehow comforting him. Batman stopped thinking about everything else to realize that this was the first time Joker touched him willingly, maybe he didn't notice, but Batman surely did.

"I promised you I would help… it's the least I can do" It wasn't a "sorry" but he was recognizing the damage he caused.

"Well, then help me by bringing a couple of things for me, will you?" Joker said trying to dismiss the dark atmosphere surrounding them.

"Sure, just tell me what you want"

"Give me some paper and a pen, I'll think better and give you the list later"

"Anything in particular you would like for dinner?"

 **Company**. That's what Joker thought but didn't dare to say.

"Do you have more of what I ate for lunch? It was good, I would eat it again"

"I do, I'll bring it to you. When?"

"About one hour"

"Alright" he said getting up from the chair to leave the room, noticing Joker's hand was still on his arm. "See you later"

"See you, bats"


	6. Chapter 6

Well, this was kind of weird. Bruce Wayne was in a cosmetic shop trying to find the right brand of green ink for the Joker. He was all set up with other things he asked for like more white foundation, that apparently, he could buy a truck and still of run out of it in a matter of weeks. He also had a lipstick that looked identical to the one he bought before but was from a different brand and the Joker was very specific about it.

Bruce almost had a heart attack when he saw a woman he had been out with in the store. It was that Russian ballet dancer, dazzling as always. She was talking to another girl in Russian, they were probably shopping for makeup they needed for the ballet.

"Bruce!" she said in her Russian accent, smiling while approaching him

"Natascha! What a surprise!" He said smiling a bit nervously feeling that basket filled with weird things weigh a ton in his hand

"Surprise? What are  ** _you_**  doing here?" she asked looking at the basket and getting intrigued by its content. "What it's all this makeup? What are you up to?"

"Hum… just some stuff for Halloween" he said almost questioning her if his answer was senseless enough to make her stop asking

"But Bruce, it's almost Christmas!" she said laughing in the end

"Well, I promised a friend I would… Help him with his costume and he… likes to do things in advance"

"Wow you have a very strange friend"

"Yeah" he answered, "You have no idea…" allowing himself to laugh a little about this whole situation

"I have to go now Bruce, nice seeing you!" she smiled

"Good to see you too"

"My phone number is still the same you know? Don't disappear" she said provoking him a little. They both knew they didn't want to date or anything, they didn't have anything in common besides feeling physically attracted to each other and being the perfect headline for gossip magazines.

"Alright, I won't"

"Liar," she said playfully "See you around!" and left with her friend speaking fast in Russian

Well, this was weird enough for now. He found the ink and left before any other girl could recognize him. He also went to the market to get some food Joker asked. He was starting to get his appetite back. He was still eating very little, but at least his body wasn't rejecting half of the food he tried to eat like before.

Bruce was in denial, but he was fascinated to know such silly things about the Joker. Like the makeup he uses, the food he likes and the fact his handwriting was  ** _actually_**  readable. He would have never guessed in a billion years the Joker likes coffee, with no sugar, and smoking while having it. People like that, ok. But Joker wasn't like a  ** _real_**  person in his mind until he started to go shopping for him. He was like an ideology, a symbol. But now he was buying Gotham's most wanted anarchist chocolate truffles with orange liqueur on the inside.

He stopped at one of Gotham's most exclusive shopping malls to eat something. He was about to leave when a girl outside a perfume store gave him a sample of a male's perfume. He felt the scent out of curiosity and stopped walking in the same second. He knew that scent. It was Joker's perfume. Or at least the one he used to wear in the past. Before he knew he was inside the store typing his credit card password and being asked about what kind of gift box he wanted for it. He looked at the date on his phone. Yeah, 24th of December. He almost forgot it was Christmas, the decoration was there for so long he got used to it.

He wanted to see Joker right away, but Gordon turned the Bat Signal on, meaning he was requested somehow. He went home very late and tired almost passing out in his bed. He was so exhausted. With the Joker gone from the streets, the mob was more active. It was ironic to think his life was simpler when he was out blowing hospitals up dressed up as a nurse, that meant only one guy to run after, not the entire mob.

Next morning, he gathered all he bought in a big box and knocked on the door. A distant voice on the inside said he could come in. Batman entered and placed the box on the table. He missed a heartbeat when he saw Joker in the bathroom finishing to apply his black makeup around the eyes. He had no lipstick on yet.

"Good timing. Did you find the lipstick I asked?" he asked in a distracted way

"This one?" Batman asked getting it from the box to show him

"Hell yes!" He said excited "Bring it here, will you?"

Batman observed the clown finish what he was doing, not knowing why he couldn't look away from him.

"Why this brand? It's the same shade as the first one I got for you" he asked, trying to talk to him a little

"Oh it's a vegan, cruelty-free line" Joker said in a serious tone

Batman's chin dropped.  ** _What?_**

But that didn't last for too long. Joker started to laugh uncontrollably.

"HA you  ** _believed_  **it? I wish I could see your face under that mask of yours" he said laughing loudly and as uncontrollably as before. Batman was so caught by surprise he couldn't do anything about it but laugh as well.

"You brat" Batman said when he was almost done laughing

Joker let the idea he made Batman laugh sink in for a moment.

"So, what else in that box?" Joker asked

"All you asked"

" ** _Everything?_**  Hell, are trying to spoil me or something?"

"Well, I finally understood why you were stealing the mob's money," Batman said getting the chocolate truffles from the box "This costs a little fortune"

"Said the man that drives the Batmobile" Joker snapped back getting the box from Batman and making no ceremonies on open in it. He missed this chocolate a lot. "Here, take one!" He said while eating it. Batman wasn't such a fan of sweets but accepted it. Well, it was pretty good.

Joker was taking a closer look at everything that was inside the box. All he asked was there, exactly as he asked. He really wanted to dye his hair green, like he would do from time to time and was pleased to see everything he needed was there. He got the pack of cigarettes inside the box and with his other hand was searching for matches inside it.

"I have an idea" Batman said observing his intentions

"What?" Joker asked stopping his search and looking at him

"How about we go outside for you to smoke? You've been here for a long time, you could use some fresh air"

"Indeed, bats…"

"Wait a little, I'll get you something warmer to wear, it's cold outside"

He came back with a black coat he had been keeping for years, from a time he still didn't have such a muscular figure. He made some coffee meanwhile and put it in two different thermic bottles. One with sugar, for himself and one without it for the Joker.

It felt like a dream to get out of the room for Joker. He didn't know how the Batcave looked like. It was dark and humid and filled with equipment, really, it was everywhere he could see. But it brought him a strange feeling of loneliness. Batman programmed the Batmobile to drive itself to a location he knew would safe to take Joker. Also darkening the windows digitally, like a computer screen, so neither of them could see the way there.

When the car stopped Batman unlocked the doors.

"Go ahead," he said, "I'll just adjust some security things here in case someone gets closer to where we are" He could do that in a click of a button, but wanted to give Joker a moment of privacy.

The clown got out, his eyes taking a while to adjust to the light. He couldn't believe he was out after so long. So much had changed. The sun wasn't strong, it was warming his face a little while a cold wind was blowing delicately. Winter was his favorite season. He saw a bench and sat on it, lighting a cigarette right after. He looked around. It probably used to be a small park, now forgotten by everyone. The silence was soothing, but once again, triggered a lonely feeling.

Meanwhile, Batman was inside the Batmobile just watching the scene. Joker seemed… happy? Ok, maybe "happy" was too much of a strong word to describe it. But he had never seen him so… calm? Well, he was certainly struggling not to admit to himself something was changing between them. That was a good thing, but why did he feel so uncomfortable about it? All he knew was that he couldn't stop looking at him and all the little moments Joker got closer to him willingly were carved in his thoughts.

He got out of the Batmobile bringing the thermic bottles and his little gift box hidden in his cape. He wasn't sure about it, but he didn't want to lose the opportunity in case a good moment appeared. He was so insecure about getting closer, he didn't want to spoil any good feeling the other man was experiencing now. He knew his presence could do that easily.

Joker finished his first cigarette and was about to light up the second one when he saw Batman standing next to him to give him one of the bottles.

"No sugar, right?" Batman asked

"Yeah"

"Here… I'll wait in the Batmobile. Take your time" he said turning around and starting to make his way back.

"Bats… wait" Batman stopped but didn't turn around. "You can sit here… if you want"

That was undeniable. He did want to sit close to him. Also, Joker was sick and tired of feeling afraid whenever he got closer. His lack of trust sounded like a rule he had made in his mind and he  **hated**  rules.

They sat silently, both drinking coffee to warm up a little.

"Do you come here often?" Joker asked

"Sometimes… It's a good place to think and no one ever comes around"

"It's a nice place… I like it"

Another moment of silence and Batman decided it was a good time to give him the gift. He got it from his cape and waited for the Joker to finish his last drag of the cigarette before throwing it away.

"Humm… Joker…" he said to catch his attention, Joker looking straight into his eyes now "I was shopping for your things and this came across. I thought you might like it… Anyway… Merry Christmas" And handed him the box.

Alright… Now,  ** _this_**  was a surprise. Joker was speechless. He couldn't even organize his thoughts to say anything. But when he opened it a warm feeling filled his heart. And that was so unfamiliar to him he almost didn't understand what it all meant. If his old feelings were threatening to return before, now they were definitely back. That was his perfume, the only one he liked on himself.

Batman was frozen still next to him. Joker's facial expressions were sometimes hard to read.

"Batman… I… How did you… Oh mine, whatever… Thank you" he said those two last words in a meaningful and sincere tone while looking at him

Batman wanted to say so many things _. **So many**_. But he didn't want the atmosphere to change so he simply replied with "I'm glad you liked it"

"I did" the other man said in a dreamy low tone

They stayed there for some time, even started to talk once again, but the wind got stronger and they decided to leave. Catching a cold was a very bad idea now. Before entering the Batmobile, they both looked at that bench, already missing that moment they had just lived.

 


	7. Chapter 7

It was late at night when Bruce woke up with the alarm clock. The last dose of serum was almost over, and he had to remove the needle from Joker's arm. After this dose, Joker's dream of getting rid of injections was going to come true. That aggressive part of the treatment would be over. He wasn't free to leave yet, Batman didn't trust him to take care of himself. He was worried he would start cutting again or stop eating or being found by someone who wanted him dead. All possibilities concerned him, ironically, he had become protective of the Joker. He didn't want anything bad to happen to him ever again. Not because this would be a waste of all his work, but because his own feelings for the Joker changed.

As much as he hated to admit, he was looking forward to see his nemesis sleeping or with that drowsy expression he had when someone woke him. It made him look fragile but unbelievably cute. The bat had to face it, it was a lost cause. And it was quite obvious since the night Joker changed his clothes and left them in a plastic bag for Batman to pick up and wash. He got the bag but didn't wash it right away. He couldn't. We wanted to feel his scent for a while, even if mixed with sweat from Joker's agitated nightmares. He found a bit of the red lipstick in the T-shirt, probably he forgot to press his lips while taking it off. Bruce couldn't just see that without imagining his lips, that even deformed in the corners, looked so tempting.

Every touch became sacred to him, even when they were brief. It could be a slight brush in his hand while handing him a glass of water for him to take pills or a touch while he pressed the syringe against his arm. Every time made him wonder how his skin feels under his clothes or how it would be if their bodies could rub against each other. But not like before, a raw thirst for revenge, a horrible wish to injure him. This time he wanted to make him feel as good as he can. He wanted the Joker to moan and shiver with pleasure while kissing his neck. He wanted him to say the words, to have his consent to touch and pleasure him.

Bruce tried to fight back against all this. He really thought he was mad for developing such feelings and desires. This was different from all he had experienced before. He had been with all kinds of woman, from sweet ones to very sexy and provocative ones. He knew the difference between loving someone and sexual desire. But with the Joker everything was different. He was a man, for a start. That didn't prevent him from raping him, that's true. But his motivation in the past was beating him up a lot and making him feel an even more excruciating pain afterwards. He had other intentions now, maybe not so innocent ones, but they definitely didn't involve hurting him.

This new set of desires was incredibly confusing. Bruce never thought he would develop anything sexual or romantic for another man. Specially for someone like the Joker. He was a mess, Bruce never fully understood him. In terms of physical appearance, it was also a new thing. Bruce was used to an "obvious" kind of beauty. Girls with a perfect body, all the right proportions and that aura of someone who's been well treated their entire lives. Joker wasn't anything like it. He was a beautiful disaster to look at. Twisted in all the meanings of the word. And that was oddly charming.

When Bruce remembers how perverse his thoughts were back then, it makes him feel like he doesn't even deserve to be alive. The guilt was there every day since he brought Joker to the Batcave, his reactions of fear a constant reminder of the monster he had become. He truly hated himself for all that. They could feel there were some unspoken words between them, but the idea of telling Joker how he felt terrified him. He was afraid of being rejected, something he wasn't used to. Bruce Wayne and Batman always intimidated everyone around them, but now he was the one feeling vulnerable.

Before he noticed his legs brought close to one of the secret entrances to the Batcave. But as soon as he was approaching the underground part, he recognized a weird sound. Screams. A distant sound of a man screaming. Batman ran fast to the room, what could be happening? Fire? Impossible, nothing there was inflammable. Maybe someone found out where Joker was and was trying to kill him. He still had a high price on his head. Batman always imagined other villains from Gotham probably saw him in his recent state and were going to take advantage of that. With his heart beating very fast and ready to attack anyone, Batman slammed the door open.

But there was no one inside besides Joker, who was screaming loudly in his sleep. It was a disturbing scene to watch. It sounded almost as horrible as hearing him cry. Batman got closer and tried to wake him by touching his shoulder and shaking it a little. Nothing. That's when he heard something that crushed him on the inside.

"BAT…MAN…. STOP… NO! NO!" Joker screamed still having his nightmare

Batman tried to shake him a little harder. He wanted him to wake up, he didn't want him to stay in that nightmare any longer.

"I'm here, I won't hurt you anymore, I promise" he said in a low pleading tone while shaking him. This time he opened his eyes abruptly.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! STAY AWAY!" Joker screamed with a voice that seemed to be coming from the depths of his madness while pushing Batman's hand from his shoulder. His eyes were wild and he was clearly confused and in shock. He screamed another time with eyes closed and hands on his ears like he was trying to muffle a sound only he could hear.

That was it, he couldn't handle that. He forgot about everything else and left the room almost running, closing the door behind him. On the outside of the room, Batman just slid down to the floor and started sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He'll hate me forever and there is nothing I can do but to live with it" he thought while feeling a horrible pain in his chest.

Batman stayed there for a good while until he heard an alarm sound inside the Batcave and a beep in a little electronic device he had on his armor. It was an emergency. Gordon turned the Bat Signal on and he wouldn't do that in such a late hour if it weren't an extreme case. Goddammit, couldn't he just get one night off to be broken hearted and cry himself to sleep?

He took a deep breath and tried to recompose himself. He was not very successful with that, but he knew he had to go, people's lives could be in danger and causing more damage to others was a painful thought. He got the things he would usually use to equip his armor and programmed the Batmobile for the location Gordon sent him. This was going to be a long night. It was one of Scarecrow's places and he was working with the mob. His broken heart would have to wait for his return.


	8. Chapter 8

Bruce always thought his armor made him invincible, unstoppable, indestructible… But tonight, he understood he is not. Maybe Batman can get close to that, but not Bruce Wayne. Before leaving the Batcave as Batman, he would always take some time to put his armor properly, consider his options for equipment and articulate alternative plans. He was definitely the kind of person that always had a plan and at least two back up plans. Every call is an emergency, so this would be fast, but the ritual of dressing as Batman changed his spirit from Bruce Wayne to Batman. And tonight, he was not Batman, he was just a brokenhearted Bruce Wayne dressed in Batman’s outfit. He was unfocused and impulsive, a combination that cost him the situation he was now.

There were no hostages, he was so grateful for that he couldn't even express it, however, it was a trap for him. Normally, he would have seen this coming, but he fell right into the bait they prepared for him. It was a very convincing sound of a young boy screaming for help, but when he entered the basement of that old abandoned industrial lab, he realized the sound was coming from two large speakers and the doors closed behind him.

He did everything he could to open them, but they were thick and heavy, not to mention he tried using all he had brought with him, but the metal would hardly get scratched. That’s when it all started. There was an air vent in one of the walls and a gas started to come from it and spread all over the locked room. Batman was not stupid enough to leave without an adapted gas mask he made, it was Scarecrow after all. But he was concerned since the gas was not its usual color, it was a reddish kind of smoke this time, something that made a gruesome contrast with the white paint from the walls.

He knew something was wrong in that place, he was feeling more anxious than normal, almost to the level of paranoia. Also, even with the little mask covering his nose, he could feel a scent get stronger in the room. It smelled like blood, it even had those metallic notes to the scent. He tried to see if it was coming from a wound on himself but found nothing. By now he couldn’t see anything inside of the room anymore, the red gas made it impossible for him to see much of his surroundings. He looked down and saw blood on the floor, but more disturbing than that, the level of the liquid was rising, just like when someone is trying to fill a pool. He would eventually drown there if he didn’t find a way out.

That’s when it occurred to him: the speakers. They were big and sharp on the edges. He could try to place one of them between the two doors, where the lock was, and use its weight to put pressure with the sharp corner. Not as elaborate as usual, and definitely not as eloquent as his plans normally were, but it was a desperate time.

Using all his strength he managed to drag one of the heavy speakers close to the door and leaned it, so the edge would be where it would open. He went to the other side of the room to get an impulse to jump on the top of it, level of blood still raising, covering his feet almost entirely. It took him about ten good jumps to crush the doors open.

When he was out, he went straight to the Batmobile. Gordon left a message telling him the plan was to trap him there while the mob made an operation in another location. It was all done, there was nothing left to do now. Not that it mattered, Batman knew he had to go back to the Batcave, his heart was beating too fast, he was dizzy and his head was hurting a lot.

He had plans to get there and just sleep it off, the side effects of the gas, the frustration his night had been, everything. However, as he got out of the Batmobile and tried to stand, he realized he was too dizzy for it. Whatever Scarecrow added to his conventional gas was affecting him. “What if I pass out and die?” He questioned himself looking at the door of Joker’s room. If he died tonight so would him, no one would come for him, he would just starve locked inside.

He walked to the door very slowly, trying to keep his balance and unlocked the door. He was about to turn around when he heard something terrifying.

“Bruce, what have you done?” It was a disturbingly familiar voice, it was his mother’s voice

He turned around and saw his parents staring at him with an angry and disappointed look on their faces. They were a very scary vision, their skin was abnormally pale and they were dressed the same way they were buried.

“Bruce, why did you do this?” She asked in a crying tone, both his mother and father walking closer to him but disappearing like ghosts in their way

Bruce looked where they were standing before and saw what his nightmares are made of. Joker was lying on the floor. Dead. A puddle blood around his arm, that had multiple new cuts as deep and wide as the old ones. He tried to reach for him, but fell, he was too overwhelmed and dizzy to walk. He closed his eyes while lying on the floor and heard the unmistakable sound of bats getting closer to him, the sound of their wings terrifying him as it always did.

Meanwhile, Joker was staring at that needle in his arm inside the room. Something was happening outside, he knew the door was unlocked and heard Batman falling a couple of times. When Batman woke him earlier he was frightened from the nightmare, not thinking clearly, he didn’t want to say any of those things to him. Maybe before, but not now, not anymore.

Joker heard Batman screaming in pure terror, he was familiar with people’s screams, he was the cause of them so many times. But he couldn’t remember anyone sound so tormented as Batman sounded right now.

He took a deep breath and with his anxiety reaching an extreme level for hearing screams and the idea of manipulating a needle, he managed to pull it out of his arm, cursing a lot in the prosses.

He opened the door and saw Batman on the floor, the image making him rush to him and kneel down close to him.

“Batman, what’s going on? Are you ok? Are you hurt?” He asked trying to calm him down

Batman looked at him in surprise, he seemed perplexed.

“Scarecrow… he…he…” Batman tried to answer

“Used the Fear Toxin on you” Joker completed for him “It will pass, we just have to wait”

Joker noticed Batman was staring at something only he could see and then looking back at him. He did that at least three times and he was not calming down at all.

“Batman… what are you looking at? There is nothing there, you know… Why were you screaming? What do you see?” Joker asked. He had worked with Scarecrow before, he knew the gas was designed to reveal the victim’s worst fears. All combined with strong hallucinations.

“You… you were dead… and the bats… they were so many… and they started attacking me and your corpse… it’s all my fault”

Joker widened his eyes to his response. What a bizarre scene. He didn’t know Batman’s mind could be such a dark place.

“I’m not dead, Batman… You promised not to hurt me anymore and after all this time that I’ve spent here… I believe you”

“Do you?” Batman asked

Joker answered helping him sit down on the floor and later, putting his arms around him. Batman never felt so disarmed in his life. He hugged Joker back.

“I’m sorry” Batman said loosening their embrace a little to look into Joker’s eyes, “I’m sorry for all I did”

“I’m also sorry for what I did to you” Joker said, feeling extremely light after doing so, he always wanted a chance to say it. He also noticed Batman’s pupils weren’t as dilated as before. The gas was starting to wear off.

Their faces were so close, both looking into each other’s eyes, all changing when Joker looked to Batman’s mouth for a second. Batman was unsure about the sign, so he removed one of his gloves and placed his hand on Joker’s face slowly.

“Is this ok?” Batman asked

“As long as my answer matters to you… yes” he said leaning closer to meet Batman’s lips.

The kiss started slowly, with their lips only, they were afraid of a sudden change of heart coming from each other. But as they got more intimate in their kiss, Joker introduced his tongue and it got more intense. Bruce couldn’t get enough from kissing Joker and feeling his hair and neck. Joker would love to touch Batman’s hair too, but he was wearing his mask and armor, so he figured holding him tightly was enough.

Batman broke the kiss softly, they had been kissing for some good time now, and asked: “Since when?”

“Far too long, Bats” he said, getting Batman’s hand and waiting a moment to continue “I don’t mean to scare you or anything, but your hand and face are really cold… and knowing Scarecrow, I think it might get worse”

“Do you think it could kill me?” he asked concerned

“No, Scarecrow wouldn’t kill you…”

“Why not?” Batman interrupted him, he had no idea why this was so obvious for Joker

“Well, after being exposed for so long to his own Fear Toxin he became addicted to fear and also immune to it. He told me the only one that scares him is you so… I guess you’re his favorite recreational drug”

“Doesn’t explain why he locked me in a room and tried to drown me in blood”

“Humm… You must have hallucinated that, you’re clean, there is no blood on your clothes”

That was true. Batman looked at his boots and they were clean, there was also no blood at all where he stepped since he got out of the Batmobile. His sanity was coming back fast with this shock of reality. Joker noticed it was helping him recover from the effect and continued asking him questions about that night.

“So they locked you, how did you get out?” Joker asked

“There were two big speakers in the room, I used it to force the door open” Batman answered

“Speakers? Tell me, when you touched them, were they vibrating?”

Batman was surprised. Yes, they were, but he couldn’t hear anything coming from them.

“Yes… how do you know that?”

“That fucker is doing his homework, I’ll give you that…” he said in a mocking tone, “It’s infrasound, frequencies below 20Hz, you can’t hear them, but last time I saw him he said it could cause people to feel strange things like ghost presences or make people anxious or feel like they are being observed… Congratulations Bats, you’re also his favorite guinea pig, did he leave a questionnaire for you to complete in your way out?… Hell, he was such a college nerd!”

Joker said this last part with such annoyance Batman couldn’t help himself imagining them arguing. Joker is as far as you can get from being a ‘college nerd’.

“You seem to know a lot about him, why did you stop working with him?” Batman asked

“Oh, you must be referring to the night he got pissed with my jokes and tried to use the Fear Toxin on me”

“What did you do then?”

“I broke a chair in his head and left” Joker said as if it were the most logical response to that

Joker would have laughed but he noticed Batman’s skin and lips were pale, so he touched his hand and confirmed his temperature had dropped more. He got up and helped Batman walk to the bedroom, he was still having trouble with his balance.

“I think your Batsuit is not helping” Joker pointed out after covering Batman with his blanket and seeing him shiver under it some time afterwards. He sat by his side on the bed and placed his hand on the bat’s shoulder, “I won’t tell anyone, I promise”

Batman was afraid to reveal his identity, but deep down he wanted this barrier between them gone for a long time and he was also freezing. His armor was stealing his body heat.

“One condition” The bat said, “I want to see your face too”

“Fair enough” Joker said getting up and going to the bathroom to remove his makeup

He could hear the multiple parts of the armor being removed and fall to the floor from the bathroom. He was done fast, there was no big secret on removing makeup. He returned to the room and Batman was almost done too. He was sitting in bed covered with the blanket, his mask was still there, although the rest of the batsuit was on the floor. Joker observed Batman’s back while he touched his face hesitantly for a moment before removing his mask.

“I always wondered about your hair color, you know” Joker said trying to make him feel more comfortable “Turn around, let me see”

Bruce turned around and both were very surprised with what they saw. They stared at each other for a moment, trying to process everything. Joker was the first one to speak.

“Bruce Wayne! Well, you are damn good with your alibis. I considered the possibility once or twice, but I thought you were too… shallow, maybe? Thought you didn’t care about these people”

“Hearing this is sad but also a relief” Bruce said with his normal voice, making Joker look at him as if he were an alien. “You look so different without your makeup”

“I can put it back if you want” he answered joking a little

“No! I… liked it this way too”

“ ** _Bruce Wayne_**  finds me  ** _pretty_**   without my makeup, that’s a compliment”

They laughed a little, unbuilding the tension between them. Joker got closer and sat by his side in bed, not waiting too much to kiss him. It wasn’t a kiss filled with urge like the first one, it was a bit slower. This time Joker could feel Bruce’s body and he certainly took advantage of that, touching his chest, back, and hair.

Neither of them knows who suggested the idea of sharing the bed, or if it was even said out loud at any point, the fact is that they both wanted to, and Bruce found himself hugging Joker from behind, bringing him closer. He had the excuse of being cold, but he was secretly grateful for this particular side effect. That night started as a nightmare, but now they were afraid to wake up from that dream of sharing their bed and feelings.


	9. Chapter 9

“Alright, now try to touch your toes, I’ll give you a hand” Bruce said while sitting on the floor right behind Joker.

Had been some time since he stopped locking the room and let Joker walk around the Batcave as he wished. His most dangerous weapons were always locked with encrypted passwords anyway and the entrance was locked as well. Bruce just made a point out of hiding the knives and blades, not because he thought Joker would attack him, but because he hoped having them out of sight would help Joker forget about cutting.

Now that Joker had recovered more, Bruce thought it would be a good idea to let him use his secret gym, that was located underground as well. The Batcave had once been an extensive subterranean cave system and although Bruce didn’t use it completely, he had adapted a couple of chambers for his own use that were not directly connected to the Batcave itself. When he first saw Joker the Wayne Manor was still being reconstructed, but he finally moved from his penthouse months ago.

Bruce couldn’t tell Joker’s left knee was injured at first. We would always be in bed or walked slowly or for a short period of time. Spending more time with him made Bruce notice he was having trouble with some movements, so he did some research and built a simple stretching routine and added a couple of specific exercises for him later.

Joker  _ hated _ exercises, he really did. In normal conditions, his cardio workout would be running from the police after robbing a bank and he learned how to fight in the streets, picking more challenging adversaries with time. It felt really awkward to stretch and do what he called “the teenage gym stuff”, but he was happy to be able to move around more and rebuilt his strength after spending a long time laying down in bed. Also, Bruce would often be around to help, he had a very strict routine for exercises. He hardly skipped a day and stayed hours there when he had some free time.

Joker didn’t like receiving help in general, just like Bruce, he liked doing things his own way. But he wasn’t particularly bothered to receive help when it came to stretching. He could be agile but didn’t have much flexibility. It was also very therapeutic for them to reinforce their trust on each other’s touch, even if it wasn’t sexual, they had a certain formality to it at first, but it was fading away.

Although they were very lustful for each other and would often make out in a passionate way, they were taking it slow. This was difficult for Bruce because he never had the habit of making out hard with someone without the intention of going all the way, especially if they were in bed. But this extra care was necessary. Once he tried to take Joker’s shirt off, he was on the top of him kissing his neck, getting a good response from it and they were both hard, but Joker froze. Bruce noticed almost instantly and used all this self-control to stop and sit close to him in bed, he didn’t say anything, he was trying to catch his breath and his thoughts were foggy, he didn’t notice they were quiet for some time and apparently that silence was awkward for Joker.

“Bruce… I’m sorry, it’s just that…” Joker started in an anguished tone staring at the floor and gesticulating with his hands, but Bruce soon interrupted him by catching one of his hands in the air. Joker looked back at him and he had a very serious face on, which made him more anxious until he started talking.

“Don’t you ever,  _ ever _ , apologize again for telling me to stop doing something that is making you uncomfortable. Promise me you’ll let me know.” Bruce was serious, but not angry.

“Alright, I promise. Just don’t give up on me ok?” Joker answered, afraid Bruce would eventually find him too complicated for him and leave him.

“Don’t worry, I won’t” He said in a determined tone “You don’t have to keep proving you want this all the time, just tell when something is not ok. That’s enough for me”

Joker was relieved for that, he was aware some things triggered bad memories and feelings on him. Sometimes he was secretly afraid of Bruce when he had a bad day and seemed irritated. Like a voice in the back of his head telling him to be careful, a danger warning somehow. He obviously hated that, he was sick and tired of these insecurities they had with each other, he waited long for this and the perspective of waiting even more was frustrating. But he had to face it, the memory Batman ripping his clothes off was still vivid in his head. Reacting badly when something triggered him wasn’t a choice, it just happened. All he could do was being grateful Bruce understood that and doing his part in fighting it back. 

Right now, they were sitting on the floor in the corner of the gym. Bruce was behind Joker pushing him forward a little, just helping him stretch more. He was trying his best not to think about sex, but how could he? Joker’s heat and scent were intoxicating, and their bodies were close. Bruce placed his hands on Joker’s waistline, not giving it much thought while letting himself be seduced by that familiar sensation between his legs. It was only for a moment, but Joker noticed, he wasn’t innocent at all.

Joker placed his hands on Bruce’s strong thighs without turning around. He loved feeling them and this was a very good position for it. Bruce pressed their bodies together, making Joker feel his erection close to his ass while touching his chest in a lustful way underneath his T-shirt. Joker got Bruce’s right hand and put it between his legs, moaning loudly when Bruce grabbed his cock. After some time of this, Joker decided that wasn’t nearly enough for him and put Bruce’s hand on his hard member underneath his pants.

Bruce didn’t waste time and started stroking him, loving the way he would moan and move his hips, making the friction between his cock and Joker’s ass insanely good even with their clothes on. Joker turned around to kiss Bruce furiously, he was so turned on that when he realized, he was removing the other man’s T-shirt. He looked at him for a moment. “Damn he is so hot” he thought. Next thing he knew, he put Bruce’s hands on his T-shirt.

“Go ahead, Bruce” Joker said, waiting for Bruce to undress him.

Bruce thought for a second and got Joker’s hands to be under his own.

“Together, then” he said making a movement to imply he wanted Joker to be part of his own undressing process.

Joker made a mental note to thank him later, it did feel better to do it together. In fact, he was so comfortable with it that he didn’t stop with the T-shirt and soon they were both naked. Joker was on the top, kissing and sucking close to Bruce’s collarbone. He started to move his hips to rub their cocks together in a nice rhythm. Bruce grabbed Joker’s ass in response, making it tighter between them, he couldn’t help himself letting some moans scape, which made Joker accelerate the rhythm a little.

“Just tell me what you want” Bruce whispered in Joker’s ear, biting it a little to tease him.

“Suck it” He answered almost instantly, not thinking much, it was an old fantasy after all.

Bruce flipped them around, so he would be on top, and kissed him a bit more before going down on him.

“You can give me some tips if you want… I’ve never done this before” Bruce said while kissing and licking a spot close to Joker’s hip bone, using that opportunity to stroke him a little.

Bruce had an idea of what to do, he knew what he liked, so he thought that would be a good start. It felt weird to be doing something he had never done before when it came to sex, after so many years, he had totally forgotten what it feels like to be inexperienced.

He started licking the base and going all the way up to the tip. When he reached there, he tried putting some of the cock in his mouth to see how sucking it would be. He sucked a little, making Joker arch his back meanwhile and moan. He wanted more, he was begging for it. Bruce put more of it in his mouth, not everything, his gag reflex wasn’t used to it yet. He sucked more, in a stronger pace, his hands touching Joker’s waistline.

“Bruce… use your tongue” Joker said almost gasping

Bruce understood what he meant and moved his tongue while sucking. Joker got a bit quiet, making him think that’s not what he wanted.

“Ahhhh… Bruce… if you don’t stop now I’m gonna cum in your mouth” he said breaking the silence.

Bruce answered by holding him tightly where his hands were and sucking a little faster, he was ok with it. Joker put his hands on Bruce’s head and arched his back again moaning loudly, moving his hips a little while he came on Bruce’s mouth. He tried not to force his dick on the other’s mouth, but it was hard to control his movements. It was pure bliss.

Bruce swallowed the hot cum he had inside his mouth and cleaned the outside with the back of his hand. It had a strong taste, but it didn’t disgust him. He got closer while Joker caught his breath. They sat close to each other for a moment.

“So… how was it?” Bruce asked, truly curious to know.

“Oh, it was great! I can’t believe this was your first time, I’m impressed” He answered

“Well, I couldn’t put much in my mouth” Bruce pointed out

“You’ll get there” Joker said in a malicious way, a smile forming in the corner of this mouth “But it’s my turn now” he said getting closer to Bruce’s ear “What do you want?” he whispered mimicking what Bruce did before and putting his hand on Bruce’s still hard cock, teasing him.

Bruce shivered by the touch, his cock was very sensitive, hearing Joker moan and sucking him turned him on in a way he didn’t expect. He wanted to fuck him, obviously, but maybe it could wait a little longer. It was hard to think with Joker stroking him the way he was, it made his thoughts foggy.

“So…?” Joker asked again in a teasing tone, giving him a strong tight stroke that made Bruce grunt in pleasure.

“Can you…” Another tight stroke made him move his hips to combine the movement, it didn’t matter what he asked for, he wouldn’t be able to resist for long. “Can you suck me too?” he managed to ask.

“Thought you’d never ask” Joker said before kissing him in a very seductive way, still with his hand on Bruce’s cock.

Joker’s blowjob was very different from what he did before. It was more than obvious he had experience. He licked the balls and teased enough to make him crazy but stopped when he got even closer to climax. When he started the sucking, Bruce found himself moaning a lot and breathing heavily. Unlike him, Joker could take his whole cock in his mouth, which wasn’t common, not everyone he had been with could do it. Bruce started to move so his cock could go even deeper, Joker responded sucking faster and grabbing Bruce’s thighs, inviting him to continue. Bruce was practically fucking Joker’s throat and with some more thrusts, he came while moaning loudly. Joker gave it a good final suck and after pulling Bruce out of his mouth, he finished swallowing.

Bruce was panting, enjoying the aftermath, he could live that moment forever. Some time after it, Bruce helped Joker get up from the floor and instead of letting his hand go, he guided him back to the bedroom while holding it. They showered together, not because they wanted more sex, they just didn’t want that feeling to go away.

They were laying in bed afterward, Joker was almost falling asleep with Bruce holding him tightly.

“Hey… are you sleeping already? I wanted to ask you something before I leave for tonight’s meeting at the company… it’s important” Bruce said it in a calm tone, but he meant it.

Joker turned around to look at him, a bit anxious about what it could be.

“Ok, ask” he said, concern was naked on his face.

“You look nervous, don’t be, I think you’ll like it” Bruce said giving him a kiss on his forehead. “I’ve been thinking, this room is so small and you’ve been here for so long… I was wondering if maybe you want a new room… upstairs”

“Upstairs?” Joker frowned

“You are under the Wayne Manor, I have many rooms there, you can stay in one of them if you want”

“Bruce… really? Are you sure? I don’t even know what to say…” he said smiling but a bit overwhelmed

“Say yes” Bruce said putting a hand on Joker’s face. “There are still things I would like to do to help you, but I don’t like locking you down here. Your life is not at stake anymore, so I guess it’s fair to let you do what you want with it. If you want to stay I’ll give you a copy of the key to the front door, if you decide to leave, you can still come here whenever you want, but you’ll have to knock” Bruce explained, he was giving him back control over his life, he wanted him to have a choice, even if it meant running the risk of losing him. Bruce rather be the one to give him a choice than have him demand it the future. He was the one with the keys after all.

“You never stop surprising me” Joker answered remembering when Batman handled him a gift box. “My answer is yes… thank you… It means a lot to me” He said feeling his eyes get watery, one tear rolling down on each eye in the corner.

Bruce noticed, but this time he wasn’t terrified to see his tears, he was touched by them in a good way. He hugged him tightly.

“I’m so happy you’ll stay” Bruce admitted while hugging him. “Do you want to sleep in here one last night or move upstairs after I’m back? I’ll give you a box to put your things inside”

“Upstairs” He answered simply

“Ok, I’ll be back by nine or ten if everything goes right”

“What a time to finish a business meeting”

“I get it, negotiating with people from six to eight and then communicating your decisions for your business partners in another time zone is not your idea of fun for a Friday night”

“Ugh, how do you manage not to sleep during them, sounds boring”

“Yeah… Sometimes I end up napping just a little bit” Bruce said remembering when he slept using two different chairs during a meeting with the Chinese.

They stayed in bed for a while, but Bruce had to leave, he had to read reports and analyze some statistics. Joker was napping, so he left a box for him to gather what he had in the room and went upstairs. While walking the long corridor to reach his room, he started to wonder which room Joker would choose, he had many, he only hoped it would be one close to his own.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Bruce got back in time, almost afraid to look at the sky and find the Bat-signal on while he drove back to the Manor. “It’s Friday night, I wouldn’t complain if villains could gather up and spend their stolen money on drinks tonight, I just want a break” he thought to himself. His life was very demanding, he could be young but keeping up with his routine was making him exhausted. Sometimes he didn’t have time to sleep and had to go back home, take a shower, clean wounds, take analgesics for breakfast and leave again. He didn’t know for how long he could manage to do all this, certainly not for the rest of his life, but that didn’t matter now, all he wanted was to get home for his favorite green haired anarchist.

When he got downstairs, Joker was reading something that looked like an instruction manual while sitting with his legs crossed over a metal desk he had on the Batcave. He had unconventional places he liked to sit for a read, Bruce noticed, sometimes they made sense, like  _ a chair,  _ but some other times they were completely random like  _ under _ the table or standing still or even a spot on the floor that looked like he intended to go somewhere comfortable to read but got impatient and just sat there. Bruce would bring him some books he had upstairs, so he could pass the time. Joker wasn’t much of a reader, he didn’t finish any of the books Bruce brought him, he got bored easily while reading and he was too agitated to maintain focus on something that wasn’t one hundred percent interesting for him. But he seemed very interested in what he was reading. Bruce got closer quietly, not letting the other notice his presence, he was good at that. It wasn’t any of the books the brought, it was the manual for his Batsuit that Lucious Fox wrote him. He never read it, he didn’t ever remember it ever existed.

“Where did you find that?” Bruce asked suddenly, making Joker almost jump from the desk from the fright.

“YOU SNEAKY BASTARD!! DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?” he screamed, first angrily, but finished laughing and beating Bruce with the manual he had in hands in a playful way.

“Oh, you’re reading something I haven’t seen in ages, and  _ I _ am the sneaky bastard?” he answered.

“You know that locker you have at the gym, in the corner? It was under it” Joker said, answering the question.

“I brought you all kinds of books from different authors and themes and stuff but you read something that was gathering dust under a locker, that not even I read when I was supposed to” Bruce said amazed by how random his reading choices were.

“Well, none of those books could teach me how to undress you when you’re in your Batsuit” Joker pointed out raising an eyebrow.

“So, have you learned it already?” Bruce asked in a seductive tone, getting closer to him, almost kissing him.

“I think I might need a practical lesson to make sure” Joker said narrowing his eyes that were filled with malice.

They sometimes tried to play a “hard to get” game between them while saying things like that, but they always ended up kissing and making out. They just couldn’t resist. After some fast but intense kissing, Bruce gently broke the kiss. He was awake since five in the morning, exercised in the gym, had sex, read many things that weren’t so obvious to comprehend and been to two meetings, he was tired.

“So, did you put your things in the box I left you?” he asked

“Yeah, it’s in the bedroom” Joker answered, sounded excited.

“I’ll carry it for you, let’s go” Bruce said, not hiding his own excitement.

Bruce guided him through the way out he used frequently, leading them to the main study inside the mansion. Joker took a moment to adjust his eyes to the light. The Batcave was a dark place, humid, cold and with that never-ending sound of the waterfalls. Here, was the extreme opposite; it was bright, beautifully decorated and cozy. As they walked their way to the part of the mansion where the rooms were, Joker was looking around curiously, he wanted to see everything. He was just a bit nervous because he wasn’t sure if he was going to see someone inside the mansion, like a maid, a cook or a butler, but he didn’t see anyone. He couldn’t avoid thinking Bruce was a lonely person. Everywhere he took him evoked a lonely feeling. The Batcave was a secret place, Bruce was probably the only one who went to that park he took him on Christmas and this place was huge, designed to accommodate many people, but he was alone there. They got to a long corridor with many doors and Bruce stopped walking.

“Ok, now you can choose which one you want. I have other rooms in another part of the house, but I like these ones better, bigger beds. If you don’t want any of them, I’ll show you the rest” Bruce explained. “My room is the last one in the right and I keep the last room in the left locked. Besides those two, feel free to choose” he completed. Last room to the left used to be his parents’ room. He never felt comfortable using it as his own or allowing anyone in, except for cleaning.

Bruce gave him some company while showing the rooms. Joker was surprised because every room was unique, they all had something different about them. He chose the one next to the locked room, the disposition of the furniture and the view pleased him. The room had a good view of the back of the property.

“I thought you would choose a room with fewer windows” Bruce said while placing Joker’s box in a desk, close to one of the windows.

“I don’t hate daylight, I just don’t like to see people when I have to get out, that’s why I mostly do things at night. I think I’ve spent enough time in the darkness, anyway…” Joker said

“I guess you chose the right room, then” Bruce said smiling in a gentle way. “This place is a little old-fashioned, we had to adapt my room to make it a suite. This one doesn’t have a bathroom, but you can use the one we have in this corridor”

Bruce was extremely tired, but not sleepy. He said he would get ready for bed and read the newspaper while he didn’t feel like lying down. Joker’s sleep was light and Bruce didn’t want to wake him, so they decided to sleep in their own rooms tonight.

It was about three in the morning when Joker woke up because he heard an owl outside. He was thirsty, so finding a kitchen was a good excuse to explore the mansion during the night. He never thought about buying a house and decorating it with the money he made with crime, but he had to admit it, this place was awesome.

He was walking around the first floor when he found an open door that lead to a room whose light was on, which was strange. He went there and discovered it was a kitchen but also saw Bruce sleeping over the newspaper with an empty glass of what must have been scotch close to his head. He was still wearing the clothes from before, the jacket from his suit and tie were hanging in the chair close to him. He got closer to the table and shook his shoulder a little.

“Bruce, let’s go to bed, it’s three in the morning” he said

Bruce woke up but was very drowsy, he didn’t seem drunk, he just wasn’t entirely awake. Joker got water for himself and when he turned around Bruce had closed his eyes again.

“Come on, at least go to the nearest couch” Joker said touching his shoulder again

“Alright, alright” Bruce answered in a grumpy, drowsy way.

When they got to the corridor on the second floor, Joker took advantage of the fact that Bruce was not thinking straight and just guided him to his new bedroom, so they could sleep together.

“Take these clothes off, sleeping with them must be horrible” Joker said when he saw Bruce going to bed without any intention of removing them.

He took Joker’s advice and lay down close to him only with his boxers.

“Why is that I always end up sleeping in my underwear in your bed after I had a tough night?” Joker wasn’t sure if he was talking to him or to himself, his voice was distant, typical from someone almost asleep. Joker thought for a moment but didn’t say anything, Bruce wouldn’t remember it the morning.

It was about ten o’clock when Joker woke up, he turned around to see if Bruce was awake, but he seemed to be in a deep sleep. So he took a shower and got back to his new bedroom. He was getting his makeup from the box when he heard Bruce move in the bed and yawn.

“Good morning, newspaper drooler” Joker said in a distracted way.

“I guess I deserve this title, but I didn’t drool  _ that _ much” he said while sitting on bed, half covered by the sheets.

“What was that all about?” Joker asked while starting to apply his makeup, using a big mirror close to the desk that had a baroque wooden ornament around it.

“I wish I knew… I was drinking a little, probably read two paragraphs of the news and next thing I remember you’re there telling me it’s three in the morning… I don’t even remember taking my clothes off” he said looking under the sheets to check if he had underwear on.

Bruce watched him while he did his makeup, he had never seen him starting it from scratch.

“You’re really good at this, it’s almost ready in ten minutes” Bruce said, still watching him.

“Oh, I did this so many times I could do it with my eyes closed” Joker said in a bored way.

“I don’t understand why you keep wearing makeup, I’ve already seen your face”

“I never did it to  _ hide _ my identity,  _ this _ is who I am. I’m the same person with or without makeup. I agree, it’s convenient for when I don’t want to be recognized, but not many people in Gotham have scars like mine… I wear it… ‘cause I feel like it” he said nodding in the end and looking up, giving some thought to what he said and feeling satisfied with it.

“So when you don’t wear it, I’ve seen you without it many times, it’s simply because you were not in the mood that day?” Bruce asked trying to understand a little further.

“Yeah, you could say that… Or maybe because  _ someone _ forgot to buy makeup remover” He said teasing Bruce a little.

“It was  _ just _ once! You spoiled brat!” Bruce answered in a playful tone.

They shared a moment of comfortable silence while Joker applied the lipstick and after that he went to the bed to give Bruce a good morning kiss, sitting next to him after it.

“Anyway, I don’t know how you do it” Joker said in a somehow admiring tone.

“What do you mean?” Bruce frowned.

“Well, at night you’re Batman, and during the day you’re Bruce Wayne, the playboy billionaire. They are  _ both _ masks. When you took off your mask the first time I had more questions than  _ ever _ in my head about your identity. You can be Batman, but sometimes you need to do things  _ only _ Batman would do, same for that image of Bruce Wayne that you sell to people. It was when you showed me your face that I realized that I knew nothing about you! About the  _ real _ Bruce Wayne. How can you do it? I wouldn’t be able to play a role that isn’t my own, how do you manage to play two?!”

Bruce was quiet for a moment, he did think about this before, but no one ever asked him directly how he felt about it in his entire life. Not even Rachel or Alfred. He would never think the Joker could have this kind of sensibility to understand emotions. He knew he was explosive about his own emotions and lacked the slightest sign of empathy for his past victims, but this was a higher level of understanding.

“There is nothing scarier than you, when you have a point, Joker” He said pausing a little. “I’ve spent weeks thinking about what you said when you first woke up here” he admitted.

_ Is this why I’m here? So you don’t get to hate yourself forever for leaving me to die in that alley? _

“I always thought I didn’t kill people because bringing them to justice seemed the right thing to do, I didn’t want to become a murderer like the person who killed my parents. But maybe you’re right, maybe I spared people not because I truly thought they deserved a chance to live, but because I, in a selfish way, knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with it and live my life afterward” Bruce said in a reflexive way.

“You might have brought me here out of desperation, Bruce. And you might have spared people based of selfishness, but you did spare them, and you did save me, you feel guilt and compassion. There is no way you could ever be this kind of murderer you’re afraid of becoming. Even if you killed someone, it wouldn’t be a person you and everybody else consider as innocent. You wouldn’t kill someone for the sake of it, I think” Joker said trying to somehow comfort him. He knew he could be cruel when he made people question themselves.

Bruce was afraid to ask him if he felt a sadistic satisfaction when killing someone, he was almost sure he did, he gave him and Gotham many reasons to believe so.

“Do you feel guilt? Or remorse or anything like that when you kill someone, Joker? Bruce asked. It was a touchy question, but when else could he ask it?

“I wouldn’t say I don’t feel  _ any _ kind of empathy, I would say it’s very,  _ very _ , selective” he said, taking a moment to think. “But no, I never felt guilt or remorse  _ while _ I was doing it. It was part of the ‘act’, let’s say. What I  _ did _ feel was that I crossed the line once and for that one, I regret. I wanted to push you to your limits, I loved to see that fury in your eyes, but seeing you in such pain and grief was not what I wanted” he continued in a gloomy tone, making the atmosphere around them darker. They could almost see the things that happened in the alleys being played before their eyes.

This time the silence was unsettling. After moments of tension, both immersed in their own thoughts, Bruce sighed loudly.

“You know what? Let’s just stop doing this. When did this become a competition of who is sorrier and who messed up more or who started? I just want to move on from all that, don’t you?” Bruce said in an upset tone.

“Yes, more than anything”

“I know some things trigger you, don’t worry, I’ll keep being patient. But, please, let’s try to stop beating ourselves up mentally, ok?” Bruce said taking Joker’s hand in a gentle way.

“Ok… newspaper drooler” he said, sealing their agreement, making Bruce smile back at him. “Still, you didn’t answer me… How do you manage all this, doesn’t it get confusing? Don’t you get tired?” he asked

“To be honest, I think it’s harder to pretend I’m that Bruce Wayne people know, than being Batman. I think I’m doing the right thing fighting crime, protecting people, it’s natural to me. Sometimes I have to make decisions that I don’t like that much because Batman has an image and a lot of responsibility attached to it. But it’s mostly me. Now,  _ that _ Bruce Wayne is a real struggle to maintain. I hate being labeled as shallow, futile, greedy, egocentric and even a jerk to women. I try to protect these people but many of them don’t even support Batman and everybody thinks Bruce Wayne is just another playboy with some expensive cars…” he sighed “That is frustrating…”

“How about that promise of not beating yourself up mentally? You are very hard on yourself, Bruce. I don’t think you’re any of those things, now that I know you better. In fact, I never thought Batman or Bruce Wayne could treat me so nicely as you do. I like the real you better than I liked Batman, if you want to know” Joker said trying to cheer him up, meaning every word and also feeling strange for deliberately saying nice things to someone.

Bruce’s countenance changed while he listened to those words. He was very insecure to be himself with people and not many people got a glimpse of who he really was. People not liking Batman or his playboy facade was something he was used to, it wasn’t personal to him. Getting to know him for real and being rejected was, on the other hand, a very desolating idea. He had a smile on his face that could be expressing a list of good things. He gave Joker a look filled with meaning, mostly gratitude, and kissed him. This time, the kiss didn’t express lust, they were doing it because there were no words to describe how they felt, so they had to show it in a physical way.

“Are you hungry? How about we go to the kitchen and get something to eat?” Bruce suggested after they stopped kissing.

“Who doesn’t get hungry after such a philosophical conversation in the morning, right?” he said messing Bruce’s hair with his hand. “Thought you had someone to cook for you”

“Sometimes I hire someone to cook for me and Alfred for some time, but I like Alfred’s cooking and I can cook a couple of things myself”

“Alfred being…?” Joker asked.

“My parents hired him as a butler before I was born and when they were gone, he raised me and took care of me, he is family” 

“Sounds like a nice person, where is him?”

“Gave him some vacation so we could have privacy at home, but sometimes people will come here to clean the place, I’ll let you know” Bruce said

“So you live in this place but you’re doing your bed and washing dishes?” Joker asked not believing it.

“I never do my bed and I let dishes accumulate. I hire people to help me keep the house, but it’s not a hotel”

“Well,  _ room service _ got significantly better after I started making out with the maid” Joker said in a mocking way.

Bruce wasn’t used to people having such liberty to make fun of him, but it was a breath of fresh air for him to be treated as an equal, not like a boss or an intimidating figure, just himself in his boxers and bad morning breath.


	11. Chapter 11

Sometimes Joker did this, Bruce got used to it. Whenever it was cleaning day at the Wayne Manor he would disappear and only come back late at night, when no one was home except Bruce. He was very antisocial, had no friends and didn't like interacting with ordinary people, except when he was scaring the shit out of them, of course. He had worked with other villains before, but merely out of convenience. Bruce was curious to know what he did when he was out, but he never asked, he hoped one day he would tell him something. He imagined the Joker was someone who didn't like to feel he owes explanations about how he spends his time. On the other hand, Bruce liked to talk about his day, especially because he didn't have to conceal things from the Joker, he knew his secrets.

But now Bruce was concerned. He didn't wait for Joker's return to go to bed, he thought he would be back by morning, like always. But when he knocked the door and opened it, he wasn't there. His bed was untouched, also no sign of him around the manor. He had to go to work, couldn't wait, Joker was probably ok. Right? He tried to convince himself of that the whole day, even called to Joker's room from the office in the afternoon, but no one answered. He caught himself checking the security cameras, that were activated by motion sensors and could be accessed from his phone, and they didn't register anything around the property during the night or while he was out. This was strange, sometimes he would spend a couple of days out, but he would always warn him.

He got home late and tried to do other things to distract himself. He knew Joker wasn't the most predictable person he ever met, he didn't want to be invasive to him. He even thought Joker could have left him because he simply didn't want to be with him anymore. That was a painful idea. After laying in bed and failing miserably at sleeping for three hours, Bruce decided he couldn't take this anymore. He went down the Batcave, put on his Batsuit and left to search for him. This must have been the most frustrating search of his life. He searched everywhere and found nothing. The sun was threatening to rise in the horizon when his phone beeped inside the Batmobile. He programmed the software from the cameras to let him know if there was movement inside the manor while he was out.

He went back immediately, not even caring to remove his Batsuit to go upstairs. He forgot to knock at Joker's door and just opened it, he knew he was there. When he looked inside he found him sitting on the floor, close to his bed. He had a distant look on his face and, at the same time, seemed upset with something. Batman sat close to him on the floor, not saying a word.

"Are you ok, Joker? Did something happen?" Batman asked without looking at him after some time.

"I hate myself sometimes… I was doing ok, but…" Joker stared but Batman interrupted him catching his left hand that was between them.

"Where? This arm?" Batman asked in a serious tone.

"Yes" he answered

"Wait for me in the bathroom, I'll get something to clean it" Batman said in a still serious tone.

Bruce was really angry with him right now. He never thought this addiction Joker had could be so difficult to treat, he imagined it would disappear while he got better. He was getting impatient with it and was also very upset because he knew how dangerous this could be.

He was ready to see some big ugly cuts when he rolled Joker's sleeve up, but he found two shallow and thin cuts that had a small length on his wrist. All the older cuts had healed, even the big one that was infected in the past. It was sad to see fresh cuts close to the healed ones. He cleaned them without saying a word, not hiding his anger from his expression while doing so. Joker was also silent, he didn't want to say anything. Most of all he was feeling guilty, not so much for hurting himself, but because he knew Bruce cared.

"I've spent the night searching for you. I'm tired, I'll go to sleep" Bruce said dryly while gathering the things he used and on his way to the bathroom door.

This statement made Joker feel even worse.

"Bats… Bruce, wait!" he said following him.

"What!?" Bruce snapped back angrily turning around to look at him.

Joker wanted to say something, but he couldn't find words, especially with Bruce looking at him like that.

"Nothing, nevermind" Joker said in a sad tone, heading to his room.

"Ok, Joker… wait!" Bruce said in a softer tone when Joker was about to enter his room "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have talked to you like that… What is it?" he said calming down a little.

"Could you stay here with me?... Please?"

"Why don't we stay in my room for a change?" Batman offered "I can make it darker than your room, we'll sleep better"

"Ok, I'll be there in a minute"

They were a bit awkward in bed. They wanted to hold each other, but neither was sure the other wanted to.

"Thanks, Bruce, you know why" Joker said reaching for Bruce's shoulder

Bruce left his pride behind and put his arm around Joker under the sheets, bringing him closer.

"I want to talk to you about this, but later. I was so worried about you…" he said almost whispering in the other's ear. He was holding Joker as if he could evaporate at any minute, relieved he was home but also agitated with the idea of losing him.

When Joker woke up it was about noon and Bruce was still holding him in that same position. Later in that afternoon Bruce was sitting on a couch at the library and heard Joker's steps in the corridor, he called his name and waited for the man to sit by his side.

"Joker, I'm feeling somehow guilty about what happened… I've noticed you had some marks in your body, they were kind of hidden, I chose not to say anything, but now I think I should have" Bruce said trying to sound friendlier than the ice treatment the gave Joker since they woke up.

Joker was a bit surprised, he didn't think Bruce would notice the little purple marks he had. They were caused by scratching and pressing his nails strongly against his skin. Didn't feel like cutting, but that's all he could do to satisfy his urge.

"Also, you put on some weight ever since you got here, you're looking way healthier, but you're still thinner than you used to be and sometimes you eat very little for days and I don't know what to do about it.  _And then_  you disappear, I can't find you  _anywhere_  and you show up with cuts on your arm. I'm sorry I got mad at you, but I was really worried, I had a billion ideas of what could have happened to you and all of them scared me. I even thought you left me because you didn't want to be with me anymore…" Bruce continued with a sorrowed voice.

This was new for Joker, he never felt like he was emotionally responsible for someone. This idea weighted a ton on his shoulders, it scared him, really. His actions and the consequences of his actions have always been his business. He had serious trouble to put himself in somebody else's shoes. But this was Bruce and he had just admitted Joker's erratic way to be made him feel insecure about them.

"Bruce, I'm sorry I worried you so much… I'm not used having someone who cares that much about me. I know I'm unpredictable and all… but I wouldn't leave you like this. Hey, look at me" he said turning his face to see Bruce better "I get it why people don't trust me, but you're not like everybody else to me, you're so much more"

Bruce had the obvious question expressed in his face. So much more, what does that mean? Joker didn't like to put romantic things into words, he was good for comforting Bruce, but that was it. However, the circumstances required a little bit of clarity.

"I'll never take back what I said when you first interrogated me… you complete me. It has a different meaning now, but it never stopped being true" Joker said hoping it would answer Bruce's unspoken question.

A warm feeling spread across Bruce's heart. He had feelings for Joker, they were many, from different natures, but his romantic feelings were waiting for this moment to blossom. He was afraid to allow himself to fall in love completely for someone so unpredictable, so unstable, so impulsive, so complicated, so twisted. He was afraid Joker would steal his heart, instead of having something mutual between them. They demonstrated affection with their actions, romance wasn't a new element, but Bruce was constantly watching his heart not to feel too much. At least, until now.

"Well, say something!" Joker said a bit desperate for declaring his affection and getting an indecipherable look from Bruce.

Bruce just smiled, a bit amused by how the clown prince of crime was freaking out by saying something like this.

"I can imagine how difficult saying this must be for you… Thank you, Joker, that's all I wanted to hear… And I feel the same, I think I couldn't have put in better words myself, you complete me too" he said calmly before kissing him.

It was a very needy kiss that made them both breathless. Bruce put his arms around Joker afterwards, he just wanted to feel him close, touch his hair, feel his scent. After some time, Bruce broke their hug to continue talking to him before Joker found an excuse to leave the library. Their conversation certainly exceeded Joker's dosage of talking about his own deep feelings for the next decade.

"Since we're talking about things, tell me… how can I help you with this?" Bruce asked touching Joker's wrist.

"I don't think you can, Bruce" Joker answered.

"I know in the end of the day it's your choice, but isn't there anything that I can do to help? Like distracting you when you feel like doing it or something like that?" He insisted

Joker thought for a moment and seemed like he wanted to say something but didn't have the courage to.

"Really, just tell me" Bruce reassured him.

"Ok… hum… Try not getting so mad at me when it happens. Because I'm already pissed at myself, and then you get pissed off too and honestly… it won't prevent me from doing it again. It just makes things worse" Joker said carefully

Bruce sighed. He was right. He wasn't exactly proud of the things he did when his temper was out of control. Having someone like  _the Joker_  to tell him to calm the shit down was a strong message.

"Alright, I'll try to be calmer… Now that you said it, it must suck when you need comfort and people are just mad at you" Bruce said giving it some thought. "Also, I read some things about it today, some people say putting ice cubes in the places you want to cut can help. They say it feels similar. Maybe you could give it a try?" Bruce asked

"Ice cubes? Never heard of that one before, but ok, as long as it keeps my veins away from needles and serum… yeah, I can give it a try" Joker answered remembering that night he had to take the needle out himself. "Anything else you read?" he asked

"Something about avoiding places you do it and keeping busy at the time of the day you think about it"

By said this, Joker's expression closed a little, it got darker.

"Humm… have you been somewhere that…" Bruce tried asking, hoping not to be too much information

"My place" Joker answered. "It was exactly as I left, but with a lot of dust… The razor was still there on the bathroom floor…" he said growing more anxious.

"And you…?" Bruce asked with his eyes widening in concern.

"Oh, no, not with that one… I had some I never used under the sink. I used to like that place, but maybe I shouldn't go there anymore" Joker said with a sad voice.

"I understand… When my parents died I started to hate his place, reminded me I would never see them again. Sometimes I walked around their favorite places in the house, hoping to see them, but they were never there" Bruce said, also in a sad tone.

"You still live here, what did you do to get over it?" Joker asked

"I just kept living here with Alfred and eventually, each room acquired a new meaning as I grew up. My dad used to like that armchair a lot, he would read and smoke there all the time, but when I see it now, all I can remember is Alfred reading stories for me while I was sitting on the floor" Bruce said in a nostalgic way looking at the armchair across the library. The memory cheered him up.

"You don't see him in a long time, right? I can tell you miss him. You guys should meet, catch up, you know. I bet he misses you too" Joker said

"What should I say when he asks me what his vacation is all about? He'll ask that for sure"

"You can tell him the truth, if you want, I don't mind. He probably hates me, like everybody else in this town, be ready for that. But don't tell other people, ok? Just imagine how creative the villains in Gotham will become if they find out about us"

"Alfred wouldn't tell anyone. But, yeah… It will be a surprise, I'll have to think about how I'm telling him" Bruce said in a reflexive way, not an easy task at all.

"Always the guy with a plan" Joker said almost singing to provoke him. "I'm gonna make some coffee and smoke outside, wanna join me?" He asked.

"Sure" Bruce said getting up from the couch

They were at the kitchen waiting for the coffee machine's green light when Bruce remembered Joker didn't say anything about his eating habits.

"Still waiting for your answer, Joker… You haven't been eating very well" Bruce pointed out.

"Oh, I've always been like this, sometimes I have a good appetite and sometimes I kind of lose interest in food and just eat snacks when I remember eating. Don't worry, I'm fine" Joker said

"But you were eating so little this last week!" Bruce said not remembering the last time Joker ate a proper meal in front of him.

"Who do you think you are to say that? My grandma?" Joker asked annoyed, Bruce could be a control freak sometimes.

Bruce got silent and after a moment he started laughing, trying to contain himself, which made him laugh even more. Joker didn't understand what the hell was going on.

"What is so funny?" Joker asked confused

"Sorry, I just had this mental image of an old lady with hair curlers and your makeup on giving you some cookies and milk" he explained making Joker crack a smile.

"And they say  _I'm_ mad" He said rolling his eyes, chuckling a little.

They went outside and sat under a big tree. It was six o'clock. Bruce was almost sure he saw something moving behind some bushes. The idea it could be a white rabbit made him feel like getting up and searching for it.

"I saw something too, wanna go check it?" Joker offered while smoking his second cigarette.

"Nah, it's probably gone by now" Bruce answered in a lazy tone. Why bothering doing down the rabbit hole when he had his Mad Hatter right here?


	12. Chapter 12

_"Hi, J is that you?"_ Bruce said from the other side of the phone. He couldn't say "Joker" in case anyone decided to spy on him.

"Hello Brucey, yeah, just little old me. What is it?" Joker asked

 _"I don't know, to be honest, I didn't think I would make it this far"_ Bruce answered

"What the hell are you talking about?"

_"You know, me calling, you **actually** picking up the phone. What a time to be alive"_

"You're a terrible liar, come on, what is it?" Joker asked impatiently, he hated talking on the phone.

_"I'm going to enter into one of those 'no cell phone allowed' places in a factory and will just be back at night. Can you order some pizza for us?"_

"You? The protein freak guy wants pizza for dinner?" Joker said in disbelief

 _"I swear that if I eat chicken and eggs for dinner tonight I might as well kill myself"_ Bruce answered half joking and half meaning it because sometimes he was just sick and tired of eating the way he did to maintain his body.

"Alright, I'll ask for some pizza to prevent this tragedy. Any specific place or flavor?"

_"I have a place I like to order, but you can choose whatever flavor you want, I don't have anything in mind right now. The number is…"_

"Wait! Wait! Let me get a pen!" Joker said searching for a paper and a pen in his bedroom but didn't find anything.

_"J, go to my room, I have some pens and papers on the desk. But fast, I have to go in like, one minute"_

"Alright, alright"

Joker got there and found some blank sheets on the desk but no pens.

"Bruce, can I open the drawer? I think you might have put them there"

They were very respectful of each other's privacy, neither felt the need to lock doors and drawers and conceal personal notes because they knew it wasn't necessary. They had their secrets and things they didn't want to share with anyone, just like any human being on earth, so they never sneaked into each other's things.

 _"That's ok"_ Bruce answered

"Found one! Ok, tell me the number"

Bruce said the number quickly and hang up right after it, he was kind of late. Joker was about to leave the pen back in the drawer when he looked at something that made him stop what he was doing. It was a big black folder and had a label named "Joker" in the top of it. Looked like a police record somehow. He couldn't resist, he wanted to know what was written there. Could it be his file from Gotham's police? From Arkham? They never let the patients look their own records. Or even a journal from Bruce! That last one made him feel uneasy, didn't feel right, but he just couldn't leave without reading it now.

He opened and the first thing he saw was a picture of him taken by a security camera. It had a date, 17th of July 2008, the day he robbed the bank, when it all started. There were some other pictures included, all from security cameras and some from the video he made to threat killing people in case Batman didn't reveal his identity.

He found a calendar in the folder. The pages were folded, probably because Bruce had it on the wall before. It had notes written in green on dates he committed a crime. Many until the end of 2008 and even more until they suddenly stopped appearing in the middle of 2009. On the 16th of July 2009, there was a black mark. Joker never stopped to think when that first night occurred, but now he knew. Looking at it made him feel really bad, he was so anxious his pulse accelerated. The calendar pages went on with more and more black marks, he looked at them knowing way too well what they meant. He was about to close the folder and leave the Mansion for weeks when he saw a different mark on the 6th of December 2009.

It was a blue mark and Joker realized there were other things in the folder marked with a blue sticker. He looked up and they were results from blood tests, lists of medical things like needles and names of medication, lists of symptoms he remembers describing to Batman and looking back to the calendar, Batman had it all documented. Every day on the beginning when he couldn't eat and threw up his food and the day Batman removed his stitches, on the 20th of December.

It calmed him down to see Batman had serious intentions to help him recover from the first moment he arrived. But what concerned him on the blue marked documents was a name Batman circled. It was written in black with other possible diagnoses, but that one was circled in red. Sepsis. He knew what that was. Blood poisoning. That's lethal. Once he heard a guy in Arkham was being treated for sepsis because someone stabbed him and he didn't clean the wound. It got infected and spread in his blood. He died fast because people didn't know what was happening to him. It was uncommon diagnose, but Batman had it on the top of the list. It was on the first blood test he made, with the name of the bacteria causing the infection coming in the result. For the first time, he had no doubt it was not a "you could have died" situation. He would have definitely died.

He was already breathing heavily but what made his knees feel weak was when he saw a note written in red on the 24th of December 2009. It was the first time the used this color.

"I think he liked the gift, he let me sit close to him, I'm really happy"

"Oh my God Bruce, how could I not like it?" Joker asked out loud to an imaginary Bruce, remembering that warm feeling he felt that day.

He found more notes that made him smile slightly while reading. Mostly everyday things that he never imagined Bruce gave importance. He even blushed a little under his makeup when he read a note saying he looks cute when he sleeps. He would normally hate being called "cute" by anyone, but it was so sincere that made him feel fuzzy and enjoyably embarrassed.

Next note in red was on the 4th of February 2009.

"We kissed and I slept in his bed. Felt like a dream."

"Oh man…" He said placing his free hand over his mouth instinctively by the surprise. It was hard for him to process this kind of emotion since he wasn't used to them with such intensity.

He continued reading and felt more confident about his appearance with what he read. Vanity wasn't his thing, but he knew he was looking awful when he got here and it was painful to look at himself like that. And later, being attracted to Batman, it made him feel insecure to look so sick and weak close to Batman's perfect body. Bruce hardly said anything about the way he looked but reading his notes he learned Bruce did find him attractive. And that was good to know.

"He has dark brown eyes. Never noticed before, but I like the color"

That note was strange, he thought. Usually people like bright colors for eyes like blue and green.

On the 9th of April, he found notes he clearly wrote at different times of the day.

"I'll invite him to move upstairs, I'm afraid he'll leave, I hope he stays"

And just below them, it read "He said yes! And today was our first time! What a day"

Somehow it felt great to know Bruce considered that day at the gym as their first time because he also did. They were being patient to start sex with penetration since Joker found it to be triggering, but yes, that was the first time they were more intimate in a sexual way, definitely counts after all they've been through. Also, the Joker always wondered if Bruce was waiting for them to be intimate before inviting him to move upstairs, but according to the sequence of the notes, he was already going to invite him that day.

A solitary blue note was on the 13th of May.

"Relapse, but the cuts were shallow"

That was the day Bruce got angry at him for disappearing. And now it was the 20th of May 2009. It was surprising to get to see the whole picture like this. Joker was never attached to records and dates, but this gave him some perspective of time he didn't have before. Some parts seemed faster to him in his head and some others way slower.

Batman abused him for about five months. It felt like a lifetime to him. He stayed on the Batcave from December to April. If Batman told him he had been there for two months or two years he would have believed it either way, time was strange down there. And now he was on the Wayne Manor for something like two months. That was finally easy to track down since he wasn't sick and having mental breakdowns all the time and could see the day outside.

Giving it a thought, exactly one year ago, none of this had happened. Things were the way they used to be before the 16th of July.

He would never be grateful or thank for the horrible things that happened, it nearly got him killed. The amount of physical pain and emotional distress was too high even if he had two lifetimes to cope with it. He felt bitter for the ugly parts, some of them he never forgot Bruce for and he is sure Bruce didn't forgive every single thing he did wrong. He wasn't grateful for the path they had at first even if it leads them to where they are now. They loved the way things were now, but it could have been different, it could have been less destructive and damaging.

But right at this moment, Joker was pleased to see their story didn't have black marks anymore. It was mostly written in red, with some occasional blue. And _that_ was a good reason to be grateful.


	13. Chapter 13

Later that night Joker was in the main study, just waiting for Bruce and passing the time. He tried reading but none of those books seemed remotely interesting. He spent so long underground that the idea of staying inside was still unnerving to him if he could be out there doing whatever he wanted. The Wayne Manor was great but without Bruce, it was just a huge empty place with fancy decoration.

He decided to give a try on one last book. He didn't even look at the title and opened just to have a peak on what it was all about. As he read, he felt something familiar, but rare: he had read this book before. He knew those lines but had no memory of himself reading it. His memory worked in mysterious ways even to him. Sometimes he remembered things from his past life, before becoming who he is, and sometimes he wasn't sure if those were real memories. He liked that book, remembering things he used to like was nice as long as he didn't remember too much, he was a bit apprehensive about it.

He looked around and saw the piano. He knew it was an entrance to the Batcave if he played the right notes, he used that secret entrance sometimes. However, when he sat down, leaving the book beside him on the piano bench, he looked in an intrigued way to the black and white keys of the piano. Could he play it? He had absolutely no memories of ever sitting in front of a piano on his life, but why not? He removed his purple gloves and tried playing some notes to hear them. This time another part of his memory was triggered: muscle memory. Somehow it felt like his hands remembered how to play something. He was sure it was a very simplified version of a requiem.

Meanwhile, Bruce was on his way to the main study to use the secret entrance so he could do a couple of things before having dinner with Joker when he heard the piano. At first, he thought it was a recording, it didn't occur to him Joker could be playing it. But he stopped playing and replayed a couple of notes again as if he were perfecting the rhythm. Bruce was walking fast to see this but also quietly because he didn't want him to stop in case he saw him. He reached the door and this might be the strangest scene he ever saw: Joker, with his purple suit, green hair and all was really there trying to play his piano.

"Alright, I think it goes like this" Joker said to himself out loud, not noticing Bruce's presence close to the door.

He played a little piece of the requiem and stopped. It had more to it but that's how far he ever got on learning it. Well, that was interesting.

Bruce knocked the open door after a moment, to catch his attention. Joker didn't get startled, he was involved in his own thoughts, so it took him a moment to look at Bruce. He looked very surprised, almost like he was looking at a stranger possessing Joker's body.

"Hi… I didn't know you could play the piano" Bruce said kind of perplexed but also fascinated, getting closer to him "And if I ever had to guess, I would never imagine you could play Lacrimosa from Mozart" he added.

"Oh so that's how it's called, nice…" he answered, pleased that now he at least knew the name of that requiem.

"You weren't even using music sheets, how do you not know its name?"

"I really don't know, Bruce. And I don't think I can play the piano, I think I just know this little piece. I've seen music sheets before but I can't read them. You heard it, right? Doesn't sound like someone who has studied for years, sounded like a beginner playing, right?"

Bruce understood what was happening, he never talked or asked him about his past life. He wasn't sure if Joker just decided to hide it or if he couldn't remember it. Probably a combination of both.

"Well, Mozart is not a beginner's thing, but you played a very simplified version. Maybe you got the notes by ear or someone simplified it so you could play it"

"Hummm maybe, I can't tell, can't remember anyone being my teacher for anything at all" he said, trying to remember if he ever sat in a classroom as a kid.

"And how about this book?" Bruce asked gently, reading the title of the book Joker left on the beach, he didn't want to force answers out of him but was very curious. "Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, got you interested?"

"I got it randomly from the shelf when I read some of it I recognized the lines… I think I used to like this book, if I recognized a random line in the middle with not much importance to the story, I probably must have read it more than once" Joker said while putting his hand on his chin. "Did you read it too?"

"I think I tried once, but I wasn't really into it, probably because I couldn't see much of myself in the creature" he answered, being honest about it.

"Funny you said that... I think you could spend many summers and winters trying to create something if you believed that's a good idea. Next time you read it, try to see Dr. Frankenstein's point of view" Joker suggested, some memories of the book's plot coming back to him as he talked.

Bruce stared at the books cover while Joker said that, he was almost shy to have this conversation.

"What?" Joker asked, not understanding why Bruce looked weird out suddenly.

"Just give me a minute to adjust to the fact I saw you play Lacrimosa on the piano and got compared to Victor Frankenstein by you. That's a lot to process, don't you think?"

"Well, putting it that way, yeah…"

"Don't be afraid to share these things with me, ok? Maybe they don't represent you anymore, but I like to know about it" Bruce said trying to make him feel more comfortable.

"Alright" Joker said while standing up from the bench. He looked at Bruce, he was obscenely handsome wearing that black suit.

Bruce noticed the lust in Joker's eyes and pulled him closer for a kiss. He noticed the green haired man was in the mood right away, he was kissing him in an accelerating rhythm, pressing their body together. He wanted more, it was too obvious. Bruce would be happy to take this further, but they heard the doorbell.

"Your pizza has arrived, Mr. Wayne" Joker said in his mocking tone.

"I'll go get it, wanna eat it now?" He asked

"Yeah it could be"

"Good, I'm starving" Bruce said before leaving to open the door. Weird thing not to have Alfred to do this for him. The delivery guy would probably be surprised.

They decided to eat while watching whatever movie on TV. They just started to pay a bit of attention to it after they finished eating and were sitting on the couch. Bruce was about to suggest they did or watched something else, but then a sex scene started in the movie. Not just a sex scene, it was a gay sex scene. Didn't show much, it was edited and quick, just to imply what happened between the characters, but it caused an effect on him. He was still thinking about their hungry kiss at the main study, suddenly it felt like all this body was aching for Joker's touch. This made him bite his lip slightly, the idea was too tempting in his head.

Joker noticed this change on Bruce while they watched the scene, he was not going to lose that opportunity to take advantage of it. That face Bruce made was what his fantasies are made of. Joker was sitting right next to Bruce, so he put his hand on the other's crotch slowly, growing more and more aroused as he felt Bruce's breathing get heavier while he teased his already fully erected member. Joker opened Bruce's zipper and grabbed his cock under his clothes, making him squeeze his eyes shut in pleasure and moan. When he opened his eyes, he looked at Joker with so much desire expressed on his face that the other man just rushed to start kissing him like before.

This time, Bruce did something he wasn't very used to. He almost sat on his lap, placing his knees on the couch around him and started to kiss his neck eagerly while stroking Joker's cock. This position felt a little weird at first, but Joker started to feel his thighs in a delicious way and later started to jerk him too while grabbing his ass.

"Come on, Bruce, I know what you want, let's do it" Joker said in a rather bossy way

Bruce didn't even bother to answer. Joker laid his head on the armrest and he got over him in a good position so Joker could suck him. The noise his belt made while he was undoing it was a huge turn on for Joker for some reason. As always, he liked to tease Bruce, licking all his length and sucking his balls before putting his dick in his mouth to suck him properly. When he finally started sucking him, Bruce felt a shiver spread all over his body, it made him start moving his hips, he knew Joker could take it.

Bruce was moaning loudly with every short thrust and Joker started to tease him by grabbing his ass in a suggestive way, stimulating him closer to his entrance. He rarely did that, he thought Bruce didn't like it, but tonight it felt right.

Bruce was a bit insecure to ask for what he wanted next, but one day he eventually would have to ask for it since it wasn't obvious. He pulled out slowly and Joker had a confused look on his face but said nothing since, clearly, Bruce was about to say something.

"Humm Joker… I was thinking about something we could do, if you want it too, obviously… I've been… curious about… well, you know" Bruce said showing a massive amount of shyness

"Let me get this  ** _straight_** " Joker said trying to break the tension, smiling in amusement "We've been kissing and making out  ** _and_**  sucking each other in every room of this mansion and you're embarrassed to ask me to fuck you? You're unbelievable!"

Bruce blushed a lot while hearing Joker's answer. He was right, there was no good reason not to try it. Maybe for considering himself a straight male for most of his life, it felt like that was something forbidden. But it all sounded so stupid now, even if he didn't feel attraction to another man in the past, why not try it? It's not like he has an obligation to continue doing it if he doesn't like it.

Joker observed Bruce was still waiting for an answer.

"Of course we can try it, Bruce. You tell me when, we can even do it now if you're into it"

"Let's do it now, I really want to know how it feels" he said

They went to Joker's bedroom, making a quick stop on the bathroom to get lube. Joker asked if he wanted him to use a condom, but he said no. Wasn't a surprise, it was well known between them that Bruce had a bit of a fetish for his kind of thing.

Joker pushed to bed and they made out more before starting, it felt different, they didn't have to hold back anymore. It was more intense, if possible, gave them a freedom they didn't have before.

Bruce loved when Joker was on the top of him and they could feel each other's volume. It always made him gasp for air and teased his curiosity for what they were about to do.

"I'm going to stretch it with my fingers first, ok? It will help" Joker said while sitting on the bed in a better position for his task. "Alright, turn around"

"Can we do it like this? I want to see you" Bruce asked

"I can prepare you like this if you want, but I think the other position might hurt less" he pointed out

"Ok" Bruce had forgotten it might hurt at first. He had a good tolerance for pain, but he figured other positions could wait a little.

Joker used a good amount of lube on his fingers and introduced his index finger slowly, after putting some pressure on the other's entrance for a while. He noticed Bruce was nervous, but also very turned on. He continued like this until he felt he could try putting another finger. Bruce let out a gasp of pain when he did that, so he started to suck him to help him get distracted from the painful start. Joker was holding Bruce's bent left leg up while licking him all over and making his fingers go every time deeper, as he relaxed.

"Ohhh, Joker… I'm ready, let's do it" Bruce said between gasps, this was starting to be too much for him. All that sucking and that new pleasure in his ass, he was craving for it more than ever.

Before turning around Bruce kissed him and jerked his partner eagerly, he had been patient on preparing him, he wanted Joker to be as turned on as he was right now. Joker got back on the mood quickly and broke the kiss to turn Bruce around himself, he used some strength to throw him back on bed. The man under him wasn't expecting it, but he liked a lot. Bruce had never let anyone dominate him, not even one bit. This was new and exciting, felt almost surreal to let Joker do as he pleased with his body.

Joker got on the top of him, his hard member pressing against his ass, making him feel anxious to have it inside him. Bruce just loved how wrong and dirty it felt. Joker pressed the head of his cock against the entrance, not resisting much to push some of his length inside. Bruce tensed up for a moment, it hurt, felt strange, but he wanted more. And Joker sure gave him more once he said he could go deeper. Bruce felt more pain than he anticipated, Joker wasn't as big as him, but he had a considerable size. They waited another excruciating long moment, Joker was having a hard time resisting the temptation to start moving, it felt warm and deliciously tight, he wanted to fuck him so bad.

When Bruce said he could move, he started a slow pace while biting his lip and grabbing Bruce's waistline strongly with both his hands. Joker had the best view in Gotham right now. He could see Bruce's toned muscles flex in very sexy ways as he moved under him to explore his good angles while they were fucking. They were both sweating and Bruce's scent was stronger, making him more intoxicated by his view. He couldn't resist but to grab Bruce's hair and pull it a little, making the man under him gasp.

This made Joker fuck him a bit faster, but Bruce moaned in pain right after and as much as his moans made the other man him shiver, he didn't want to hurt him. So instead of making them change positions, Joker laid down over Bruce's back, still with his cock inside him. His weight was more distributed and that helped. Joker was breathing heavily close to the other's ear, his rhythm a bit slower but with longer thrust. He held Bruce's wrists strongly against the bed and bit him a little, close to his neck.

Bruce was so lost in all those sensations that all he could do was to ask for more and more. He did it with his body, trying to get all he could every time the other pushed deeper and letting out some grunts of pleasure. When he freed one of his hands from Joker he just sucked his partner's fingers eagerly. Joker, who was holding back as much as he could, wasn't able to do it for much longer now.

"Fuck, Bruce, ahhh… that's it, I'm gonna come" he said with a hoarse voice

"Go harder now, I can take it… I'm close too" he answered a bit desperate to find his climax

Joker gave him some good deeper thrust, coming inside him while a shiver spread across his exposed back. That probably hit a sensitive spot inside, since Bruce's breathing started to get short and erratic. His hole got tighter and Joker just gave him some more thrust before he also came, sucking his partner's fingers once again.

Joker gave Bruce a soft kiss on his shoulder before pulling out. He laid next to him, still catching his breath with a smile on his face. Joker brought him closer and started to stroke his black hair before saying something.

"So, Brucey, did you like it?" he asked while massaging the other's head gently

"Feels different than I thought, and certainly hurts more than I expected when you start… but when it gets good, well… then it gets really good" he admitted "And you? Did you like it?" He asked

"Of course I did, I wanted to do it for longer but after what you did there I just couldn't resist"

"I've noticed you like it before, that's why I just do it sometimes…. It's kind of my secret weapon" Bruce said narrowing his eyes in the end to provoke Joker

"You're such a bastard, you know that right? I'm starting to think you know me way too well" he said messing Bruce's hair.

"I'm going to take a shower, ok?" Bruce said suddenly

"Oh I get it, you go there… need any help cleaning back there?" Joker asked with no malice in his voice

"No, it's ok" Bruce said "I'll let you know if I need one of those extremely instructive tips you give me sometimes" he added smiling while walking to the corridor. He knew Joker had more experience and that never bothered him.

The atmosphere surrounding them was light and pleasant. They were both extremely satisfied with how it went, it was way better than they expected. Not only satisfied with the carnal needs they had, they were genuinely happy to finally reach this level of intimacy. Joker was pleased to see Bruce trusted him enough to have him and Bruce was also pleased to let Joker be in charge of things since he was always overthinking and obsessed with being in control of everything in his life. At first, they always thought they would break this spell about their intimacy when they had sex and Bruce would be on top. But now, looking at each other after sex, with messy hair, covered in sweat and both with affection expressed in their eyes, they couldn't think of how this could have been better for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you all for reading, subscribing, leaving comments and kudos!   
> I'm glad we've reached this far on the story, I love writing it and knowing more people are interested makes me really happy ^^  
> I also like suggestions and to know what you guys think, so don't be shy.  
> I hope you all liked this chapter and I wish you a Happy Easter!


	14. Chapter 14

It was about eight o'clock when Jonathan, also known as Scarecrow, entered his flat. His living room was strangely dark, he didn't remember closing the curtains before leaving and he felt a familiar scent reach his nose. It was not accentuated, but since he spent a lot of time inside and rarely brought anyone in, any change could be easily noticed by him. He turned on the lights and saw Joker sitting in his armchair in the right corner of the room.

"Joker… how did you get in?" Jonathan asked surprised, but quickly adding a "Nevermind" after Joker narrowed his eyes and gave him an "oh please" kind of look. He was good at breaking in inside places without being noticed.

Scarecrow looked at him better as while getting closer, not bothering to conceal the fact he was studying his guest inch by inch. Joker started to demonstrate some discomfort with that, but in fact, he was mostly annoyed.

"You never change, Jonathan. I can practically see the engines working behind your eyes. Anyway, I want to ask you some questions" He said in the hopes to break Scarecrow's gaze upon him.

"I imagined maybe you would come for that, but so long passed… wasn't even sure you were alive" he said expressing some genuine concern while getting a chair to sit in front of Joker.

"So it  **was**  you that night" Joker pointed out

"What do you remember?" Scarecrow asked

"Not much, really. Drinking a lot, some street, some dogs barking and waking up in my place next day with stomachache… but also covered in a blanket I never use and a little purple bruise on my arm. I wasn't sure it was you, but then, I found this the other day" Joker said while showing Scarecrow a little glass vial, typically used to store medication, with an obvious syringe hole on the top.

Scarecrow got it from Joker and looked at his own handwriting in the label of the vial, indicating the name of the substance and dosage.

"Joker, really, what the fuck happened that night? I was walking around my neighborhood to get some air and I heard something coming from an alley. I thought it could be a dog. I went there to check and I found you there… looking so…" he tried to finish the sentence but didn't know how to put it

"I know, I was a mess" Joker completed for him

"A mess? Joker, I  **carried** you to my car! You were so skinny it took me a while to recognize you in the dark alley! What the hell what was going on?"

"Jonathan, just tell me what else happened! I can't remember anything at all, I mean it! What did you do next?"

Scarecrow sighed, he was the one who wanted an explanation, but that could wait.

"I found you there in the dark, I think you might have just fallen on the floor… I found you laying there, still conscious but you were very disoriented, I think you recognized me. You closed your eyes and stopped responding. I carried you to my car and drove you to your place. I had no idea of what you had in your system… It could be any kind of prescript medication they used to give you in Arkham, drugs, alcohol… Didn't even know how much you had… So I got this for you and gave you a dose" he said pointing at the little glass he just left on the little table close to him

"What is that, exactly? I couldn't find anything about it anywhere" Joker asked

"I was concerned you might have taken sleep inducers the night before or had anything that acts on the brain combined with too much alcohol, that could lead to alcoholic coma or a seizure, especially in your case, they give you antipsychotics in Arkham. That is a substance I created, it helps your body metabolize this kind of medication, so it can be eliminated faster. I wanted to give you some glycose too, but I just stayed there for a couple of hours in case you started vomiting. When I realized you were just gonna sleep I left you there… Wasn't sure you wanted to see me when you wake up"

"I can't remember much, I'm almost sure I had lots of vodka that night, but that's it… no drugs or sleeping pills or whatever those people gave me in Arkham, you know I hate those, why would I take them outside?"

"Withdraw can be harsh, especially with this kind of medication if you stop all of a sudden, which is what you always do. I told you, Joker, I can arrange them for you outside Arkham, make it smoother…"

"I'm fine, I just…"

"How  **dare** you say that?! I've seen your arm that night, you look way better now but I can see you're still different… Think I didn't notice you're still skinnier? Let me see it" He said touching Joker's forearm over his clothes

"Hey! Leave it!" he said angrily taking Scarecrow's hand away from him harshly "You never fucking respect my space, Jonathan! There is a fine line between helping someone and having some sick interest in analyzing screw-ups like me. And you think that I don't know that!"

"You're not fucked up, your mind is so fascinating, I told you already… If you could only stay around more I could…"

"Oh noooo, I'm so not listening to your bullshit again! I've had enough of you trying to seduce me to be your guinea pig!" Joker interrupted him filled with anger

Scarecrow giggled bitterly and said "Funny you used that word… I kept my hands to myself that night I found you, but I won't deny I've missed our nights together"

"My God, are even listening to yourself? You really think you made me  **a favor**  in not taking advantage of me in that state?! And to think I came here to thank you for looking after me"

"You? Thanking me? That's a new one" Scarecrow said sarcastically "How about a little reward? Suits you better" he said getting closer to Joker's neck, showing a clear intention on kissing it

"Stop, Jonathan" Joker warned him pushing him aside with strength

"Ahh… exclusivity…" He said solemn and bitter tone "We didn't have that. Must be someone very  **special**. Is it a man? A woman? Probably someone you feel you need to protect, since nobody knows about it"

"Will you just shut up for once in your life? Have it crossed your head maybe I just don't want to sleep with you?" Joker snapped back

Scarecrow gave him a crooked smile in the corner of his mouth and said "Joker, we had sex so many times after you said you couldn't stand me anymore and after I said I was done with you… you're hiding something from me" He said looking straight to Joker's eyes

"Who the hell do you think you are to keep asking me things? Plus, our 'lack of exclusivity' didn't seem to bother you when  **you**  were the one sleeping around" Joker said venomously

"I don't know what you're talking about" Scarecrow said with some disdain in his voice

"Shut up! Do you think I'm stupid? I've seen you with that blond woman a thousand times! You know what, I'm leaving" Joker said getting up from the armchair and reaching the door. "And don't you  **ever**  use your experiments on me again! I mean it!" Joker said while opening the door to leave.

"In case you and your selective memory might have forgotten, I helped you get home!"

"I'd rather die than feeling like I owe you anything from now on" Joker said closing the door behind him and making his way out silently.

He was so angry he was shaking and not thinking straight. He really wanted to thank Scarecrow for taking care of him that night but being close to him just made him remember that oppressive atmosphere surrounding Scarecrow's presence. He always felt observed, studied, Scarecrow gave him so little privacy it made him infuriated. Joker even remembers a particularly nasty argument that started when Scarecrow asked him to inject some drugs on him to make his old memories return.

When he arrived at the mansion he slammed some doors and went to his bedroom to get rid of some of his clothes and go downstairs to the gym so he could punch the shit out of one of Bruce's punching bangs he had there. But when he was throwing his purple jacket on the bed he heard some weird muffled sound come from the end of the corridor. That's when he remembered Bruce was probably home but he said nothing to his noisy entrance. He got closer to Bruce's bedroom slowly, trying to control the anger boiling his blood. He heard the clear sound of Bruce sobbing inside his room.

He froze in the corridor. He had never seen or heard Bruce crying before. What could have happened to cause this reaction on him? Was he ok? Had someone died? He was extremely unprepared to comfort anyone with his state of mind but he couldn't just pretend he didn't hear anything and run away cowardly.

"Bruce? Are you there? Are you alright?" He asked after knocking the door a little but not getting an answer. He was still crying there. He heard him but didn't answer, which is even more concerning. "I'm coming in, ok?" Joker warned him in a softer tone, forgetting a great deal of his own anger with this sudden concern.

He opened the door slowly and found Bruce sitting on his chair by the desk. He was touching his head with his hands, while his elbows were on the table and his breathing was short and shallow. The whole sight was heavy and Bruce seemed immersed in his own thoughts he didn't even move when Joker got closer.

"Hey… calm down, what's wrong?" Joker asked almost whispering, touching Bruce's shoulder and trying to make him look at him. Bruce stopped sobbing when Joker entered, but he had tears in his eyes.

"J… I…" he sighed "I'm not feeling well, I…" he said placing one of his hands on his chest to indicate he was feeling something there.

"Trouble breathing? Pain in your chest?" Joker asked while holding Bruce's hand and bringing his head closer to his body for a second as he stood up beside him. Bruce just nodded. "I think you're having an anxiety attack, Bruce. I used to have those a lot…" he said stroking Bruce's hair

"Open the window for me, I need some air"

Joker did as requested and went to Bruce's bathroom for a moment, bringing a glass of water for him on his way back.

"Drink it slowly, do you want to go outside a little or just stay here?"

Bruce drank some of the water and answered "I don't know, I just want it to stop"

"Come here, let's lay down for a moment" Joker offered

"Not sure I want to lay down"

Joker thought for a moment, it was tricky to figure out what would help him since it was probably the first time he was having an anxiety attack.

"I have an idea, come with me" Joker said helping him get up from the chair and looking at him better for the first time. He was sure something happened, Bruce looked sad rather than just having a random anxiety attack.

He took Bruce to his bed and sat down on it, with his back on the headboard, inviting Bruce to sit in front of him, so he could embrace him from behind. Joker got the blanket Bruce had in his bed and covered him, giving him a kiss on the back of his head. He could feel Bruce was holding his tears, trying not to show him weakness.

"It's Alfred… he was here today, I told him about us and it was terrible… he said so many horrible things… he said he doesn't want to see me again while we are together, he thinks I'm crazy. Also, he clearly doesn't like the idea of me being with another man. Alfred is so respectful to everyone, I never thought he could be homophobic" Bruce said after ten minutes of silence, his voice cracking multiple times

"You can tell me more about it later when you're feeling better" He said stroking his right shoulder with his hand "I told you this wouldn't be easy, Bruce. I don't blame him… Do you remember how you used to feel about me one year ago? The idea you had of me? That's where he is. That's what  **everybody**  thinks of me. He is like a father to you, he must be concerned"

"I tried to explain so many things to him but he wouldn't listen… he never yelled at me like that before, not even when I was a kid or a teenager"

"Just give him some time, ok? I'm telling you, I think he would do or say anything to protect you from me. Wouldn't you do the same?"

"Maybe" Bruce said weakly, his breathing becoming typical from someone who's about to cry

"You can cry if you want, there is nothing wrong with it. I'm here for you" Joker said hugging him from behind

Bruce turned around, his eyes filled with tears. He put his head on Joker's chest and cried a little. He wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with it, nobody has ever seen him cry since he was a kid. Joker was doing a great job, holding him and making him feel like things could eventually be ok. That's all he needed now.

Bruce's anxiety attack faded gradually, as they talked about some other things and shared some moments of comfortable silence. At some point, they decided to walk outside the manor a little, get some air. The moon was beautiful and lightening their way through the woods. They were holding hands for a while when they heard some bats in a close three. That made Bruce hold Joker's hand a bit strongly.

"Bruce, you're afraid of them, aren't you? I remember you saw bats that night Scarecrow used the fear toxin on you"

"They used to terrify me as a kid, but I can deal with it better nowadays" he answered

"Why did you choose them to be your symbol if you're afraid?" Joker asked

"I have always feared them, I thought it was about time for my enemies to fear them too" Bruce answered

"They sure do, I can tell you that" Joker said giggling a little "You know something else that I always wanted to ask? How on earth did you know the brand of my white foundation from the start? Or you just guessed?"

"Oh, I have my reliable sources" Bruce said in an overly mysterious mocking tone

"Oh come on, tell me!"

"Let's say I left your first interrogation with a significant amount of your foundation in my gloves… I collected it and found out which brand it was. If it were a rare one it could help me find out who you were, but it's in most cosmetic shops and online" He said simply "Anything else you would like to know?" he added smiling in the corner of his mouth as they sat in the grass to look at the moon

"Oh, many things… but you complain all the time your Batsuit is hot as fuck on the inside, how come it didn't warm you up that same night?" he asked truly curious to know

"It kind of works as a heat insulator and I hate that. As I run and all it gets hot inside but not enough heat goes out… and if it's cold inside, well, not much heat can enter from the outside"

"No wonder you're so grumpy when you're wearing it" Joker said provoking him

"Joker, why were you angry when you got home earlier? I didn't pay much attention but I heard some doors and you cursing around" Bruce asked after some minutes of moon contemplation

"I don't want to talk about that" Joker said right away

"Ok, but are you ok? Did something happen?"

"I hate Scarecrow so much I wish I could punch him until I break his nose, that's what happened" Joker said very angrily

"Whoa, I knew you had your differences, but didn't see this coming"

"OK, fine, I'll tell you" Joker said suddenly after a brief pause on the conversation

"It's ok, you don't have to if you don't want" Bruce said fast before the other man started talking

"Oh my God Bruce,  **this**  is one of the best things about you. You respect my fucking space! You never push me to talk about things that I don't want. No one has ever given me privacy the way you do, really. But that creep has given me hell for too long. We started working together and little after that we were… well, we were sleeping together as well…" Joker said a bit timidly, he wasn't sure if it would make Bruce jealous

"Wait, wait, wait… you and Scarecrow?" Bruce said surprised, but not looking uncomfortable with the idea Joker had an "ex"

"Well, yeah… it started out nicely but didn't take long for me to see the real him. I mean it when I say he was always observing me in a weird way… He was always making me all sorts of questions about how my memory works, what I remember from my previous life and all kinds of things you can imagine. I get it… he is a great psychologist and a biochemist, but that was pissing me off. I'm sure he would sneak through my stuff! I'm fucking sure he looked what was in my trash more than once! He wanted to experiment things on me, some substances he created. I had the constant feeling he was just waiting for me to drop dead to dissect my brain" Joker said extremely angry and filled with resent

Bruce was listening and getting revolted as well. Being someone who gives great value to privacy, he can imagine how Joker felt.

"Trust me I would be as pissed as you. I could never live like this… He really looked inside your trash?" Bruce asked

"YEAH! HE DID" Joker said furiously

"Man, what a creep… but don't worry, you don't have to see him anymore" Bruce said in a reassuring way "But… what happened today? Found him somewhere?"

Joker sighed and said "Not exactly… I went to my place to get some things the other day and found a little glass vial in a corner of my room, same type he uses to carry his experimental substances around. I remembered one night I drank too much and had no idea how I woke up in my room the next day, there was a syringe mark in my arm that day so must have been him. That was a long time ago, maybe one month before I got here. I went to his place to thank him, really, I mean… I broke a chair on him and he helped me get home. But he was the same jerk as always"

Bruce felt a familiar guilt build inside of him. He remembered how Joker was looking about one month before he brought him to the batcave. The idea he was broken in every way possible because of him was still devastating, specially after all they built together. Thinking of him sick and hurt the way he was, drinking and wandering alone in the corners of Gotham made him sad and brought back some feelings of shame that were not gone but were fading with time, like an echo slowly losing strength in his mind.

"Shouldn't have said that, at least not today… I know what you're thinking, Bruce. Didn't meant to bring it up now" Joker said hating himself for not noticing from the start that this conversation would lead them back to that time.

"It's ok, I'm the one who asked… You shouldn't have to protect me from my past self, it's not fair that I made you go through all that and still give you the feeling you have to spare me from the things I've done. But anyway, what did he say to you that made you so upset? I've never seen you slam doors like that" Bruce said to put an end in that uncomfortable subject and continue with the "my ex is a creep" topic

"He was analyzing the shit out of every inch of me, like always… But what really pissed me off was when he said I should 'reward' him for not taking advantage of me when I was drunk. He even tried to kiss me but I didn't let him. And then he started trying to figure out if I was with someone and started to wine about some old fights we had"

"I can't believe he did all this! Now  **I**  want to break his nose too!" Bruce said truly angry for Joker "Do you think he might find out about us?"

"He might suspect I'm with someone, but I don't think he would guess it's you. Also, he doesn't know you're Batman, nobody knows by the way"

They shared another moment of silence, Joker getting calmer after finally being able to say how much he was angry to somebody else.

"You went to your place again… how did you feel there?" Bruce asked

"Still makes me nervous, I've been there a couple of times… Maybe if I cleaned it or whatever it could help, but I can't stand the place for more than one hour… cleaning it and stuff would take at least a day" Joker said laying down on the grass to look at the sky better

"What if I helped you clean it? You don't have to show me where it is, we can use the Batmobile like we did before, but you put the address this time. Don't make it bad ok? I want you to continue living here with me, I just think it would be good for you… every time you talk about it you seem upset" Bruce said after laying down in the grass close to him

"Hmmm, I'll think about it… Doesn't sound like a bad idea… Wait a minute, have you ever made a heavy cleaning somewhere? Trust me, there is way more to be done than some dishes and vacuum cleaning the floor" Joker pointed out

"Hey, I wasn't such a spoiled kid that has never cleaned a toilet in my life, ok?" Bruce said sharply but still in a playful way

"Oh yeah? Have you ever cleaned a bathroom in your life?" Joker asked in a fake amazed tone

"Actually, yes! When I was eleven I was rude to a maid here at the mansion and Alfred saw it. He made me clean my bedroom and bathroom for a month. And apologize to her, obviously"

"What are waiting for, then? Gotta see your 'spoiled brat cleaning skills'! I'll show you where my place is under one simple condition"

"I'm listening" Bruce said, just waiting to hear it

"You're going to buy a white T-shirt and do the cleaning with it, I know you'll have to buy a while T-shirt because I've seen your wardrobe and apparently you're in some kind of cult that only allows black clothes"

"Fine, I can do that… but what for?"

"Wait and see, bats, wait and see" He said mysteriously

"Wow!" they said together as they saw a shooting star in the sky

"Did you make a wish?" Bruce asked

"It was so fast I didn't even think of one, did you?"

"I had mine ready in my head, think now!"

"Ok… humm… there, got one. Hey, let's go inside, you look tired"

"Ok, I have to wake up early tomorrow" he said while they were getting up

"There is no way you're going to work tomorrow, Bruce. Give yourself a break, you've been stressed and didn't feel well today. It's Wednesday, take the rest of the week off"

"I'm the CEO, I can't call sick to work"

"What!? You can call sick whenever you like  **because**  you're the CEO!"

"That's not how it works, just because no one can fire me doesn't mean I don't have responsibilities there"

"If Gotham were in danger you would take a week off for sure, give yourself priority just once, Bruce, really it's not ok to have anxiety attacks"

They went inside and after some good time of soft arguing and some indecorous promises about how they would spend their time together until the end of the week, Bruce agreed. As they were laying together under the blankets in Bruce's bedroom, he took a look at his lover sleeping right next to him. Bruce was familiar with all sorts of physical pain, sadness, and sorrow but having a mental breakdown due to anxiety was a whole different deal. He knew it could never compare to what Joker's mind does to him, even in his dreams he wouldn't have peace sometimes, but it made him understand him a little better.

Joker wasn't sleeping yet, he had his eyes closed but knew Bruce was probably looking at him. Being observed by Bruce didn't make him uncomfortable the way being observed by Scarecrow did. He always felt free to be as devilish as he wanted to other people, no guilt would weight on him, as long as it wasn't Bruce, of course. But with Bruce he felt another kind of freedom: he felt he could be as good as he wished, and he would never regret it. Even if they had a fight or anything, which sometimes they did, it would still be worth it. He never thought somebody else's well-being would be important to him, but holding his lover earlier while he cried and later that night kissing him under the moonlight made him realize that some feelings are better when shared.


	15. Chapter 15

Although Bruce went to bed feeling better that night, he couldn't manage not succumbing to melancholy on the following weeks. They spent time together, Joker and him trying their best to leave that incident with Alfred behind, but whenever Bruce was alone or not doing anything that demanded too much attention, he always looked sad. He didn't cry again, neither had new anxiety attacks, but he was doing what he always did when he wasn't ok: he was slowly isolating himself. Doesn't mean he would tell Joker to leave the manor or lock himself in his bedroom, he was gradually avoiding personal subjects when they talked, never sharing how he was feeling or what he did during the day, he was distant. Almost like he entered some sort of very efficient autopilot. He was still extremely functional, went to work, fought crime when the Batsignal was on, he was eating normally, exercising, the whole thing. Maybe to everyone, he was normal but to Joker he clearly wasn't.

Joker noticed the change on his countenance, something that someone only observing his habits wouldn't. Didn't feel like he was enjoying anything he was doing at all, and at the same time, he didn't mind attending to his conventional activities, it was all the same to him, he was numb. Sometimes when Joker entered the Manor late at night, knowing Bruce was alone for the past hours, Bruce looked like he had a glimpse of his deep feelings of sadness.

Their private life cooled down a little, Bruce would still laugh and smile when they were together, but it was less frequent. They were still being intimate, but not as often as before. This set some feelings on Joker he didn't like. First, he started hating Alfred. He was used to people hating him, but most of all he was angry because it was affecting Bruce. Joker could handle all the disapproval in the world about him coming from whoever the fuck it comes, he didn't have parents, family or friends. He had a lover but Bruce accepted him for what he was. But Bruce had more to lose, he had a father figure, maybe some friends Joker didn't know, a company, a legacy, his reputation as Bruce Wayne and Batman. Second thing Joker started to feel was loneliness. He got used to having Bruce treat him tenderly, but Bruce was so caught up in his internal pain that there was not much room for anything else. The Clown Prince of Crime was getting needy and angry, which is not only a bad combination for him to handle but also for them.

Joker was there, sitting in a chair close to a window in a random room of the Manor for the last hour. It was late, maybe three in the morning. This time, he was the one who needed space since something terrible had happened earlier that night. Batman arrived after taking care of a hostage situation in one of the finest restaurants of Gotham. It was almost a clean operation, except that one teenage girl got shot in her leg while Batman was inside. Nobody died and the criminals were sent to Gotham's jail, but when Batman arrived home he was agitated. He went to his gym and started to punch his punching bag a lot, with strength. It would always help him manage overwhelming things, he was the one who suggested Joker started doing the same and he also thought it was helpful.

Joker went to the Batcave to say hi and see if he was ok, he was following the news on TV. But when he got where Batman was, it just happened, he got triggered. And not just a small increase in his anxiety like some triggers that were almost gone would cause, he got breathless, dizzy, his heart was beating too fast, every cell in his body was screaming for him to run. He had seen Bruce practice his fighting techniques before, but never with his Batsuit on and so angrily. He could almost feel every punch the bat gave on the punching bag hit him painfully somewhere in his body because that punching bag had been him before.

He almost passed out after watching silently and in complete shock for some minutes, he wanted to reach for the closest wall to lean on it but he was frozen still there. When Batman stopped after a sequence of punches, he looked to his right and saw him there. And that certainly didn't help, because he saw Joker get pale after he started looking at him. Batman knew that look, even with his brain trying to suppress the memory of how Joker looked when he was scared to death. It took him some moments to understand why Joker was looking so disturbed, but when it sank in, he covered his mouth with his hand in realization. He removed his mask and walked closer slowly, Joker looking more anxious with each step.

"Hey… It's me… I didn't see you there, try to calm down ok?" Bruce said in a low tone

He got closer to Joker and he was shaking. Bruce was afraid he would pass out at any moment so he made him sit on the floor, broken hearted to see Joker got even more anxious when he touched him.

"Leave me alone, Batman" Joker managed to say sharply, but a bit weakly

"No way, you're shaking, I've never seen you like this" Bruce answered

"NO? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! NOW STAY AWAY FROM ME" Joker yelled, still in shock. He wasn't crying but he was sobbing a little

Bruce gathered some courage he had left to answer him.

"I don't want you to leave you alone in here like this" He said, almost crying

"You already have, you're never around anymore, just leave me alone" Joker answered without yelling but sounding very hurt

"You know what, fine" Bruce answered dryly, making his way out the Batcave, completely losing his patience for all this

Joker just stayed there for some time, completely freaked out, his mind a merciless hurricane. To his own luck, it consumed so much of his energy that it didn't last too long. The next thing he remembers was waking up in the cold floor, still exhausted, but closer to normal. His head was hurting on the left side, probably because he didn't lay down to sleep, but because he passed out, like Batman predicted. He was cold and still confused but with clear memories of what happened. He got up and made his way upstairs, he didn't want to be at the Manor but it was better than going to his place and having another mental breakdown there. The Batcave was cold and he was so desperate to warm up he took a very hot shower. Later he put on something comfortable he had in his room and tried to find a place to sit quietly for some time, someplace Bruce wouldn't find without searching.

Bruce was in his bedroom since he got upstairs. As soon as he closed the door behind him he felt guilty for leaving Joker there, although he somehow believed his presence wouldn't help. He was feeling the worse person on earth. He didn't mean to make Joker feel lonely, he wanted to protect him from his sadness and problems. He was broken hearted to see his lover afraid of his touch again. He felt guilty for all of it, maybe if he weren't so cold to Joker recently he wouldn't have been so badly triggered. He went to the kitchen to get some water and think if he should talk to him right away. But what made him make up his mind was when he opened the freezer to get ice and saw the ice mols were almost empty. Bruce didn't use any for a long time and he knew too well what Joker used them for. It was a clear sign he was struggling with his self-harm issues but didn't say anything to him.

He searched for him a little after seeing he wasn't in his room, but knowing he was upstairs, he heard the shower and some doors. When he found him staring to the darkness outside the window while sitting in a chair, Bruce was terrified of not knowing what to say. He knocked on the open door softly to catch his attention.

"Joker… I… I don't even know where to begin… are you ok?" He said standing under the door.

"I didn't mean to say those things, really, that's not…" Joker tried to say, finally looking at Bruce in the end, but also clueless on what could make things right. "I don't want you to leave me… In fact, I've missed you… I know you're sad, Bruce… I get it, but stop cutting me off all the time" He said, knowing it was not the best selection of words he could have made

"That was one of the most painful things you ever said to me, I'm sorry for leaving you there alone, I just couldn't handle it. But that's not your fault, you got triggered and I didn't even see it. I should have known you would come to see me when I arrived"

"It's not your fault, really… I didn't even say I was here, I couldn't say anything after I saw you there… I've seen you punching that thing billions of times and it was ok, no way you could have known" Joker tried to comfort him and it was true, he wouldn't know that would be a trigger himself. "I'm sorry I said all that, it's not how I feel about you anymore, I mean it"

"Joker, can I get closer?" Bruce asked, anxious to know if they went back to how they were months ago

"Yes, Bruce… you can" Joker answered, making Bruce look a bit less desolated

He got closer and Joker asked him to help him stand from the chair. It was obvious it was on purpose, Joker wanted to show he was ok with the idea, just the way he was before being triggered.

"J, it really broke my heart to see you like that and listen to what you said, but if you're telling me you didn't mean it, I'll believe it. So… did you mean it? All of it?" Bruce asked

Joker sighed and said "Look… I've been feeling lonely in here, even when you're with me you seem distant. I don't want you to cut me off, even if you're sad or angry. So yeah… I actually meant it when I said you're not around, but didn't mean to say it like that… And about the other part… I'm just sorry you heard it. No, I didn't mean it. I'm hating myself a lot for making you feel guilty again… You're very hard on yourself about it and I know it. I just think that whenever it happens my mind goes back to where it was when I first woke up in the Batcave and that's a nightmare for me"

"And I hate to put you back in that nightmare too, believe me…" Bruce said while placing his hands on Joker's shoulders slowly. "Is this ok? I don't want to push it, but is it ok?" Bruce asked afraid of the answer.

Joker gave him a weak smile back and got a bit closer to put one arm around him. "Yes… it's ok. Don't worry, I'm back in the present now. Just don't leave me alone on it, come back to it too"

Things started to get better again after that night, sometimes the night is darker before dawn. The thing about trauma, forgiveness and getting over those things is that it is never linear. Things get better, sometimes they get ugly and then better again. It's a mess, but one bad night can't speak for all they built together, even if times were hard lately. They were constantly making the choice of getting over things together and even knowing that was a tortuous path sometimes, that was the one they were willing to take.

Joker had always been the impatient type, so he decided to do something different for Bruce this time. Both because he thought they needed a little breeze to increase their flames and also because he thought it could be fun. He waited a couple of weeks just make sure he wasn't pushing anything before time.

Bruce was listening to music with his expensive headphones while sketching a couple of things in a piece of paper in the dining room. Joker was ready to see some drawings related to his Batsuit but instead,d Bruce was just sketching a view of the dining room from his perspective. Joker sat in the chair close to him and Bruce took off the headphones to listen to him.

"That looks nice, didn't know you could draw. I mean, I saw you draw differently before like a project type of drawing" Joker said in a friendly way

"I know some technical drawing things, it's very helpful to show Lucious what I want. I'm just trying to learn some perspective, never been good at it" Bruce answered looking at his drawing

"You don't think that's good? That's 'cause you haven't seen me trying to draw" Joker said giggling

"Draw something! I want to see it!"

"Nah, I used to draw a little in Arkham and my drawings freaked people out. Heard at least two psychologists say they were disturbing" Joker said as if he was proud of it "Anyway, you don't have plans for the rest of the afternoon, right?"

"No I don't, anything in mind?" Bruce said a bit distracted while adding some lines to his sketch

"Actually, yes. It's something we haven't done before, but you're gonna have to trust me on this one"

"Really, what is it?" Bruce asked curious

"I'm taking you out on a date, how about that?" Joker said confident

"Wow, wait… you mean, out there? In public? You and I?" Bruce asked surprised, a bit apprehensive but also excited with the idea

"That's the part in which you have to trust me, I thought about everything. Oh, the things I do for you… you made me  ** _plan_**  things" Joker said dramatically

"Alright, I'm listening to your plan"

"I'll tell you what to do when it's necessary. For now, you can go upstairs take a shower and get dressed. The clothes I picked for you are on your bed. It's not one of your fancy-ass places but I think you'll like what I planed"

Bruce went upstairs to his room and got ready, it was weird not to be in charge, not being the one who planned everything. But he trusted Joker, he was out all the time and never got caught, he must be good at blending in with the crowd when he wants. That's something Bruce wasn't so good at, people knew who he was everywhere he went, he was curious to know how Joker would make him go undercover.

The clothes Joker chose were slightly dressed up, but still kind of casual. He picked from Bruce's existing wardrobe. No sunglasses or hats or anything like a disguise. When Bruce knocked Joker's door the surprises begun. Bruce knew it was Joker, it had to be, but he looked different. First, his posture was different, as Bruce got closer he noticed he looked taller. Joker was actually a bit taller than him, but he could never tell because he was always a bit curved. He was wearing a dark-brown wig, almost black and of excellent quality, it really looked like it was his natural hair. He had contact lenses on, they were blue, also very good ones. And he also did something to his skin, he used some foundation to change the tone. He was white, but not a European white like the look he came out with. He even applied it in his neck and his visible skin in his hand and wrists.

"Hello, Bruce" he said smiling a little, but not with his conventional voice. It was his voice, but another tone he hardly used. Sounded "normal", like most people would talk, not his unique pitch.

"Wow" he answered thoughtlessly after hearing Joker's voice "I get it now why no one ever recognizes you. I'm really impressed"

"I don't do this every day, usually the wig and another touch you'll see does the trick"  
"Is that how you hide your scars? Don't people know it's you anyway?"

"Wait and see, but there is a reason why I marked people's faces in Gotham. I can go out and show them, is common knowledge I did that to some people. It's hard to find these people online, they protect their identity, but there is a guy I remember well that has dark hair and very pale skin"

"Not that I support you cutting people's faces around, but I have to admit… this is brilliant" Bruce said amazed by how ingenious Joker could be.

"Let's go, first thing we're going to do is going to the movies. You are checking the sessions for that thriller on the internet for two weeks"

"Don't you think people will notice it's me when we arrive with one of my cars?" Bruce asked

"That's why we're taking the subway, I bet you never used it before. There is a line that can take us really close to where we're going"  
They walked to the front gates of the mansion and before they left, Joker put on a chirurgical mask on. It wasn't even white as the conventional ones, it was a bit closer to his fake skin color. As they walked to the subway, Bruce noticed some people would look at Joker, some would even stare but no one recognized him. Bruce was sure maybe a couple of people recognized him, but no one said anything.

After entering the subway Bruce was just looking around, it was true, he never used it before and that made him feel really out of place. He didn't know where to buy tickets or where the platforms were or where they lead. Joker said he bought tickets previously and they needed to wait for a couple of minutes. After entering the train, they sat down in one of the last seats.

"You're doing well, Bruce. Just try not to search for people's looks, you're observing where people are looking, catches attention because people find it suspicious. Pretend you do this every day. People know your face, but I doubt the ones you talk to every day come here and use the subway, they don't come to this part of town and don't eat or do anything in the places we're going"

Bruce never gave it a thought before to the fact that Gotham had places he'd never been, even as Batman. His life as Bruce Wayne was also very restricted, he always thought he didn't want to see the same people over and over again, but never went to the trouble of going to different restaurants and shopping malls for example. And once again, Joker was right, he couldn't imagine those rich businessmen having lunch too far away from work or in simple places, it was always fancy and expensive. Made him wonder when did he establish he couldn't go to other places and talk to different people.

"Some people stared at you, don't you get bothered or nervous?" Bruce asked

"When we get to the neighborhood we're going people will stop staring for sure. In here they do that a lot but I don't care too much. It's even good, some people refuse to stay close to me in public transportation or to get closer in closed places. Once a guy tried to take pictures of me twice, he wasn't very discrete. It's weird because guys get more freaked out than woman. They think I have something lethal or whatever since this is not a thing we do in our culture, but many women sat by my side in the subway and on buses when they had the choice to sit close to other people"

"I could never build the nerve to do this, really. I just realized I'm not comfortable with people staring at me"

"Neither am I, but now I just don't care. You should try it one day, you care too much for what people think of you and if people like you or not, it could help you get prepared for some ugly looks. People are always giving some quick smiles to each other, I've noticed… Like after ordering things in restaurants and to strangers they will never see again just to look friendly, but when no one can see your expression under the mask you don't have to do that. Try to hold your impulse to smile back when a friendly stranger smiles at you, it's not that easy for most people, specially if the stranger is attractive to them. You can be whoever you want at night, dealing with people outside those circumstances is different, I suppose"

"Yeah… I never thought about that before. People consider me a serious person, I often don't smile back, but yes, it's hard to hold that impulse sometimes. I mean, I like when people are nice or at least polite to each other, but I get your point, it's kind of an automatic answer to smile back, it's weird to do that when I had a bad day and don't want to smile at all. Feels even worse to conceal you're not in the mood but still doing it anyway just to avoid uncomfortable situations. Ok, I just got to ask, what did you do to the guy that tried taking pictures of you? Is he alright?" Bruce asked curious but a bit uneasy, Joker is a dangerous person when he gets irritated

"He is ok, I just stole his camera later. And his wallet. And his car keys. Still have his credit card number and documents, might come in handy one day. Oh, and I sole the car to some people who needed a random car to do whatever, can't even remember, probably a robbery, but not a kidnapping" He answered giggling a little "Hey, let's go it's the next station" he said getting up

While they walked around the station Bruce understood why Joker was so sure people would stop staring at him. It was a station close to the Japanese neighborhood they had in Gotham. Many Chinese and Koreans would live there too, but it was mostly people with Japanese background. They use surgical masks in crowded places to avoid catching something from others and also when they are sick and don't want other people to get anything from them.

As they walked to the movie theater Bruce was looking around a lot, it was so different there! Hardly looked like he was in Gotham. It wasn't a big neighborhood but they had many small stores and restaurants. When they were waiting for the movie to start in the dark, Bruce dared to remove Joker's mask a little to kiss him and needless to say, Joker kissed him back passionately.

"So, did the movie meet your expectations?" Joker asked with the voice he had been using ever since they left the Manor while they were walking in the street outside the movie theater

"I liked it a lot, not a huge fan to the ending but it was nice. Thanks for bringing me here J, it was really nice to be outside with you" Bruce said while holding Joker's hand for a moment, not minding if people would look at them

"I'm glad you liked it, but I still have a couple of things planned. You hungry?"

"Yes, where are we going now?"

"There is a place I like around here, we can be there in ten minutes walking"

It was dark outside while they went to the restaurant, they passed some stores and one in particular caught Bruce's attention. Joker said they could enter to look around, but that he should pay attention in case it was a Chinese store. For the Chinese, it's really rude to enter and not buying anything. It was mostly a bookstore but it also sold some brushes, ink and some tools for drawing. A young guy was practicing kanji with a thin brush in the corner of the store, probably from the family of the owner. Bruce was paying for a book he liked about martial arts, he was always looking for new styles and Joker gave him a small envelope when Bruce turned around. He opened and it was a bookmark with a kanji written on it but he couldn't understand the meaning. It also had a little green fabric attached to it in the upper part.

"Thought you could use something to mark where you stopped reading" Joker said

"Oh, J… thank you! What does it mean?" he asked

"Means 'thank you for the perfume' in Japanese" Joker answered

Bruce missed a heartbeat when he heard that and a second after it, his heart started to beat faster. He didn't care about anything else at that moment, he just hugged him and thanked him.

When they arrived at the restaurant, Joker talked to a woman that worked there before they entered. It was still weird to hear Joker talking like that and standing in a posture that made him look taller than him. Bruce noticed the Japanese woman knew Joker since he called her by her name, or maybe that was her last name, Bruce couldn't tell. She took them to a place in the restaurant that was more private. It was a corridor with five rooms. The rooms were divided by thin walls and to enter there they used curtains and not doors, it was beautiful. The entrance and where most customers were eating was nice, but this part was cozier. There were people in the first room behind the curtains and inside it was illuminated by candles, so Bruce and Joker could only see their silhouettes. They chose the table available in the end of the corridor.

"Please remove your shoes before entering. I'll be serving you two tonight. I'll come back in a moment with tea and tonight's menu" She said with a recognizable Japanese accent but very clearly

"They are very traditional, I thought you could like it, I come here a lot and you know I can be picky for food" Joker said

"I loved the place! It's beautiful and while we got here I saw at least five dishes people were eating that looked delicious"

"It's always better to eat the hot meals here but if you like something cold they can prepare it for us to take home and eat tomorrow, I've done that before"

Joker suggested him some hot dishes he liked and they agreed to share a couple of things they wanted to taste from the menu that looked exotic. The Japanese woman came back with their tea and took note of what they wanted. Bruce noticed Joker removed his mask after they sat on the tatami floor, each one in one side of the low table set but didn't bother to put it back when she arrived. He even used his normal voice with her once they were in the private part of the restaurant.

"You know her, J?" Bruce asked curious

"She is the daughter of the owner and her mother has a store in the end of the street. I made him some favors in the past, before he had this place. Helped him and his family so he told me I can come here and eat whenever I want. He, his wife and daughter know who I am. The wife and daughter didn't like me much at first, but I never cause them problems, and honestly with the food they have here I don't know what could be worth the trouble"

"Can you tell me what kind of favor?" Bruce asked, still curious

"When he moved to Gotham and a gang started to threaten him and his family here in the neighborhood. I also had my problems with them, so I took care of it. I also killed a man from the gang that was always observing his daughter. He gave me information about them and I did what I had to do, but this man I killed simply because he asked me to. He said he would return the favor one day so I took his word"

"It's so interesting to hear more from your life, J. It's always a surprise. I just don't ask much to give you some space, but you can tell me. You know so much about me by now. But wait, why didn't his daughter like you in the beginning? You killed that man because of her"

"Her father didn't tell her about what I did, she also wasn't so aware of how much in danger she was back then. When they opened the place three years later she said her father had told her all the story. Now she is always the one who serves me here so I don't have to worry about being caught"

Their night continued nicely, the food was excellent and would make any anime fan pleased since food looks so delicious in every single manga and anime ever published. They laughed and talked a lot. Joker laughed for five minutes straight when Bruce ate a lot of wasabi thinking it was something else and got desperate to drink anything that would make his mouth stop burning. By the end of the meal they also had finished a bottle of sake and it made them pretty light headed. Joker sat by Bruce's side after they finished eating, just to kiss him with that drunken passion they were feeling.

"Hey, wait until we get home you perv, this is a family place" Joker said amused after Bruce touched him between his legs while they were in a particularly long kiss

"Sorry, you know how I get when I drink, can't help it"

"Oh I think I haven't seen you drunk more than four times, but yeah, I should start adding sake to your drinks without your notice" Joker said maliciously

"Like that is hardly necessary, you know I'm crazy for you. It's not even fun, it's way too obvious" Bruce said blushing a little from the drinks and his statement "J, thank you so much for all this. It was wonderful, really, I loved every second of it"

"I wanted to do this for a while, it's good to see you smiling again. Let's go now, ok? We have time but if we stay for too long the subway will close" Joker answered

They looked at each other for a moment. The candlelight gave a mysterious and romantic touch to everything, including their expressions. Joker couldn't remember a moment in which Bruce looked so handsome to him and Bruce's gaze was so intense that gave Joker the feeling he could see his soul. They kissed briefly one last time and walked to the subway. Joker eventually couldn't resist and dragged Bruce for a quick stop between two closed stores just to make out a little. Wasn't his fault if Bruce got him in the mood in the restaurant and if drinking also gave him some interesting ideas of how he wanted to spend the rest of their night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! It took me a while but here it is ^^ Thank you very much for reading!  
> Fun fact: I actually did this little experiment of using a surgical mask in a crowded bus station some weeks ago. We never use them in my country, it's very atypical. Showed me I wasn't as prepared as I thought for unpleasant looks and yes, a guy actually tried to take a picture of me. Twice. Without my permission. Which I found creepy since I'm a girl. Many people refused to stay close to me as well. Amazing the discomfort a little disposable mask can cause to everyone around me and also to myself.  
> There will be slash in the next chapter, so stick around ;) See you!


	16. Chapter 16

"Bruce, I'm not sure about this…" Joker said timidly as Bruce helped him put some boxing white bandages on his left hand, his right hand having them all set up already

"I think this might help you overcome this fear you have of me when I'm angry or practicing. Don't worry, I won't hurt you, I'll mostly just try to block you… and I'll tell you if you hit me painfully… and if you get triggered or anything I'll stand by you ok? I promise. Now let's just give it a try!" Bruce said confident, trying to cheer Joker up a little

They had talked more openly about what happened last time, Joker being honest for the first time about feeling intimidated when Bruce was angry, even outside the gym and without his Batsuit. It made Bruce upset it took him so long to get that out his chest, but he understood it was not an easy confession.

After that Bruce started to suggest they practiced together a little, sometimes you have to fly before you walk, according to him. It was the first time Joker agreed to put some boxing gloves on and try to fight Bruce in a sportive way. Joker was afraid to get triggered like last time and also, deep down, neither of them wanted to hurt each other for real.

"Here, try these ones, I think you'll like them… They are good to protect your wrists… and they don't stink as much as the ones I'm gonna wear… yeah, I should wash those… one day" Bruce said trying to make Joker a bit less nervous

When they were both with their boxing gloves on, Bruce noticed Joker was looking anxious to the bone, so instead of pushing him to start he got closer and gave him a kiss without saying anything. As they kissed Bruce's gloved hands touched Joker's back, massaging him a little, it soon became a very involving kiss.

"If you want more, you'll have to fight for it" Bruce said after he broke the kiss abruptly, winking at him and getting in position to start

Joker laughed briefly and said "Oh I think that's the motivation I needed after all", his aura changing from a darkening haze to a bright spark of competitiveness and determination on his eyes

Bruce told him to begin when he wanted and after Joker studied him for some moments, he tried to give him his first punch. Bruce dodged easily and made no mention to punch back.

"Nice! Try again" Bruce said, encouraging him to continue and making a mental note not to forget he had to take it easy on him. His reflexes were highly trained to fight back, it was hard to control that impulse.

Joker seemed to remember who he was fighting against but didn't give up. He moved around for a short while and tried again and again. On his fifth try, he actually hit Bruce, who blocked him with his arm.

"Good! That's it, J! I bet you can do that again" Bruce said, still in an encouraging way

Joker was starting to get tired after some time so Bruce said he would stop dodging completely and start responding to his punches, a bit of close combat could be good for them. He let Joker get closer and soon he gave him a fast punch in his ribs, making Bruce frown painfully.

"Bruce! Sorry!" Joker said widening his eyes

"It's fine, don't worry! I let my guard down and you saw it! You're doing well!" Bruce said feeling his ribs hurt more than he anticipated. The punch was good, but most of the pain came from another punch someone gave him three days ago with brass knuckles. Clear sigh he should learn how to protect that area better, he thought to himself. Still, he said nothing to Joker about it, he could handle it.

As they got more comfortable with the proximity, they started to leave some of their fear of hurting each other behind and things got a bit more interesting. Bruce eventually hit Joker with a very light punch, mostly to indicate where Joker was vulnerable during the fight, he barely put strength on it. Joker got scared, it was visible on his eyes, but Bruce told him to focus and continue and so he did. Their combat started to get faster and it was fun while it lasted. Bruce said it was enough when he saw Joker's shirt was pretty wet from sweat, he knew it wasn't because it was too much for him physically, his health was good now, he was sweating because he was nervous.

They sat together on a metal bench Bruce had in the gym after he gave Joker a towel.

"Here, drink some" Bruce said offering some cold water from a bottle

"Thanks" he answered feeling his heart was still accelerated

"How are you feeling? I think you did great! Way better than I expected" Bruce said while touching Joker's shoulder, smiling a little

"Do you think so? If it were for real I would be fucked, you hit me a thousand times more than I hit you. But don't worry, it didn't hurt, I'm ok" he said before drinking more water

Bruce looked away for a moment, smiling to nowhere, which made Joker ask him what that was about.

"J, hasn't even been a month since you passed out in this floor after what happened and today you were able to fight against me. I'm surprised you hit me at all, I train all the time, for years! It's ok to be nervous, I don't think I could have done better in your place. What you just did requires a great deal of strength and courage. I'm… I'm actually very proud of you" Bruce said looking into Joker's eyes, who was caught by surprise by his works

"Wow, really… I think this might be the nicest thing you ever said to me. I always think I make very small progress considering the time I'm trying to get over things. It's just really good to hear that" he said in a grateful way

"You shouldn't feel like this at all, you're not dealing with simple things. You could have taken years to be where you are now and it would still be considered good progress. You're a better fighter than I'll ever be"

"Well, I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't have a good reason to fight for" Joker said getting closer to kiss Bruce

Bruce thought it would be just a kiss, they had sex the night before and maybe Joker wouldn't be in the mood after being exposed to stress, right? Well, no. Apparently, Joker had all this adrenaline rushing in his body and he wanted to make good use of it before it wore off. Bruce didn't complain when Joker started to touch him under his shirt in a needy way or when Joker kissed his neck close to his collarbone, making a shiver spread across his back and make him moan.

"You're so easy to convince, Bruce, or maybe you're just a perv. I like it either way" Joker whispered in his ear while he started stroking Bruce over his clothes, not taking long before he was hard and biting his lips with the pleasure coming com each touch.

"Not my fault if you do me so well, I just can't resist" Bruce whispered in Joker's ear, taking his hand away from his erected member to start teasing him as well.

Bruce noticed Joker was staring at his erection under his clothes as he made him lay on the bench and got on the top of him. Joker started scratching Bruce's back and grab his ass strongly while the man on the top of him would kiss him all over and rub their hard members together. Joker started to do something that resembled a slap on Bruce's ass, he never did that before, he seemed a bit shy about it, even with Bruce responding nicely to it.

"Do it… slap me, don't be sweet, I wanna feel it" Bruce said to Joker's ear, sounding extremely turned on, it was almost a moan, almost like he was begging for it

"Where… In here?" Joker asked filled with malice after he grabbed Bruce's shorts, making them rub between Bruce's butt and squeezing his cock and balls tighter against him. His skin was exposed now, all his junk feeling the fabrics as they moved against each other

"Yeah, hit me… Just… Do it" he said in a drunken way, he was starting to think he could come undone like this, the friction was already too much

Joker slapped him hard. The noise turning them on even more.

"Ahhhhhh" Bruce moaned loudly, it was painful, but the good kind of pain. The kind of pain that sets all his senses up, the kind of pain that makes him feel like begging for more.

"So you  **like**  some pain" Joker said before licking Bruce's neck and pulling his hair strongly. "Wouldn't it be a  **pity**  if I decided not to give it to you?" He teased in a devilish way

"Do it again, please!" Bruce begged

"How about a little trade, Brucie? I'll hit you more if you let me fuck this ass of yours the way I want  **and**  if you obey me until I come, hun? Sounds fair to you?"

"Yes, I'll do anything you want. Just do it again" Bruce said before kissing his partner in a needy way

Joker hit him a good amount of times. Every time the sound filled the gym, a moan coming from Bruce would follow and echo inside. Bruce asked for more and more, it was actually surprising he didn't came for the way he sounded. He asked Joker to stop when he reached the boundary between a pain that turns him on and a pain that just hurts. Joker caressed Bruce's red skin after he stopped and kissed him roughly afterwards. It was his turn now.

He undressed them both and sat on the beach, his hard member giving Bruce ideas he would have to leave for another day since he traded his voice on how he wanted to be fucked for some good slaps. Hell, it was worth it.

"Get ready, you'll suck me until I say it's enough and you know me too well by now" Joker said holding Bruce's chin as he kneeled down between his legs.

Bruce had become quite good at this. He knew Joker was crazy for it and now he wasn't going to feel sorry for him if he got tired. Bruce was sort of curious to know how long it would be "enough" for Joker. He started sucking without teasing him, Joker liked it to be direct at first and lots of tongue movements before Bruce deep throated him. Joker seemed to be getting close to his climax, so he told Bruce to stop, kiss him and start again. He asked for it multiple times, each time being able to hold back less and less.

"Alright, I can see you're taking our trade seriously. Good. Now get some lube in the locker and sit in my lap facing me, I'll prepare you for the rest of it"

Joker had his legs a bit spread and Bruce sat on his lap, leaving a gap between them that Joker used to access his butthole. Bruce learned to relax his muscles more and became more tolerant to pain back there, so preparation wasn't so time-taking as in the beginning. Bruce was starting to ride Joker's fingers inside him, getting some of his initial arousal back. Joker stroked him with a strong grip and gave a slap on the side he didn't hit before. Joker considered sucking Bruce but he didn't want to leave that position. So he kissed and bit his neck as Bruce moved his butt trying to get the fingers to hit him in the right spot. Joker made his way to Bruce's nipples and licked them with the tip of his tongue, making the man on his lap gasp in pleasure.

"You sit in my cock now and you better ride me the same way you were just doing with my fingers" Joker hissed as he gave Bruce a last good grab and slap on his ass

Bruce turned around to sit on Joker's cock slowly. Joker grabbing his hair again as he got closer to sit on him.

"Oh fuck!" He moaned when he felt Joker's tip inside, only moments before Joker's whole cock was in.

They waited a moment for Bruce to adapt to the intrusion, with Joker stroking him in a delicious way and holding his neck with some strength. Bruce felt trapped by Joker, he had his cock inside him, Joker's arms around his body putting pressure in the right places. The idea every move he made would get Joker to come inside him was too good for his cum fetish.

"Move your hips" Joker ordered biting Bruce's neck from behind

Bruce started moving, not taking much in and out but moving around a lot. He could feel Joker was in pure ecstasy for the way his cock was hard inside him and the way he moved and moaned under him.

"Fuck, you're so tight today… Ohhhh, yeah… keep doing that" Joker said as he had one of his hands on Bruce's jaw and another still stroking him.

Bruce felt Joker's rhythm accelerate, he was getting desperate to come, Bruce could feel how difficult it was for Joker to continue stroking him as he buried himself deeper and deeper. He contracted his hole as much as he could to make Joker come and give him what he wanted, eventually putting Joker's fingers on his lips to lick and suck them a little.

"Ahhh Bruce, I'm coming… Fuck!" He said loudly as he filled Bruce's hole with his cum. Each of the three thrusts making Bruce's balls squeeze against Joker's.

As soon as Bruce felt the hot cum in his ass didn't take him more than a couple of Joker's strokes to find his release too.

"Oh Joker, don't stop moving… ahh…ahhhh" Bruce moaned while coming in his partner's hand and making it drip to the floor.

They said nothing for some moments, Joker's hand still on Bruce's cock, his cock still buried inside his partner. They were panting silently, processing everything. Joker released Bruce's cock from his grasp and gave him a soft kiss in the back of his neck.

"Get up slowly, I'll help you" Joker said

Bruce accepted the help and went to the bathroom, Joker giving him some privacy but noticing his skin was still very red from before. When he returned he sat close to him again.

"Today was quite something don't you think?" Bruce said finally

"I really liked it too, still catching my breath! I didn't know you liked pain during sex, I imagined you would like a slap or two like most people, but that face you made… Wasn't expecting it" Joker answered

"To be honest, no one ever did something like this to me before, I would always be the one who slapped, pulled hair and gets to be more dominant. But I feel different with you, I feel I can be both. I feel comfortable with you telling me what to do and how you want things, somehow it turns me on to know I'm pleasing you the right way, to let you be in charge"

"I know what you're talking about, I like this feeling too. I think I'm all about the mood, you know. Some days I want to be more dominant, some days I want to be more submissive. Even with me doing the fucking you still manage to be more dominant sometimes and I like that. But anyway, is it hurting? Your skin looks pretty red I think you might get a bit bruised. I continued because you told me to, but maybe you should stop earlier next time. Sometimes it's hard to trust your senses when you're receiving pain, you might get hurt and only find out later because it feels good during the whole thing"

"It's funny because I know that, I was even the one to give this advice sometimes. But I just forgot about it when it was me, I guess I was too much into it to remember. It's hurting a little, but it's ok, it's not your fault. I'll be more careful next time but it's no big deal" Bruce said touching Joker's thigh

Joker felt Bruce needed him to show some affection, he wasn't used to be this submissive and he looked like he could use some aftercare. Even if he wouldn't admit it.

"Hey, come over here" Joker said pulling him closer to hug him. "It's cold down here, how about we warm up in that bathtub from the suite on the third floor?" Joker offered

"Oh but that's in the other side of the Manor" Bruce said grumpily

"Ohh poor Bruce Wayne gets tired walking around his own house, come on we never use it!"

"Ok, but you get the towels and stuff for it alright? I don't have patience for that"

"Fine, fine. Now let's go I'm freezing in here" Joker said getting up and taking Bruce's hand to go back upstairs.

After some warmth coming from the hot water, kisses and a little massage in his bruised skin, Bruce stopped having those puppy eyes he had after sex. They had a great time in their two rounds at the gym today and hopefully, they could always go back for more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear slash lovers! I had a different slash scene planned for this chapter, but I felt like writing this one instead. So the scene I had planned will be on the next chapter ;) Yep, two slash scenes in a row because, well, why not? Stick around for more!


	17. Chapter 17

"Everything you need in your backpack?" Joker asked before putting a black chirurgical mask on

"Yes, you went through the trouble of buying everything and leaving it there for us, so I guess that's it" Bruce answered

"Good, let's go" Joker said getting his keys from his pocket

"Are you sure you don't want to go with the Batmobile? We can leave it some blocks away from your place and you can guide me there" Bruce asked

"Look, I appreciate how concerned you are about not pushing me to show you where my place is. But you know I wouldn't show you if I didn't want to"

"Ok, I just wanted to make sure you didn't change your mind. Maybe I have a clue where it is… I've spent nights trying to find your hideouts before, I'm curious to know if I got it right" Bruce said

"I'm always in different places and I have meetings with the people that work for me in secret places all around Gotham. You probably figured out where some of my old hideouts were, no doubt about that... But the place we're going is different. That's the only place I've kept over the years and no one knows about it besides you, me and Scarecrow. So as much as you love to keep data and stuff, the only thing I ask of you is to keep this information in your head. Don't write it down on paper or on your computer, never mention to anyone, as far as you know it doesn't exist. If anyone finds out I'm done" Joker said seriously

"I won't let you down, I promise. You've kept all my secrets so well and I'll do the same for you. You can trust me with anything, ok? I get it how important it is to have this one secret place that no one can invade, that no one can harm you when you're inside, to give yourself a break and feel safe" Bruce said

"Exactly. I don't have any traps there, no poisonous gas, no voice recognition, no double locks, passwords, cameras, dogs, nothing. It's just a simple small apartment. I'm not sure… I think I used to live there before… well, before I became who I am. Maybe when I was growing up, maybe as a grown man. I can't be sure. When I started to make money with crime I bought it. Maybe if you look up who rented before you can find my old name there, but I never looked up myself. This is as far as I went, as far as I want to remember for now. And I want this to be your limit too"

"I understand, Joker. I have no right on searching such things without your consent and I won't. It's not my place. You also never pushed me to share something I didn't want and you know I have many touchy topics. But… how about Scarecrow? Do you think he kept his word?" Bruce asked carefully

"I never told him the story behind that place. I just said I was staying there for a while when we were together. If I tell him I moved again he'll believe it" Joker said looking upset with the topic. He hated to remember he trusted Scarecrow once, made him feel stupid.

"Hey, cheer up a little! We're about to spend the whole day cleaning and if someone stares at you in the subway I'll let you steal something from them" Bruce joked, just to see Joker happier

"Oh you're  **so**  going to regret saying that! I don't steal wallets in public transportation for such a long time, how nostalgic" Joker said laughing in the end

This time they used different lines in the subway. It wasn't as straightforward as going to the Japanese neighborhood, they changed trains at least three times. Bruce noticed Joker was way more alert to his surroundings, making sure nothing suspicious was going on unnoticed. That only made Bruce understand how important the secrecy of this place was for Joker. He meant all he said.

"Next stop. Follow me, don't talk to anyone, don't look around too much, it's best if we get there quickly. Don't act like we're together. You're handsome, people look, and I'm wearing this. It's enough attention" Joker said quietly after a completely silent trip

"Ok" Bruce said not recognizing Joker for a moment. Almost sounded like he was listening to himself give people orders and that's absurd coming from Joker

They walked for about 15 minutes and entered an alley. It was still early in the morning on a weekend, so not much people around in the streets.

"See the fire escape? Fourth floor. You go up first" Joker instructed

Bruce didn't even have time to take a better look at the entrance of the building. It was located near the end of a street. It wasn't a very good neighborhood, seemed dangerous. Many buildings were abandoned. It wasn't a slum, Gotham had worse neighborhoods than that for sure, but it also wasn't a middle-class neighborhood either. Probably the type people didn't starve to death but that had serious problems with criminality, drugs, violence, and people always being late on their rent.

"Any neighbors I should know?" Bruce asked while Joker unlocked a door to let them inside the building from the fire escape

"No. I pulled some strings to fake some documentation about the building being dangerous due to gas leaks after I bought the apartment. No one lives here"

"Don't people think it's weird when they see the lights on?" Bruce asked

"My place is on the other side, people don't see it well from the street. No one comes around here too much, anyway"

Once in the corridor, Joker put his key on the key-hole and stared at the door for a moment before turning it around to open it. The place made him nervous.

As they entered Joker said Bruce could look around. The place had a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom and a small space attached to the kitchen where he had a washing machine and cleaning products. All rooms were kind of small. It would be ok for one, maybe two people living there at the most.

It was clear Joker didn't take care of the place in a long, long time. There was a heavy layer of dust everywhere, broken glass from different bottles on the floor, lots of crushed beer cans, but the worst was in his bedroom and bathroom. There were blood stains on the floor and some toilet paper with dry blood close to them. Bruce found those close to his bed and in some corners of the room. The bathroom was more concerning since Bruce found four razors on the floor just by opening the door, it also had more blood stains. They looked rather gory making the contrast between their shades of red and brown against the dirty beige walls. No wonder Joker had a hard time coming here. Bruce found the place unsettling and that wasn't even his blood on the floor and walls.

"I wanted to pick them up from the floor before you came here…" Joker started behind Bruce while he stood close to the bathroom door

"Don't apologize for that, I was aware I could see something like this when I offered to help. We'll clean together but leave the bathroom to me. I don't think cleaning it will do you any good" Bruce said while looking inside the bathroom. He turned around to look at Joker. "Looking at your place like this just makes me think off…"

"No, stop. Remember our agreement? No more beating ourselves up mentally anymore. That's in the past. Let's get started, I'm actually looking forward to see it done" Joker said in a reassuring way

"To be honest, so am I. Cleaning is boring but I like to organize things and see the final result"

"No shit! The only reason why you don't organize our wardrobe by color it's because there is only black there!" Joker said laughing

"Hey, I'm wearing the white T-shirt you asked! Why should I bother if you don't notice my effort in wearing other colors?" Bruce said trying to sound overly offended

"Don't worry, I'm sure Satan will forgive you for the white T-shirt, or whoever you guys worship in your cult" Joker said giving a little pat on Bruce's shoulder before getting the stuff he bought for the cleaning

They started with the basics like sweeping the floor and filling plastic bags with the trash. They left curtains and blankets in the washing machine meanwhile. It was also a dryer so they didn't have to bother hanging them. They took shifts using the vacuum cleaner and cleaning the dust from every surface. Joker had a bookshelf with some items and he had to remove all of them from the shelves to clean better. Bruce made a point out off dragging the couch, fridge, stove, and bed away from their places to clean under them. Before they started using water to scrub the floor with soap and other cleaning products, they stopped for a while to eat something they brought and rest.

"Not a bad cleaning for a playboy billionaire, I'll give you that" Joker said when he finished eating

"You haven't seen anything yet! Wait until I clean your bathroom, you can compliment my cleaning after that"

"Trust me, that one I wanna see" Joker said. Who else in this world had the chance to see Bruce Wayne cleaning a bathroom? Probably some of his employees would love to

"Joker, can I make you a question? It's silly but I've been curious about it, hope you don't mind me asking" Bruce asked

"Ok, try me" Joker said

"Humm… So, you're obviously into men. But how about women? Do you feel attraction for them as well?" Bruce asked slowly

"You were right, it  **is**  silly," Joker said rolling his eyes a little. "No, wait!... Is this about Watanabe?!" Joker asked, knowing he was right when Bruce blushed

"Who?" Bruce tried to lie

"Ohhh shut up!" he exclaimed and started laughing loudly. "Ok, first… No, I rarely talk to her outside her father's restaurant. And second, it's  **really**  rare for me to be interested in a woman. Must have happened once or twice. So yeah, it's not  **impossible** , but I prefer men. By far. You should work things out in your head if you got jealous of her, I mean really, we just talked for two minutes that night at the restaurant" Joker pointed out, he didn't like to feel he was someone's possession, even if it was Bruce

"I wasn't  **so**  jealous, ok? I admit I was a bit jealous at first, but I think it's because I'm not used to see you being friendly to anyone but me. Once again, silly. It made me curious to ask you if you liked women too. Did I ever made something that made you feel jealous?" Bruce asked, trying to dismiss the idea he might have given Joker that he could be a jealous partner

"I gotta say when I first started doing things in Gotham and you gave more importance to what the mob did instead of my stuff it made me feel jealous" Joker said avoiding eye contact

"I can't believe you said that! You don't care I used to show up with a different woman in every single social event but you cared I fought other villains instead of you? How can you have the nerve to you say that **I'm**  the one who needs to work things up in my head?" Bruce laughed in disbelieve. That was  **certainly**  going to be on his list of Joker's most memorable WTF comments

"I didn't know you were Bruce Wayne before, maybe that would have made me jealous too, I don't know. And how about you? Now that you figured yourself out better, do you have a preference?" Joker asked curious

"At first I would say that you were my only exception. But after some time being with you and being more open-minded, I started to notice that I do feel attraction for other men as well. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I have a preference for women, I think I'll always have. But I like men too" Bruce tried to explain

"Good you understand that better now. And don't worry, I know having a preference doesn't mean you like me less than you would like a female version of me. Or that you would leave me for a woman just because it's a female. Men catch my attention more, women catch your attention more often, doesn't matter anyway, right?" Joker said noticing Bruce was a bit insecure on how to say things

"Yeah, I'm so glad you said it out loud, I wouldn't be able to put into words without making a mess" Bruce said relieved

After some rest, Joker cleaned the kitchen in a very decent way and helped Bruce finish scrubbing the floor from the apartment, leaving the bathroom for last. It was late already. They arrived in the morning and when Bruce looked out the window, the sky had orange tones from the sunset.

"Joker, before I start cleaning the bathroom, you're going to make me and yourself a favor. You will enter the bathroom, get the razors you never used under the sink and throw them away with the rest of the trash. Can you do that for me?" Bruce asked firmly

Joker nodded and entered the bathroom, returning with four unused razors on his hands, disposing them in one of the trash bags.

Bruce was about to make a knot on that plastic bag so Joker could take it outside but Joker stopped him and after a moment he sighed and said "Wait, there is more"

Joker went to his bedroom and came back with another two razors. He also opened a box in the bookshelf and got a small blade from the inside. He threw everything away in front of Bruce, who finally gave a knot to the plastic bag.

Joker tensed up, maybe for entering the bathroom or maybe because having those things gave him some odd security he could cut himself later. Cutting was a coping mechanism and getting rid of the tools made him feel insecure somehow. It was hard to let go of something that was there for him when he was at his worst, even if it almost got him killed.

"I just saw your addiction try to defend itself and you shutting it up, just now, right in front of me. You have my respect" Bruce said while giving Joker a tight hug, who hugged him back strongly after hearing this

Joker made multiple trips to take all the trash out, they filled many bags with broken glass from bottles and stuff like that. The bathroom was small so even being filthy, it wouldn't be such a nightmare to clean it. Bruce made a huge deal out of removing all the blood stains, using different cleaning products to clean between the tiles. He cleaned inside the shower and wanted to give it a final touch, but before that he let Joker take a shower there while he rested a little. Bruce took the chance to put one of the new sheets Joker bought to replace the old ones in his bed, they would probably sleep there tonight.

As Joker dried his hair with a towel, Bruce entered the shower to finish cleaning it, taking his pants off since he was going to take a shower anyway after that. Joker sat on the closed toilet seat to give him some company. He wanted to talk to him to pass the time but his view was a bit more interesting than some random subject.

Bruce opened the shower for a bit to use the water for the cleaning, getting his white T-shirt and underwear wet. He was pretty innocent about it, focused on his cleaning. Joker, on the other hand, was just observing his clothes mark his defined muscles, the way he was crouched close to the floor, not leaving much to imagination between his legs. Joker almost thought Bruce was doing it on purpose, but he truly wasn't, being distracted the way he was. Bruce turned around to clean the floor behind him, giving joker a provocative view of his ass unintentionally. That was too good to resist, he was hard already, his cock begging for some attention. Joker stood up and asked Bruce to step outside for a moment.

"Hey… were did that come from?" Bruce asked in a husky voice close to Joker's ear while feeling his erection between them as they kissed

"You really didn't understand why I asked for the white T-shirt?" Joker asked

Bruce thought for a second and realized that yes, maybe Joker wanted to see him how he was right now. His clothes soaked wet and a bit translucent, everything glued to his body.

"Just understood, but didn't have a clue before" Bruce said while pushing him gently against the wall

"You're so innocent, aren't you?" Joker said before touching Bruce between his legs to confirm he was getting hard as well

"Oh, not at all" Bruce whispered, kissing Joker's neck right afterwards while he was against the wall for some good time, making the other man moan loudly. "This isn't fair, you're all clean, can I take a quick shower before we continue?" Bruce asked

"Sure you can, if you let me watch" Joker answered maliciously

It was quick, Bruce stripped, revealing his hard member and he entered the shower. He just wanted to get rid of the sweat, but he liked the idea Joker was observing him so he provoked him a lot. He was aware how much Joker liked his body and was a turn on for him as well. He loved this feeling he could make his partner hard without even trying too much. Bruce gave Joker a little show, giving him a great view of himself and sometimes turning around to see he was jerking off to him taking a shower. He couldn't wait to get his hands on him again.

Bruce stepped out and dried himself in a matter of a second.

"Like what you see?" Bruce asked before kissing Joker furiously against the wall again

"If it like it? I'm  **crazy**  for it" Joker answered between gasps

Bruce lifted him and continued to kiss him against the wall, making Joker cross his legs around Bruce's waistline. Bruce was so strong, even if he were heavier he could do it.

"Do you wanna take his to your bed?" Bruce asked with a deep voice that made Joker shiver

"Yes, take us there" Joker answered

Bruce carried Joker in that same position to his bedroom and laid him on the bed carefully before going on the top of him, Joker kissing him all the way. Once there, Bruce started to stroke Joker as he kissed him. They were very turned on, but after getting to the bedroom they felt a need to be more affectionate tonight. Bruce wanted to pleasure him a lot, he wanted to make him feel how much he wanted him. He focused on stroking him, kissing him a lot and was about to go down on him for as long as he wanted. He knew Joker liked things to be more direct down there, but he decided to touch and kiss him in the inner part of his thighs. Which he liked, for the way he was looking at him, his expression filled with lust.

As he licked his partner's balls and held his thighs to hold him in place, Joker moved his hips in pure pleasure under him. Bruce was ok with the idea he would come like this, his moans were loud and he was starting to move involuntarily as he was being sucked. But then, Joker said something unexpected.

"Bruce put a finger in... I really want it" Joker said

Bruce stopped what he was doing and laid on the top on him, so he could look at him straight in his eyes.

"Are you sure? You know you don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable" Bruce said in a low tone while touching Joker's face

"I want it so bad, I think it's about time we try"

"You mean just the fingers or going all the way? I need a clear answer here" Bruce asked, still holding Joker's face with his left hand

"I want  **everything**. I have some lube and condoms in the bathroom, get them for us ok?" Joker insisted, he had been craving for this for a long time

"Sure. We'll do it your way and if you want me to stop at  **any**  point you tell me" Bruce reassured him

He came back with what Joker asked and before he started, he sucked him to get Joker more in the mood again, this time making some pressure on his entrance with his finger to see if was ok. Bruce put lube on two of his fingers and pushed one slowly inside Joker, who held his breath until the whole finger was in.

"It's ok, do it the way I did it for you the first time. You remember, right?" Joker asked

"Of course, I do. Don't worry, we can take our time"

Bruce moved his finger around carefully, trying to stretch him as much as he could.

"Ohhh…. Hummmm" Joker moaned while moving slightly to try hitting his good spots. "Put the second one, now…" he said demandingly

Bruce didn't even argue with him, putting another finger inside and stretching him even more. He licked his length and balls to distract him, just the way Joker did for him on his first time.

"Kiss me before we continue… please" Joker asked, feeling anxious as they got closer to start, but still very willing to continue

Bruce came closer and they kissed as passionately as their erections allowed, slowly rubbing their cocks together between them. He held Joker's wrists against the bed firmly, but still gently. Only to lock their fingers together later, as they continued kissing.

"Do it… I'm ready" Joker moaned under him

"Turn around, then" Bruce said gently

"No, I  **have**  to see you" Joker said anxiously

"Ok, I just thought it could hurt less" Bruce answered giving him a soft kiss in the lips and getting in position to start

Bruce put a condom and waited for Joker's sign. When he said it was ok, he pressed his head on Joker's entrance, allowing himself moan. He was so focused on Joker he had almost forgotten how much he wanted this too. He pushed himself inside him slowly, stopping after he was midway there but still with some of his cock outside.

"You ok?" Bruce asked as Joker made a sorrowed face

"Yeah, just wait a moment, you're a big guy in case you might have forgotten" he said with a smile building up in the corner of his mouth

When Joker said he could go deeper, he bent his legs as Bruce laid on the top of him. Bruce started moving a little when Joker gave him a meaningful look. Joker put his arms around Bruce, feeling his back and also letting himself get more involved in that moment. Joker wasn't scared or holding his tears like the last time Batman had him against his will, he wasn't in pain anymore, he felt safe. He wanted this badly.

They leat out some moans and grunts as Bruce fucked him, a bit faster this time, things heating up more. Joker asked him to kiss and bite his neck again.

"You'll get bruised, your skin is sensitive here" Bruce warned him

"I don't care… Ohhhhh…. Yeah, lick it too" he said breaking heavily under him

Bruce felt Joker was getting closer, he knew him well enough to know the signs. He only wished he could stroke his cock to make it even better for him.

"Fuck me harder, I want it… I want to come" Joker said as he scratched Bruce's back and grabbed his ass

Bruce was trying to hold back so he could be more in control in case things went wrong, but his thoughts were getting foggy as he fucked Joker faster. He wanted to come too, it was getting harder and harder to hold it back.

"Faster, Bruce, faster… I'm so close" Joker moaned

"Oh Joker, I can't hold it much longer…" Bruce said gasping

"Yes, like this…. Hummmm, yes… ahhh" Joker moaned as he came between them arching his back as he rode out of his orgasm

Bruce breathed heavily close to Joker's ear and moaned more before he fucked him even harder for a moment. Joker held Bruce's hair tightly and pressed his body closer to his own with his free hand.

"Fuck…" he moaned as he came pushing himself deep inside Joker

They stayed like that for a moment. After all this time… everything they went through, they finally reached this point. It was all so fast while they were doing it and now seemed like they realized how much of a big deal it was. It felt natural to them, they both wanted it for quite some time, they were just afraid to bring it up and things not going well. Bruce pulled out carefully, only going to the bathroom to throw the condom away, coming back to the bedroom with a clean blanked they washed in the morning. He covered them both with it, bringing Joker closer to hold him under it, giving him a kiss on the forehead.

"You're so quiet, J. Are you ok?" Bruce asked with a soft voice

"I am… it's just… a lot to process" Joker answered

"I know, I'm a bit overwhelmed too… but I really liked it… it was really special to me" Bruce said looking into his lover's eyes

"For me as well, you were so nice. Thank you for not giving up on me… not just in bed, but everything else" Joker answered

"You don't have to thank me, it's the least I could do" Bruce said touching Joker's green hair

"No, Bruce… the least you could do was to make sure I didn't die. And maybe give me a hand with my knee. I saw you sleep in a chair close to my bed a week after you got me in the Batcave because I had a fever. You cooked me different dishes in every meal until we found something I could eat without my body rejecting it. You took me outside on Christmas, you gave me the choice to leave or stay. After that, you gave me a room in your house and you also came here and helped clean so I could feel like I still have a place of my own. Don't tell me it's the least you could do, sounds like you're still doing things out of guilt. You're not, right?" Joker asked, suddenly insecure about it

Bruce smiled and looked at him tenderly. This could be the moment he was waiting for to tell him. If not now, when?

"It makes happy you can see all that, I made you a promise and tried my best to help you… Things got different later... before we kissed I was resistant to the idea and very confused with everything I was feeling… But no, Joker, I'm not doing any of this out of guilt for a long, long time… I'm doing this… because I love you"

Joker's eyes widened as he placed a hand on his mouth in surprise. Bruce was never sure if someone like Joker was able to feel something like love or if he would say it out loud. Maybe he was biologically incapable of that, maybe that part of him was left behind with his previous life. It didn't matter, he loved him and he was not going to keep it to himself any longer, regardless if Joker loved him too or not.

"Bruce…" he said smiling after taking his hand away from his lips, "I love you too. I know feelings are tricky when it comes to me, but I mean it. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true" Joker assured him

This time Bruce was the one who got surprised. He was so happy he couldn't describe it. So many times he felt like saying it but didn't because he wasn't prepared to receive a bad answer. Falling in love for someone like Joker was an unscripted journey in every aspect to him. He just hugged him tightly as an answer. All the words were already spoken.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The interesting thing is that I didn't plan this ending for the chapter. But as I wrote it, felt like they were the ones telling me what was going to happen next.  
> Thank you all for reading! Still have some ideas, so it's not over yet. I'd love to know your thoughts about this, so comments are always appreciated. See you!


	18. Chapter 18

"Joker,  **explain this** " Bruce said angrily after suddenly throwing a newspaper in front of Joker, who was sitting in the kitchen's table drinking some coffee.

"Oh come on, did you expect me to turn into your housewife and stay here flipping pancakes for you  **every day**?" Joker answered, clearly overjoyed for annoying Bruce, an old habit of his

"Please, tell me no one got hurt  **or**  killed" Bruce said serious, still angry

"Nah, I've been good. I instructed my guys not to shoot anyone unless extremely necessary and I think no one tried to play clever inside the bank this time" Joker answered

"What were you after? I have more than enough to give you anything you like, you don't have to do this anymore"

"Now I'm getting mad at you, you know me so much better than this! I don't care about the money, how many times will I have to say it?! I do it because I  **want**  to do it! Plus, I've been missing for too long and other villains know I'm alive and in Gotham so if I stay behind in my schedule of spreading chaos around here, eventually someone will come after me to figure out why I'm not blowing things up anymore. Don't you get it? Best thing we can do to fool everyone is to pretend you're still trying to capture me. I was expecting you to do something about it yesterday, but you gave me a no-show. Do some acting next time" Joker said exasperated

"It would be a lot easier if people thought you're gone from Gotham or in Arkham, we wouldn't have to prove all the time we're enemies! Do you think I like the idea of you killing people around just so we can act in front of the cameras? I don't think you try too hard to not hurt anyone!" Bruce accused

"First, where is the fun on just telling people I'm dead or gone for good? People will like Batman way more when you capture me and Gordon screws up by letting me escape, which he won't but you can get me out. And second, I've told you! I've been good, ok? I didn't kill anyone in a good time now and haven't let my guys kill innocent people, that rule doesn't apply to mob members, but that's a story for another day"

"I still don't like this! You have no limits out there and you know it! I don't want people to hate you more than they already do. I don't approve you helping people bring drugs inside Gotham, robbing banks, blowing hospitals up, kidnapping people, cutting their faces, really, why can't you just let this city in peace?"

"You look at me straight in my eyes while I say this, Bruce, I won't say it again. I've never asked you to stop being Batman and I never will. I don't want to leave you, I want to be with you at all times. But staying inside your house waiting for you to return and not doing anything at all is just not the life I want for myself. I couldn't stay out of trouble even if I wanted to, do you really think I'm going to be remotely happy doing something else? Have I ever said that I'm not ok with you arresting some people that actually work for me too? That maybe I needed that fucking hacker you sent to trial a month ago? What if I told you that I won't be with you anymore if  **you**  don't become a villain like me? Hun?"

Bruce thought for a moment, trying to take what he said into consideration and finding a way to make thigs sustainable for them.

"Ok… I agree. What is the point of being with someone if it means giving up on who you are? It wouldn't be you. Wouldn't be me either. But can you just make  **a good effort**  on not killing or hurting innocent people? Make the mess you want, make people freak out as much as you like, just don't kill them, I mean it. I'm gonna be honest with you, being with someone that can cause the same pain I felt when I lost my parents to other people just for fun, it's  **also**  not the life I want for myself either, Joker… And it hurts for me when people say they hate you, regardless of who it is. I bet you don't like what villains say about me, specially when you know it's not true. I know it's best if no one knows about us, but I hate hiding it so much… Keeping all my secrets makes me exhausted sometimes"

"Fine. I don't like it, but I think is the best agreement we can get from each other. You let me spread some chaos and I let you reestablish some order. So we can both come home later have sex and flip pancakes together with what is left of our energy. How does that sound? Deal?"

"Deal" Bruce said looking away from him, clearly not liking their deal but knowing this is as close as they will ever get on a healthy antagonism for each other.

"Good, you know I'm a man on my word" Joker said knowing Bruce had this problem on letting things go when he wasn't completely satisfied with them

Bruce got some coffee form himself, added sugar and sat by the other side of the table, still with a lot in his mind. He was still angry. Made him remember of how much Joker was able to get the very worst of everyone, how vicious and evil he could be. He was the personification of most things Bruce believed to be the worst of society when he was out there. But inside the Manor, when they were together, he was so different. It had the whole spectrum of feelings that a "normal" person had and he was a great partner: Thoughtful, funny, caring, honest, respectful, reasonable for their individual differences and even fragile for his own personal problems. As crazy as it seems, he had his insecurities like any person. Bruce saw him cry twice. First of despair, sadness, and fear. And later of happiness when he invited him to live with him upstairs. How can someone be like this?

"Bruce, really, I can practically hear you think from here. Just sound it out, we can work things out better if you tell me what is going on in your head" Joker said after sipping some of his hot coffee. He was also angry Bruce didn't understand that his opinion was not the ultimate truth about how the world should be and how things should be done. He thought Bruce was arrogant about it, but taking that into consideration, so was him.

"I was just thinking… how can you be so different to me than you are to everybody else? No offense but to me the idea of you caring for another person was inconceivable. Even in a level of friendship or simply feeling empathy for others, I thought someone like you couldn't feel such things and you proved me wrong at least a million times"

"Ha ha…  **someone like**  me meaning… a psychopath, a freak? Frankly, I wouldn't give a shit for how people classified me in Arkham even if they ever reached a conclusion…" He said clearly offended Bruce used that expression, he hated that one in particular

"Wait, nobody ever said anything conclusive about your… personality?" Bruce tried to ask, but knowing he failed in his choice of words

"Oh, you and your euphemisms, you know I  **hate**  when you do that, so stop! What is it with you today? You suddenly don't know me anymore? Psychopath, sociopath, insane… none of the above… they never agree on any of these. I guess I'm constant about being inconstant in my behavior. Also, they have to assume I'm not lying. I would never say I'm with someone or that I even care about anyone, they can become a target, a bait… you see, not everyone has  **the luxury**  of being considered insane, many villains go straight to jail and stay there. Arkham is like a candy shop of drugs compared to it. And I hate those people so why would I help them put a label on me if I blow things up to prove control is a bad joke? I don't know what's up with those questions and evaluations, it's all about context! People are such hypocrites…  **Everyone**  has selective empathy, at least I have the  **decency**  to admit it, as ugly as it is"

Joker said it all very angry, Bruce rarely saw him like this when they argued, although he was expecting a nasty conversation due to the topic.

"Oh my God, what is it now?! Stop looking at me like this without saying anything!" Joker said irritated raising his voice

"I… Nothing, it's something stupid, nevermind… Ok, you spread some chaos, I put things back in place. I don't screw your plans completely and you try not to kill innocent people. Fine… I… have things to do downstairs" Bruce said fast and getting up from his chair, leaving his coffee untouched

"Bruce, wait…" Joker said getting up fast to reach for him, a bit scared by his sudden change in mood. He reached his shoulder and made him turn around gently. "I'm sorry I almost yelled at you just now… what is it?" He said in a softer tone, noticing Bruce looked a bit sad all of the sudden

"I just… got upset when you said that I'm treating you like don't know you… I'm trying to know you more every day, it just hurts me you said that" he admitted

"Oh, there is nothing stupid about that. See, you have to tell me these things, when I get angry I just say things and later I forget it might have made you sad… You know what, I'm not a very easy person to understand and you're still trying… Honestly, I think this can work, let's put up a little show for these people, I'm sure will have some good laughs"

"Yeah, why not… If we're doing this let's have some fun. So you better stop skipping our training because I'm not taking it  **so**  easy on you out there, it's a show after all. Let's give them something to watch" Bruce said brightening up

"I like where this is going, Batsy, I like it" Joker said giving Bruce some pats in his shoulder. "Now, sit here with me and finish your coffee, I'm sure whatever excuse you had to go downstairs can wait a little"

They sat together silently until Bruce was halfway on drinking his coffee.

"I was just thinking, I never told you this but I think you should know…" Bruce started. "Do you know why I gave you the perfume?" Bruce asked

"I have no idea how you knew that was the one I like, but I thought it was because you wanted me to trust you more, right? I think things were already changing between us by then"

"Yes, you're right, but I mean… do you know why a perfume?"

"I think I know where this is going… I also thought about it… tell me, I want to hear your version of it"

"I remember your scent from the first time I was in the same room as you, it's not something I ever give much importance but yours caught my attention. Reminds me of you more than anything else, more than your clothes, hair, makeup, scars or even your voice. When I recognized it in a store I bought it for you because I wanted to give you your life again, your essence. You hardly looked like yourself back then, felt like I've taken it away from you" Bruce said in a reflexive way

Joker smiled and answered "Sometimes it's scary how much we're connected… You remember that bookmark I gave you when we first went out in public? Well, in Japanese a word can have more than one way to be written in kanji… the guy asked me which symbol I wanted for 'perfume'… and I chose the one that actually means 'essence'. He told me that kanji also stands for essential, spirit, pith, core and soul. Felt like I was thanking you for the right thing"

"What scares me is that I came to this kitchen furious about what you did, I was  **so**  ready to argue for hours, yell and all. But you always disarm me. And now we're having this moment here, talking about gifts we gave to each other… really, how do you do it? I was pissed at you like… half an hour ago" Bruce said as he looked at the watch he had in the kitchen

"You think I disarm you? You practically put a spell on me since the beginning, I don't think I can live my life without pissing you off and kissing you anymore. By the way, I need both constantly so get ready"

"Oh, like I never noticed" Bruce said rolling his eyes dramatically. "I think I have an idea for how we can start, but it needs your personal touch"

"You  **already**  have a plan? Well, let's listen to it so we can all improvise when the time comes"

"Come with me downstairs, let's start"

"Oh mine I lived long enough to hear this. Ok, Batsy, to the Batcave!" Joker said getting up from his chair

"Hey, that's my line!" Bruce said joking, also getting up and starting to walk to one of the secret entrances with Joker

"Did I piss you off? Great! Now I just need to make you kiss me and my job is done for today!" Joker said mockingly

Bruce pulled him by the arm while they walked and gave him a fast kiss.

"Nailed it" Joker said after Bruce stopped kissing him before they continued their way underground.

 


	19. Chapter 19

Bruce had spent most of his afternoon and night in the Batcave, he was testing some new equipment after arriving with a new antidote that, hopefully, would neutralize Scarecrow's new combination of the fear gas. Joker eventually went there to chat and watch him work, which he found fascinating at first, but grown bored off after one hour.

Joker was tired early, way earlier than three or four in the morning like his conventional time to sleep. He had things to do at night and it wasn't rare for him to go to bed right before the sunrise. But today he was having a hard time with his own mind, it was one of those nights in which all his thoughts seemed to be screaming in his head. They were many, all with colors, sounds, textures, different speeds and different memories attached to each. Some were about recent events, some were just ideas, some of them were intrusive thoughts about harming himself or others. Sometimes he had a hard time to know if he had a conversation with Bruce, if he dreamed about it or if he thought about having that conversation. He knew the difference between reality, dreams and thoughts most of the time but when his mind was the way it was tonight, it all  **felt**  real. Felt like he was sitting in a dark room with about twenty TV's displaying different channels and five radio frequencies on huge speakers. And he had to keep up with it. He was mentally exhausted. Still aware of reality but exhausted. He laid down on his bed and hoped to sleep until morning.

But he didn't. He woke up two hours later, his mind was not loud and confusing anymore, it was fixed on one simple idea. He wanted to cut. Had been months without it, he was doing well, every day a new personal record, every day he had been as far as he had ever been from the last time. But the ice wasn't doing the trick for a long time, it just wasn't enough. He had given up on it because it was more frustrating than anything else. But now he was so desperate for it that his body had brought him to the kitchen and he had his hesitant hand on the freezer's door. He got some ice cubes and was about to use them in his forearm right there in the kitchen, not even bothering to go the closest bathroom when he turned around to find Bruce with a grey T-shirt all stained by some black grease, looking at him from the corridor. He dropped the ice cubes on the floor with the fright.

Bruce was extremely embarrassed, he didn't want to sneak on him in such a private moment. Joker was also extremely embarrassed, he hated to admit this problem was still haunting him and it made him feel week to show such vulnerability.

"Sorry, didn't mean to intrude… thought you were sleeping… I'm done repairing the Batmobile for now. Hummm… need any help? Maybe some distraction?" Bruce asked while getting the ice cubes from the floor and was about to give them back to Joker when he made a sign with his hand for him to stop

"Throw them in the sink, they don't work anymore anyway" Joker said irritated

Bruce threw them away and got closer to Joker again, putting his hand on his shoulder from behind.

"Having one o those moments?" Bruce asked

"It was worse before… and lasted for some hours until I finally ran out of energy and slept" Joker said feeling uncomfortable for talking about it

"J, I must tell you… I'm not here to incriminate you for using the ice or anything, I'd rather find you here getting it than finding cuts on your body. But if it's not helping anymore, maybe we should try something else"

"Not a fucking clue, I'm opened to suggestions"

"We'll think of something, for now, we should do something to distract you. Maybe we could watch something or just talk about other things" Bruce suggested

"I'm unbearable now, not even I can cope with how irritated and edgy I am… I'm tired, Bruce" Joker admitted after rubbing his eyes and looking at him afterwards. "Do you have anything to make me sleep? I'm done being awake and also done sleeping and having nightmares"

Bruce wasn't expecting this. Joker  **hated**  medication, specially any type that resembled what he used to have in Arkham. To have him ask for it was quite revealing on how exhausted he was. Bruce couldn't help but to feel sorry for him, but tried to conceal it, Joker also hated when someone pitied him.

"I do, two kinds, actually. One will make you sleep in about fifteen minutes. The other doesn't knock you out as much but can make you remain in good sleep for about eight hours. Still, I don't like this, there must be a better solution for it"

"Can't I have both?" Joker asked sarcastically

"No" Bruce answered seriously

"In that case, I want the one to sleep until morning. We'll find another way, just let me sleep for now"

"Ok, I'll get it for you"

He gave Joker some cream crackers before giving him the medicine and told him to wait for the effect on his bed. Bruce was there with him sitting close to were he was laying, just to give him company. Joker started not making much sense after about half an hour, indicating he was starting to fall asleep. But there was one last thing he said that got stuck on Bruce's had.

"Do you know what's the problem? It doesn't  **look**  the same" Joker said drowsily with his eyes closed

It doesn't look the same. Maybe the ice gave him some sensation that resembled the pain, but it was far away from being as visually "satisfying". Bruce left the room quietly and started to think of what he could do. He tried to remember what made blood distinct from other things. Color, obviously. But there is also more like texture and scent. The temperature too. Also, the way it spreads through the skin. He thought about making some fake blood like in the movies, couldn't be that hard, but that wouldn't hurt. So that's when he had the idea: he could make fake blood and freeze it like the ice cubes. Wouldn't have the right temperature of hot blood spreading but could be convincing enough.

It was late, but Gotham was a big city, some stores were open 24h a day. He decided to make it as simple as he could, nothing too elaborate or with toxic components. He went to a supermarket just to have some ideas and also because he wasn't sleepy at all. He thought about some of those artificial powders to make juice but it's not pretty convincing if it smells like artificial strawberry and grape. Wouldn't be thick enough either. He was almost giving up walking around in the corridors when he passed through some items for baking cakes and party decorations. He saw a product used to thicken recipes like cakes and milkshakes. Also, some concentrated food coloring, the type that five drops can give color to a big cake. He chose red and dark blue to combine. He couldn't think of anything to give it the right scent for now, but he went home secretly excited to play around with what he bought.

He remembered some of what he learned in chemistry lessons while trying his first attempt on the Fake Blood Operation. Like the fact that the powder wouldn't agglutinate so much if he used hot water instead of cold, helps the diffusion before it gets thick. Also, that by adding something to the water, like the thickening powder, it would drop the melting temperature of the solution. He thought the color would be the easy part but he figured that the important aspect was for it to look like blood  **while**  it melts, instead of looking like blood in a glass jar when the whole thing was there in room temperature. He dropped the mixture on his wrist until he found a combination of colors that was convincing enough for him. Later, he put them in ice molds and waited until it was frozen.

He cleaned the mess he made meanwhile, looked like a small animal had died a violent death inside the sink. When it was ready it was very late at night but Bruce had to do the one thing it was missing. Test it on himself. How could he expect it to be convincing for someone like Joker if he wasn't convinced himself?

He read people had some rituals for doing this. Some listen to music, for example. He knew Joker didn't, but Bruce was like most people and had a sad playlist for when he just wanted to feel the sadness instead of trying to force himself to cheer up. He felt suffocated when he was unable to feel what he was supposed to feel, even if it was something heavy or sad. He got his headphones, one ice cube made of the fake blood and went to a small bathroom close to the kitchen. He decided to sit on the floor like Joker probably did since all the stain marks in his bathroom were on the lowest parts of the walls and floor.

He waited a couple of songs and allowed himself to feel everything that came with them. It was sorrowed, but also soothing not to hold back. It was a bit dark inside the bathroom, he just turned on the lights close to the mirror, so it contributed to the atmosphere. The song that made him get the ice and press it against his wrist was a song that reminded him of his mother. He rarely listens to it, she used to sing the melody around the house, it was just too painful. The ice started to melt, the skin under it was sensitive already and some of the "blood" started to drop like actual blood would do. Some of it started to drop on the floor, forming a small puddle of it. The song was still playing, Bruce put it on repeat and it was echoing all the corners of his mind. His chest was hurting, it felt heavy but also empty, a huge loss. He could feel tears rolling down his cheeks and he was sobbing while he pressed the ice against another part of his forearm, it was almost over. When it was all melted, the blood was on the floor and also in his whole forearm, some of it in his clothes too. He removed the headphones and sat quietly for some good time, still with tears rolling down his face. He felt so lonely, his parents were dead, Rachel was dead, Alfred left him, he had no real friends to talk to, he couldn't trust anyone. He had Joker, but that was a secret and it's hard to fulfill all the need of human contact a person needs with just one person. He started to feel even worse when he realized he couldn't remember his mother's voice, so many years had passed. Made him feel guilty above all things.

He had cried considerably, for his standards. He suddenly felt exhausted, he could sleep right there, but he had to clean all that mess so Joker wouldn't look at it randomly in the morning. This might have been one the most difficult tasks of his life for him, cleaning was the last thing in the world he wanted to do now. He also needed a shower, water alone didn't get the red color away from his skin. He rubbed it with hot water under the shower and it all came off. Finally, when he laid down to sleep he understood why Joker got an infection. What he experienced was intense but must be even more to someone who actually has problems with self-harm. He probably wouldn't be able to clean the cuts properly afterwards and knowing Joker, he probably wouldn't have the sense of self-preservation Bruce had to clean the tools before he started. He wanted to receive a hug more than anything while he was trying to sleep, but he didn't want to be selfish and wake Joker up after the mess his mind was earlier. His bed just felt huge and cold.

When Joker woke up in the morning he was feeling better, he had the best sleep of the last two weeks. He hated medicine but he had to admit the modern sleep inducers were pretty good. He walked around the house a little, thinking Bruce wasn't there, he would usually be gone by now. When he left his used mug on the sink he noticed there were some red stains in the sponge. He got curious to know if Bruce cooked something late at night, once he actually baked a cake three in the morning because he was bored and the next day he gave it to a homeless man. He looked inside de oven but there was nothing there, so he looked inside the fridge, still nothing. At last, he opened the freezer and saw an ice mold with some kind of dark substance on them, one ice cube missing. There was also a small envelope inside another transparent envelope made of plastic. It was a note addressed to him.

_"Joker,_

_I made them for you to use instead of the conventional ice, it's not toxic or anything. Might stain your clothes._

_I hope it will help you, let me know, we can talk about it whenever you want. You're doing great, I'll never give up on you, so please, don't give up on yourself._

_Love,_

_Bruce"_

"Bruce…" Joker said to himself, very touched by Bruce's little note. They never wrote to each other.

Obviously, he understood instantly what Bruce was trying to do with the dark substance. He wasn't in the mood for it now but he was too curious to wait. He got a small cube that was probably a left over from the other ones and pressed it against his skin, over one of his scars. Didn't take long for it to start melting, forming thick drops of blood that rolled down through his forearm due to gravity. It was a bright day but even in clear light it looked like blood and the drops were very convincing.

Joker couldn't avoid thinking that a big ice cube would provide him a way bigger amount of "blood" than any shallow cuts he did in his relapses. He had deeper cuts before when he was at his worse, but even so, he tried not to hit an artery or something. It occurred to him that Bruce was probably sleeping if he made the mixture and waited for it to freeze he must have slept pretty late. On his way to Bruce's bedroom, after cleaning his arm in the sink, he had no idea what to say. He would never dream someone would be  **this** willing to help him. He couldn't believe it was the same man that was furious with him the first night he relapsed.

Entering Bruce's bedroom quietly he saw him sleeping under the covers and tried to hug him from behind without waking him up.

"J…?" Bruce asked in a drowsy way, half awake

"Of course it's me unless you've been cuddling around behind my back" Joker answered softly before giving him a quick kiss behind his ear

"Don't even joke about it, you know I wouldn't. Cuddling with somebody else is the most  **serious**  and  **unforgivable**  infraction, I would never be the same again. Maybe if you had sex with half of Gotham's criminals I could forgive you, but  **definitely**  not if you cuddled with somebody else. I'm sure you think the same" Bruce said joking while turning around to look at Joker, being entirely awake now

Joker was about to continue joking about it, but he saw Bruce had puffy eyes when he turned around, he had been crying.

"Hey… what happened? Why were you crying, did anything bad happened?" Joker asked softly but also concerned

"Oh, it's nothing… just some bad thoughts, I'm feeling better now" Bruce answered a bit uncomfortable, trying to imagine how his face was to be so obvious he had cried before he went to bed

"Didn't mean to wake you up, but I couldn't wait to thank you for what I found on the freezer. I'm sure it will help me a lot, that was a brilliant idea! I just don't get it how you give importance to people's feelings but always diminish your own… you always say it's nothing, or silly, or stupid or not important. What you feel matters too, it certainly matters to  **me**. Now tell me why were you crying"

"I'm really happy you think it will help you, I can make as much as you need. I decided to test it on myself last night, I wanted to see how convincing it would be so I listened to some music and tested… but I got really emotional when one particular song started… made me remember of my mother… I was so long ago, I'm not even sure if the memories I have are real or if I made them up, that always makes me feel awful. That night Scarecrow poisoned me I heard her voice somehow, I saw them, but it wasn't her  **real**  voice. She was sad, angry, disappointed, she never sounded like that in real life. Her voice was soft, pleasant and I remember she sang so well… I wish I could remember  **that**  voice" Bruce said in a sad tone, not looking into Joker's eyes much

Joker made a mental note on how this was a huge deal for Bruce. If the Fear Toxin brought this torment of not remembering his mother's voice to the surface, it was something as unsettling to Bruce as seeing him dead and the bats attacking the two of them. It was cruel to think he had this fear and the toxin made him listen to his mother in a way he would  **want**  to forget.

"You know something about memories, Bruce? They can be confusing, I know that for sure, but it's not about remembering something as detailed as a picture or a video, I'm sure a memory is real for the way it makes me feel. Maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, maybe my brain filled the gaps or even gave me some images and sounds to help with it, but it's all about not forgetting the feeling. The feeling is real, maybe what your head had to create to make you remember the feeling is not, but so what? You were just a kid, it's not fair trying to remember in detail"

"Oh… thanks for saying that" Bruce said while hugging him strongly. He started sobbing so Joker rubbed his back a little.

"I keep saying this to you, you're too hard on yourself. You don't have to be a hero all the time"

"You don't have to be a villain all the time either" Bruce said with a cracked voice. He wasn't accusing him or anything, he just said it in case Joker also felt a burden on always presenting himself as the living nightmare of Gotham

"I had my fair share with identity crises ever since we started being together, but yeah, I know… It's ok to be good sometimes, I'm still myself, it's just a part of me I didn't know so well yet" Joker said while touching Bruce's hair slowly while he was still hugging him

After some time Bruce loosened up their embrace a little to kiss him. After that, they just lay down quietly, Joker even thought Bruce was going to fall asleep again.

"You know… the ice hurts more than I thought it would. I thought one cube was too little and that it wouldn't hurt but it felt different… I used ice many times on injuries but it wasn't the same" Bruce said with his head on Joker's chest

"I had the same thought the first time. I think that's a sensitive part of the body and if you press the ice long enough it actually hurts. Probably the way we feel when we do it influences too. Where did you do it? How did you get the rest of the ink out?" Joker asked looking at his forearm that was still stained with red ink

"My left wrist at first… and the rest of my forearm closer to the end. I took a shower after that… so I guess some hot water and soap… also used that sponge I have"

"So you're the sad songs, wrist cutting kind of guy… Honestly didn't think you would choose your wrist, but not surprised with the music. I… well… I used to drink a lot and do it, or just do it without being drunk. I tried to avoid cutting while I'm drunk for some time, but I just gave up later"

"I always thought people cut because they want to die, thought it was one step behind suicide"

"Maybe it is some steps behind suicide… But I didn't do it because I wanted to die… I was trying to live… as weird as it sounds"

Bruce placed his arm around him under the sheets again. He wanted to say he is sorry for breaking him the way he did, but they had this conversation too many times already. Both apologizing, although they never said something like "I forgive you for everything" for each other. They know that's not possible, but they learned how to live with the amount of forgiveness they could provide to each other. As weird and disturbing as their love could sound to the outside world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I actually made this fake blood at home, it was fun and very simple. Also couldn't find anything to give the right scent to it so I'm opened to suggestions


	20. Chapter 20

Batman was dealing with abrupt shifts in his mood in the past hours. They had been fighting each other in public a couple of times, the audience loved to see the two fighting. This time it was different because they agreed to let Batman interrupt Joker in the middle of a negotiation. They were supposed to exchange chemicals for drug production for some guns no one else had access but that gang. Not much of a big deal. Except this was the first time they confronted each other in public with Joker being surrounded by his guys.    


The first mood swing was when Batman saw Scarecrow inside one of the vehicles on an isolated part of the abandoned parking lot. What the hell was he doin g here? Didn’t Joker hate him? Maybe he was the one who got the chemicals. A pitch of jealousy filled Batman’s core... So they had been talking again, even after everything. Batman hated the way Scarecrow would stare Joker from a distance, he couldn’t decide if the man wanted to have sex with him or dissect him. Probably both. In that order. He hated both possibilities almost equally.   


The second mood swing turned all his jealousy into anger when he saw Joker’s guys had brought dogs with them. They seemed dangerous and his armor wasn’t that good for dog bites, specially those pit bulls. Batman interrupted their negotiation as they had planned previously and things were ok but some guy set two of dogs free and they attacked Batman without any kind of mercy. He tried to get rid of them without killing them, he actually likes dogs a lot, but it was them or him at some point. His blood was boiling, he told Joker at least a billion times not to put dogs there. He hated fighting with them around and he hated being left with no choice but to kill them. How could he do this to him?   


But the third mood swing was the most brutal one. He interrupted when they had planned and after fighting both sides and receiving extremely painful bites in his body, he just left both gangs there. While driving the Batmobile in his way to the Batcave he heard the police radio announce they started a shooting against each other in another location not far from the first place. Batman was concerned to death. What if Joker gets shot or killed? And at the same time he couldn’t just go there and screw their cover, they were all criminals what Batman has to do with that? He also knew he couldn't just be around, the Batmobile calls too much attention and he had this unbearable pain no his back, close to his waistline. He drove home but when he arrived he stayed a solid half an hour frozen still listening to the police radio frequency without leaving the car. It was pure torture. His Batsuit was hot inside, he was sure his back injury needed attention, the pain irradiated from that spot to all his waistline, and he was on the point to have an anxiety attack for thinking Joker could be dead.    


After some time police stopped talking about it but didn’t say who was killed or not on the radio. Batman was hit with a wave of panic with that sudden silence on the matter but he had to give himself a vaccine for rabies since he had no idea if Joker’s dogs had anything. When he checked the time it had been one hour from the shooting and no news from Joker.    


He went upstairs on the first floor to use a bathroom with good light to see his back. Made him upset to see a very ugly dog bite on it. He would need to stitch it for sure but he couldn’t do it on his angle. And Joker was afraid of needles. Oh, Alfred, why aren’t you here?   


He was looking at the time every ten seconds, it had been one hour and twenty minutes since the shooting. One fucking hour and twenty fucking minutes, that’s a lifetime! Where was Joker!? Bruce could feel the scent of his own dried blood on his back. Shit, this was bad, what the hell was him supposed to do? If he went to a hospital it would be suspicious. But he didn’t have to worry about it for too long when he heard a beep from his armor that was on the corner of the bathroom. Someone entered the manor. A sudden rush of relief filled him, almost making him pass out. Joker was home. He stood up to go find him, only to find his way back to the floor with the pain and a grunt.   


“Bats…?” A weak voice called not so far away from where he was after some minutes   


“I’m here” Bruce answered from inside the bathroom    


Joker walked slowly in the corridor and when he saw Bruce inside the bathroom he made a sorrowed face after looking to the blood stain on the wall his partner was leaning against. He felt so guilty for that, it was probably hurting a lot. But he left that aside as he sat on the floor as well, close to the door. Bruce got closer to him practically sliding his way there.   


“Joker, talk to me, are you ok? Did you get shot? What happened there?” He asked seeing Joker was making pressure on a region under his right rib. He also saw his lips and chin were bloody.   


“A man held me while another beat me up, but one of my guys helped me and we killed them. We both got out before the shooting started, don’t worry, I’m just bruised” Joker said trying to locate where the blood was coming from Bruce. “You’re bleeding, let me see”   


“No… I’m ok, just…” Bruce said while trying to see if Joker was telling the truth, searching for more blood on his clothes, but strangely, he also had anger e expressed on his face too   


“Bruce!! For fuck’s sake turn around and let me see, you’re way more injured than me! Look at the stain you left on the wall” Joker said angrily and concerned to see Bruce act like this, looked like he was in shock   


He helped Bruce turn around and sat behind him to take a closer look after cleaning his hands.   


“Humm… you’ll need stitches… It’s not bleeding anymore but you’ll definitely need them”   


“What am I supposed to do? I can’t go to a hospital now, it will be obvious”   


“Shit, I have no idea, don’t you have a friend that is a doctor or a nurse or something like that?” 

“I don’t have friends” Bruce snapped back, “You’ll have to do it, I’ll show you how” he finally decided

“Woah, no no no, I can’t! You know I hate needles!”

“You should have thought of that when you brought those dogs with you! I’m so mad at you for that! I said no fucking dogs from the start!!” Bruce almost yelled at him

“It wasn’t my idea! I couldn’t just say no, it would be suspicious!”

“I don’t care if you didn’t come up with the idea! You allowed it! You can order **whatever** you want from them, Joker! They all respect you or at least are **_scared_** of you!” Bruce remembered him

“I…” he sighed closing his eyes letting the guilt sink in, “Ok, what do you need?”

“ **_You_ ** will need that black plastic case, you know where to find it... And get some ice packs,” He said still angry as Joker left the bathroom walking slowly, he was hurt too but he could handle it. 

As he went downstairs he could feel the weight of the world on his shoulders. Bruce rarely got **this** angry with him. Joker got what he needed and also some painkillers. As he went upstairs again he couldn’t avoid thinking that maybe Alfred was right, maybe he could never give Bruce the life he needed. He needed someone to make him settle down as the years passed, someone able to give him a family, not shatter it. He could never be this person, even if he wanted to change, he knew he couldn’t. Bruce loved him, but maybe this love was just going to ruin him and make him miserable and incomplete with time. He just said he didn’t have friends…  if Alfred were here he could help him stitch his wounds… That wouldn’t even be there if Joker had said no to the dogs when he had the chance… He was just a lost cause in so many aspects, maybe loving him was more like a curse than anything else. Joker started to feel his gut sink as the thought that everywhere he went, things just went bad. He turned people into their very worst… and Bruce didn’t deserve that. He deserved so much better than this. 

“Joker, what are you looking at? Did you bring what I asked?” Bruce asked with a still upset tone, snapping Joker out of his thoughts as he stood close to the door.

“Yeah, here… Move a little to the right, I need to sit behind you for this” He said suddenly present in reality while giving him one of the ice packs and watched him put it over a bruise on his stomach 

Joker cleaned his hands and put on gloves as Bruce instructed. He cleaned the dog bite silently but still panicked for the fact he had to do it. To his luck, the dog bite was deep, but not wide. It wasn’t even close to being the size of the other dog’s bite Bruce had in his arm from another event. Maybe four stitches could be enough.

“Ok, I’ll tell you how to do it… do it  **exactly** as I say” Bruce said as a warning 

“Don’t worry, Scarecrow showed me how to do it once, before people in Arkham made me hate needles… It’s like this, right?” Joker asked  as he showed Bruce the sequence of movements on the air

“Yes… do it just like that, it will work fine... And what the hell was Scarecrow doing there? How can you work with him after last time?” Bruce said clearly upset

“Mind your own business” Joker answered venomously

Joker was shaking a little before he started, it was hard for him to do that and Bruce being angry made it even worse. Bruce didn’t say anything back. Later he let out some gasps of pain and tried to hide his face his one of his arms as Joker continued stitching him. 

“Don’t do that, you’re pulling the skin. Just two more and I’m done” Joker said after some time of heavy silence

“How many?” Bruce asked when Joker finished 

“Four in total”

“Just four?” 

“It was deep, that’s why it bleed so much”

Joker helped Bruce get up. The stitches turned out fine. Not like a doctor, but it wasn’t a mess. After it was done he started shaking again, now he could freak out a little about it, he didn’t have to keep it together anymore. Bruce noticed but he was still angry and it didn’t make him go easier on him.

“Go use another bathroom to clean up, use whatever you need,” He said dryly pointing at the painkillers and ice packs. “Night, Joker”, he completed. 

“Night, Bruce” he said in a cold way as he grabbed an icepack and left

Bruce washed his wounds slowly as he sat under the falling water of his shower. He suddenly remembered how scared he was before Joker entered the Manor, the thought of losing him was devastating. But he was still too angry to knock his door and say he is more than relieved for having him home again. It wouldn’t sound sincere, his blood boiled multiple times in the last hours, he was only human after all. He went to bed wishing he could have a better temper, he knew he was hard on himself and people around him. Being so strict and treating mistakes with such harshness was toxic not only to others but also for himself. It wasn’t fair to blame his double life for his loneliness when he pushed people away from him with that attitude. Who would want to befriend someone that doesn't let anything go and is so inflexible as him? Being friends with him probably sounds like a heavy task, no room for mistakes. That’s scary. 

Joker got lost on his mind for about one hour, that seemed like a lifetime, while he cleaned his makeup and took a shower mechanically. His mouth bled a little as he removed the lipstick but not even the taste of his own blood could bring him back. He was so upset for Bruce bringing Scarecrow out, that was so invasive. Doesn’t he trust him? It sucked to talk to that freak, being around him and making that arrangement that could benefit both of them, although he didn’t care about him. He just needed the chemicals and Scarecrow could use some trained guys to negotiate for him. Also, who the hell does he thinks he is to say that? _ How could you work with him after last time? _ Forgiveness for unforgivable things didn’t get Bruce complaining when he was the one involved! Such a hypocrite. But when he laid on his bed those thoughts about him being a bad partner for Bruce started to echo on his mind again. He didn’t notice but he was curled over the sheets and the window was open, making him shake with the cold wind. 

The truth is that Joker had those thoughts quite often. Whenever he messed up, even if slightly, he felt like he was keeping Bruce away from true happiness. He loved him so much, but he had to face the fact he was sentencing Bruce to a life with someone messed up like him.   

Bruce woke up some time later, he slept without a T-shirt because he couldn’t put in on his own due to the stitches and he was cold. His anger was gone and this emptiness on his chest was killing him. He heard steps in the corridor and rushed a little to talk to Joker. He called his name in the dark but he didn’t seem to listen, even being close to Bruce. Well-known sign his body was there but he was far away.

“J… Why are you so cold?” Bruce asked when the touched his arm to call his attention, he was cold as ice. “Your hair is wet, why didn’t you close the windows?” He continued asking, without giving much thought to it.

“Stop trying to control my actions, you know it bothers me” Joker answered breaking his mindset of the last hours and remembering what Bruce said earlier

“Oh, I just... You ok?”

“I wanted to close them but I just laid down and well... I couldn’t… haven’t slept yet. Why are you not wearing anything on the top? It’s cold”

“I can’t move to put anything on… Maybe you could give me a hand?” Bruce asked looking into his eyes with kindness for the first time tonight

“Sure”

After helping Bruce put something on and getting more blankets they were warming up together. Neither said anything, the silence was still heavy between them. They were upset but they couldn’t stay mad at each other for too long. Bruce brought Joker a little closer, making him rest his head close to his chest. This made Joker feel more confident to touch Bruce, he was feeling his muscles and now he was caressing his skin close to Bruce’s hipbone. 

Bruce wasn’t sure if it was something sexual or if Joker was just doing that in a distracted way, but his doubts were gone when Joker used his nails to scratch him slowly closer to his most sensitive part. This spread out a shiver on Bruce as he rubbed his legs against each other a little out of instinct. They hadn’t been intimated for a while, both being busy with their own lives since Joker was back on the streets. Felt weird for Bruce to start something while they didn’t figure things out, but maybe breaking the ice like this was not a bad idea. 

He wanted to do it, he wanted to feel him, he was furious before and was still upset somehow, but a part of him was just so happy to know he was alive and there with him. It was a strange mixture of feelings… felt wrong to feel desire at that moment, resembled the feelings he had when he was first falling in love for him. All that confusion and constant feeling that it was extremely inappropriate to desire him.

All of it didn’t matter anymore when he looked at Joker’s eyes. They were apologetic, lustful but also… sad. A dreamy type of sadness made his eyes look like there was an entire universe of melancholy underneath the surface. They kissed softly, letting the eminence of intimacy arouse them as they touch each other, being careful with the bruised places. Bruce started to moan with a hoarse voice close to Joker's ear as he jerked him.

“J… I can’t move much… but can I…” He moaned

Joker kissed him before he finished the question and soon turned around, so they were both lying on their sides in bed. Joker licked his fingers and put them on himself to help stretch as Bruce jerked him and pressed his length on him as well. When he was ready he touched Bruce’s hip indicating he could do him by bringing him closer and pressing their bodies together. 

“You’ll have to move for us, I really can’t,” Bruce said after pushing himself inside the other, he wanted to continue but his injury was hurting, he couldn’t even lie on his back before.

Joker nodded with his head and started moving while Bruce helped move better by holding him. He didn’t stretch much so it was very tight, even a bit painful. He had his face on his pillow and was panting as he moved his hips and sometimes pressed himself with strength to make Bruce’s cock go deeper inside him, both moaning when he did so. Joker was getting closer as he worked himself on the other. Eventually, he grabbed his own butt to spread himself more for Bruce, who reacted instantly by moving a little forward. Bruce was really close, the whole movement restriction thing was oddly arousing and Joker was moving in the right speed.

“J…” he moaned squeezing his eyes shut

“Do it, I want it, come inside me,” he said also moaning as Bruce jerked him fast, they were not using a condom and Joker rarely let him finish inside him without one

Bruce started to moan loudly, his body cheating on him for making him push himself inside the other as he came hard grabbing Joker’s waist against his own. Joker found his release when Bruce was midway there, making him squeeze his partner’s leg and moan.

When they finished they didn’t say anything, Bruce held him for a while but soon he was asleep. Joker went to the bathroom and when he returned he sat on the bed and looked at his lover. So handsome and unbelievably smart. He allowed himself to shed some tears when he saw the sheets had a bit of blood on them close to where Bruce had stitches. He looked without waking him, he would be ok but this was just too much. He couldn’t keep harming him and leading him to his own death. He took one last loving look at Bruce while touching his face softly.

“Goodbye, Bruce. I love you. It will be better off this way” He said before giving him a kiss on the forehead.


	21. Chapter 21

Alfred woke up his usual hour, it was cold outside, winter was there again. He didn’t like it much, usually meant more work to keep the Manor but more than a year passed since he had that as a concern. He was making himself some tea, like always, the one that tastes a bit like orange. As the water heated up behind him, he noticed an envelope on his table, it was addressed to him and he had never seen that handwriting before. He almost jumped from where he was standing, feeling electricity run in all his nerves. Someone entered his house, maybe this person was still there. Suddenly he was hyperaware of every sound, but soon he just relied on his intuition to know he was alone.

He got closer slowly and opened the sealed envelope. It was a flash drive. He recognized it, it was one of Bruce’s. But that wasn’t Bruce’s handwriting. He understood in an instant what had happened. This was a message from Joker, it just had to be. Something bad probably happened. Alfred tried to remember every single thing he saw on TV in the last week, but nothing came to his mind as catastrophic.

He was tempted to burn the thing without even checking the content. Could contain a computer virus, could be a trap, could be a way to track his computer, could be a million things. He didn’t want to know about this. But then, he looked around his living room, newspapers piled up with news from Bruce. He missed him so much, he was his son and even with the last fight, he still cared. He turned his computer on and got the flash drive.

“Ok Joker, I’ll give you this one chance,” he said out loud

It contained only one file. A video named “Please watch until the end”.

This was by far the least he expected. First of all, Joker, The Clown Prince of Crime asked him to **_please_ ** watch something. He had been to his house and just delivered the envelope, meaning he had the chance to pretty much kill him and do whatever he wanted, but he didn’t. Alfred started playing the video, anxious to know if Bruce was alright.

 

_“Hello… Alfred. Don’t think we’ve been introduced. Whatever, you know who I am, even without my makeup. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately… I can’t get it off my head… I know you hate me and I don’t blame you for that… but I need you to do me a favor”_

_  
_ Joker sighed and took some seconds to continue with a very sad voice. Suddenly, he didn’t seem comfortable looking at the camera. Alfred was wide-eyed watching in a mixture of surprise and fear and even embarrassment. That was Joker’s real face, no makeup. He was wearing some normal clothes too. Maybe if he had recorded wearing nothing at all but still with his makeup, it would be less… revealing. For the first time, Alfred realized he was a man. Maybe a monstrous man, but nevertheless a man.

  
_“I’m leaving Bruce. Not because… I don’t… love him… or because I didn’t forgive him for how this... started. Honestly, I’ve never been happier. I’m leaving ‘cause I realized I could never give him a normal, happy life. I can’t give him a family, in fact, I’ve managed to set you too apart. There is no way I can be all he needs! He deserves way better than what I can ever give him. Let’s face it, I’m a freak… I broke his spirits so much once that… I turned him into something he wasn’t. Something that even now, he is afraid of becoming again… Even if he retires his Batsuit one day, I’ll never stop being who I am, I just know it… I don’t want to drag him to a path he can’t quit… a path in which he’ll never have peace… And I know he will need that. One day. Eventually”_

 

Joker stopped talking for another moment. This was so hard to say, so hard to ask. He couldn’t remember being more miserable than he was while recording.

Alfred didn’t know how to feel about this so far, he was relieved but also concerned, the video was not over yet. Even if Bruce loved this man, he wanted him out of his son’s life since the beginning.

 _“So that’s where you come in. I need you to be there for him. I didn't say I was leaving, I think he might call you in a couple of days. Go there, spend time with him. Help him recover, he has stitches on his back. Tell him is better this way… Let him cry and hate me for leaving him… and… when the time is right… support him on moving on and being with somebody else._ **_Even_ ** _if it’s a guy, you_ **_homophobic_ ** _piece of shit”_ Joker said with disdain in the end

  
_“I’m leaving Gotham in two weeks. It’s the time I need to arrange everything around here. You won’t hear from me anymore. If... by any chance... you have something to say to me I’ll be in that old park Bruce likes. I’ll get there three o’clock on the 18th, Saturday, spend one hour there saying my goodbyes to Gotham and I’ll leave”_ he continued, trying to the best of his ability not to cry and sounding determined about his decision.

  
_“I can’t stand you, you know... But I sincerely hope you and Bruce have a nice life together as a family. If making me a favor is too much for you… do it for Bruce. You mean everything to him. The first time I saw him cry was the night after you went to the Manor. Took him weeks to start getting over it. He still didn’t… So go there, he’ll need you more than ever now”_

 

And then, the video was over.

Alfred watch it again. Without expecting a jumpscare this time. That’s when he noticed Joker’s choice of words and got even more shocked. Joker said he **_loves_ ** Bruce. He actually said that. And not to make a statement, he could have chosen not to say it, but he did. Alfred was always worried Bruce was in love by some heartless freak, that wouldn’t think twice on killing him out of the blue someday. And he didn’t want to be around to watch. But this was extreme opposite to what he had always thought of Joker. He was thinking about Bruce’s well being. **_Over the years_ ** . And even saying he **_loves_ ** him, he thought it was **_best for Bruce_ ** to find somebody else. On his second watch, he also paid more attention to his expressions. He was a fucking good liar, but he believed him this time. He was extremely miserable while saying those things.

He stood up fast and got dressed to go to the Manor. Before he got some things, he decided to call Bruce first. The phone rang just a couple of times and he picked up.

 

 _“Alfred?”_ he asked carefully with a weak voice

Alfred felt his heart sink on his chest. Sounded like someone had died.

“Master Bruce, I was wondering if maybe you need any help. You made it to the front page recently… and reading it, seemed likely you could need an extra pair of eyes and hands to watch over our injuries” Alfred said trying not to make it obvious that Joker left him a message

 _“Oh… Well… If you don’t mind, you could help me with some stitches… I’ll need to remove them soon… and…I’m… alone here”_ he said in a very sad tone

“I’ll be right there,” Alfred said hanging up the phone

Before leaving his house, Alfred took a look at a detail he missed on the archive. The video was recorded two nights before. So Joker was still around in Gotham, it was still the first week of December.

As Alfred drove to the Manor, he found himself more anxious than he expected. This madness was finally over, Joker was leaving, he should be at peace now. Things would get better soon.

He parked the car where he always did when arriving at the Manor, Bruce didn’t park any of his cars there and he also didn’t change the passwords and keys. Alfred just entered as usual. As he started to look around, he hated to admit maybe Bruce was right as a kid, without his family, the Manor was just a huge mausoleum.

He thought about saying something out loud, to indicate he was home, but he just kept looking for Bruce.

“Master Bruce… there you are, do excuse me” he said as he entered Bruce’s bedroom, he was sitting on his bed, facing the opposite side of the room. Alfred approached him carefully, slowly, a bit afraid of what expression he might have on his face. “Bruce…?” he asked touching his shoulder in a light way

Bruce looked terrible, he clearly didn’t sleep on the last nights and his eyes were swollen from crying.

“You finally got what you wanted… he’s not coming back… he took a few things with him… like the perfume bottle I gave him and a note I wrote him… I don’t understand, Alfred… if he wants to remember me, why did he leave? I was going to talk to him better in the morning but he just wasn’t here anymore. Didn’t get to say goodbye... Why do I never get to say goodbye, Alfred?” he asked bitterly

Alfred didn’t say anything in return, he sat by his side and put his right arm around him. At this point, Bruce didn’t care if Alfred didn’t accept them in the first place, he just needed to feel less alone in the world. He let himself collapse, curving a little and started crying.

Alfred hated to be witnessing Bruce mourn another person on his life. He noticed he was sobbing as well, that made him hold him a bit tighter. For the first time, Alfred realized that keeping Joker’s message a secret was going to be difficult for him. He promised himself to think about it better as he listened to Bruce cry, it seemed the cry of someone who knows happiness will never come again.


	22. Chapter 22

And so the next days went by. Alfred was always watchful of Bruce, he was a melancholic person, he carried a dark haze around him most of the times, someone that was eternally mourning the past he wished he had. The happiness that was taken from him made him miss moments that never took place, he can only wonder about them instead of remembering them. That somehow created a void on him, and he wasn’t sure anymore if he wanted it to be filled. Every time he felt complete, he was torn to pieces with loss and the void only increased in the end. He was tired of having a painful existence and since Joker left everything hurt him. Sleep was frustrating. In his dreams, they were together but he woke up alone. In his nightmares, he was haunted by ghosts and saw terrifying images. Life was just painful. The Manor was unapologetic on making him remember what he had lost. And at the same time, he didn’t want to let go of pain, because it was all he had left of them. He didn’t want to move on because as long as he felt the pain of his loss, he remembered how much he loved them.

Sometimes he would just sit quietly in some corner for hours and right after that he would let his legs take him to different places on his house. It was sad to look at him do that, Alfred knew he was, probably unconsciously, searching for Joker. Observing Bruce since his childhood, the older man was aware that he was likely to develop some kind of high-functional depression. However this was different, it was unlike him in all aspects. Even when Rachel died he wasn’t this bad. Seemed like he had just given up on doing anything including having any contact with the outside world such as the TV or radio. He wasn’t training downstairs, going to the company and even the smallest things like eating and changing his clothes were left behind on his day. Not to mention he was crying a lot around the house, something he usually kept behind closed doors. The speed of his worsening condition was alarming.

Alfred was extremely concerned about this behavior, checking on him all the time, but from a distance at first. It almost felt like he wasn’t there anymore, he was just haunting the place, his image was just a sad echo of the person he was. And for the first time on all his years with Bruce, he was afraid that even that faint echo he was now could vanish. The red flags were all there. Alfred caught himself locking the ways to the roof and keeping all kinds of medications on the house locked as well. He knew he couldn’t be too careful and that, unfortunately, he wasn’t exaggerating.

Alfred couldn’t sleep well at night anymore, always worried and rethinking about everything they said during the day. Trying to find meaning in all he did. What was keeping him up lately was one particular conversation they had two days ago.

_“Master Bruce, what would you like to eat? I’ll go buy things for us. You can ask for anything you wish, I’ll prepare it for you” Alfred asked by the door of the main study as Bruce sat on his father’s chair._

_“Haven’t been hungry, buy whatever you want… just… no need to buy much…” He answered in a gloomy way, the last part almost inaudible_

Alfred didn’t leave him alone after that to a point Bruce got irritated and they almost fought again. Bruce had a very strong policy of not wasting food after he spent time on the worst corners of the world and trained to become Batman. He wasn’t planning on traveling or going anywhere. He barely left the Manor to walk around the gardens. He asked Alfred not to buy too much food… because maybe... he wasn’t sure he would be here to eat it. Bruce wasn’t even trying to make Alfred understand all that happened between them, the older man was used seeing him argue mercilessly, but he was quiet about the matter.

Alfred heard a noise coming from the corridor, Bruce entered what used to be Joker’s bedroom and went downstairs. He couldn’t sleep knowing he was awake at night wandering the property. So he went downstairs too, not caring if Bruce would fight him for the lack of privacy. Privacy is a luxury given to the ones that are not a danger to themselves, he thought as he went down the stairs tightening his robes. He searched the common areas of the first floor and found no sign of him. That’s when he decided to check the exit they had on the kitchen.

“What on Earth are you doing? It’s freezing outside!” He asked Bruce when he found him sitting on the grass very close to the door. He was smoking.

Bruce waited to answer, deciding if it was worth the effort explaining.

“He used to smoke this… I was curious to know how it was. He sometimes offered me, but I never accepted. Can’t say I liked it anyway...” Bruce answered looking at the dark sky searching for stars as he continued smoking

Alfred sat by his side on the grass and they went silent for a moment. He and Joker were wrong about one assumption they made. They thought Bruce would be angry, they were sure he would flip from an initial sadness to pure hatred. He always did. It was so like him to use that as fuel to force himself move on and fix this and fight crime and do all the amazing things he did. But not this time. He was broken, exhausted. The truth was tight on Alfred’s throat, he had seen enough on the last days, that seemed more like months. There was still time to set things right and end this torture.

“Bruce… Mind if have one too?” Alfred asked kindly as some wind started blowing on their direction

“Didn’t know you smoked” Bruce frowned

“I don’t. But maybe, due to the recent events, I should look at things from another perspective. Maybe I should get to know you too better, understand things for what they are” Alfred said while lighting a cigarette up and starting to smoke it

“What are you talking about?” Bruce said irritated. “Don’t you get it?! **He left me!** There is nothing more for you to know about **us** because there is no **us** anymore” He said starting to raise his voice

“Bruce, look at me. What if I told you there is still a chance you too might be together again? What if... you could see him, would you like to?” He asked in a serious way looking at him straight in his tired eyes

“What? I… Yes! Of course! But... I don’t know where he is, I... searched for him two days and nights straight when he left, not a sign. What are you trying to say, Alfred?” He asked anxiously

Alfred took another drag from Joker’s cigarette as he made his final decision on his head.

“There is something I must show you. Come with me. I made up my mind about it” He finally said

Bruce was nervous to the bone, what could it be? And how could Alfred, from all people, know about it? Everything just sounded odd. His heart was beating painfully on his chest as Alfred took him to his bedroom. The Manor never looked so huge to him, every accommodation was a long corridor to him as they passed by. When they got to Alfred’s room he was on the verge of having an anxiety attack, another one from the many he had in the past days.

“You’re shaking Bruce, calm down. I woke up about ten days ago with an envelope on my table, that one close to the kitchen. It contained a message from Joker and I’ll show it to you now” Alfred said as he clicked on the video on his computer to start playing it. “Are you ready to see it?” He asked

“Yes! Just, please…” Bruce said staring at the screen with his hand over his mouth

“Very well then, here you go,” he said starting the video as they were sitting on Alfred’s bed in the dark

Alfred held his arm as he watched the video, observing his expressions. They were so many, every world was a punch in the stomach. Sorrow was carved on him.

_I can’t give him a family, in fact, I’ve managed to set you too apart. There is no way I can be all he needs! He deserves way better than what I can ever give him._

“Alfred, I can’t continue, I just can’t… I’m not ok” Bruce said with a sharp breath pausing the video. “I can’t believe he felt this way about all that and never told me anything! We could have talked about it! I didn’t mean to make him feel guilty, I chose to be with him when you made me choose but it’s not like that! It’s my choice, it’s not his fault!” He said it all at once breaking into tears

“He knows you well, the name of the archive was ‘Please watch it until the end’. You must do it, Bruce… But I’ll get you a glass of water before we continue” Alfred said giving him soft strokes on his shoulder before going fast to the kitchen

As he returned Bruce was still breathing sharply and Alfred insisted he should drink all the water first. He looked very pale even in the dark.

“I didn’t know you had anxiety attacks, Bruce. Since when are you having them? We should get that looked at” Alfred said in a rather paternal tone

“The first one was the last time you’ve been here when we fought. I had a couple of them later, but I didn’t tell J about it. Didn’t want him to worry. I’ve been having them every day since he left. Funny… you too did the same things to help me out… And said I shouldn’t ignore them” Bruce answered after finishing his glass of water, allowing himself smile weakly in the corner of his mouth. The memory of Joker being there for him was good and having Alfred there was something to be grateful too.

“Maybe we should have a drink and exchange tips on how to deal with you. Watch the rest now” Alfred said in an encouraging way

They continued and all Bruce wanted to do was pause the video after every sentence, to say how wrong Joker was. He had so much to say to him, but he wasn’t with them, so he just sat there and watched. It hurt him to know Joker felt that way. He wished he could go back in time and tell him everything he felt, that his love was enough for him, that he made him happy and that they could manage to have a future that suits them in a healthy way. But more importantly and regardless of anything else, he wanted to have a future with him. That was his choice to make and no one else’s.

 _Let him cry and hate me for leaving him… and… when the time is right… support him on moving on and being with somebody else._ **_Even_ ** _if it’s a guy, you_ **_homophobic_ ** _piece of shit”_

“I guess I deserved that one” Alfred said quietly

“Do you have anything else to say about it? Now would be a good time” Bruce said pausing the video the second time, this time demanding an answer

“I admit it, Bruce… besides the fact he is The Joker, it was quite a shock for me. I never knew you liked men, the whole thing was too strange. You always had women in your penthouse, were you pretending all along? But, anyway, I changed my mind about it, some old-fashioned ideas shouldn’t stand in the way of people who love each other. And that includes you and me, son” Alfred said smiling to Bruce, who smiled back before hugging him tightly

“This is the best thing you could have said to me… thank you. Oh, and I wasn’t pretending before, I just… figured out I like men too” Bruce explained quickly

“Words I chose a while ago, glad I could finally say them to you” Alfred admitted as he messed Bruce’s hair a bit, afterward he continued to play the video

By the end of it, Bruce was shaken but there was a spark in his eyes for the first time since Alfred arrived. He knew where Joker would be and when! All he had to do was to go there and see him. But first, he had to wait. It was three in the morning of the 17th of December. He had to wait another day and night **and** another morning **and** another three hours to see him. That made him agitated.

“Alfred… could you please get me something to help me sleep? You know I won’t if I lay down and **really** need some rest” He said quietly after some minutes of silence

“Sure… Aren’t you going to say anything else about this?” He asked giving the computer screen a quick look

“I’m feeling a bit lightheaded, feels like having scotch with an empty stomach. I’m happy… Relieved… But it’s a lot to process, I think I’m too drained to feel more now” Bruce said sounding disoriented

“That’s perfectly understandable, you’ll make sense of things better tomorrow, after a good night of sleep,” Alfred said in a reassuring way before getting up to get Bruce some medicine. It was one unspoken truth that Bruce knew it was locked away, he had it on his bathroom before

“Alfred, wait…” Bruce said getting him by the sleeve of his dark green robes. “Thank you for showing me this,” he said looking at him smiling a little

“You’re welcome, Master Bruce. I’m glad I did” he said before he left the bedroom

Took Alfred a while to find the medication he thought would be best for Bruce and to think about the dosage. He wasn’t sure about anything on his current state, so he decided to talk to him about it and measure his blood pressure. When he came back upstairs he was most delighted to see Bruce sleeping over the sheets on the same bed he was before, on Alfred’s bed. He covered him with a blanket and left quietly. That would be the first good night of sleep they had since they were on the same house again.


	23. Chapter 23

Bruce woke up somehow early for the amount of sleep his body needed. He didn’t have nightmares but his sleep was agitated, he had the kind of dream that makes him feel like he ran a marathon in his sleep. Moments after waking up, he noticed he was still on Alfred’s room and that’s when he remembered all that happened the night before. Even though Bruce was still hurt from the fact Joker left, gave him chills on the spine to know his lover was still around in Gotham. It had been such a unilateral decision, nothing had been said, he simply disappeared. Bruce already had trust issues with him regarding his erratic nature and this broke him to pieces. But at the same time, Bruce couldn’t find anger on him for all that happened. He knew he could be angry, he had the right to be, but he wasn’t. This was so heartbreaking and so emotionally draining that there was simply no room for anything else. Bruce just wanted him back, no questions asked, no fighting, nothing. He just wanted him back, nothing else mattered. Nothing else would give him enough motivation to continue living instead of just existing on that enormous graveyard that his property was until he became a ghost himself. 

Bruce went downstairs, opened the fridge and even knowing his body needed something to eat, nothing seemed inviting. He had an accelerated metabolism and the days of almost no food eaten were already noticeable on his weight. Maybe that wasn’t visible for Alfred, but he knew his body well enough to know it was starting to change. 

He wandered the house for some time during the morning, not knowing what to do but wait the hours pass. Alfred made them some lunch and they ate together. Bruce still didn’t want to eat but he made an extra effort as a gesture of appreciation towards Alfred, who was still watching all his actions. 

“Why don’t we watch something, Bruce? The weather certainly calls for a movie” Alfred said as he got their dished and left them on the sink

Bruce didn’t know what to say, he almost felt guilty to entertain himself and have fun after Joker left. Every moment he wasn’t grieving seemed like treason to him.

“I’m not sure, Alfred… Maybe later” Bruce answered looking outside the window from his chair, it was raining

“Bruce, there is something I have to ask. You own me this explanation and you know what I’m talking about. Joker mentioned and I quote ‘not because I didn’t forgive him for how this started’. How did his start? And don’t you lie to me! I remember you getting back from the streets in a way I have never seen before. And I also cleaned your Batsuit once and didn’t have the courage to ask what was that mess all about. Tell me” Alfred said turning around and leaning close to the sink as he crossed his arms close to his chest

Bruce felt his gut twist and his heart accelerate on his chest. All that guilt and shame came back suddenly, making him feel he was undeserving of having Joker back. Maybe that’s why he left, maybe he lied and was still scared of him and that was the only way to  **escape** him. All those insecurities were loud on Bruce’s mind in a way they hadn’t been for long. He looked at Alfred, who had the most serious expression carved on his face and tried to find the courage to tell him. How could he tell his own father that he had raped Joker and almost killed him? And also fell in love for him over time. How could he even  **begin** to explain all that? It would sound that Joker was just buying himself time to run away since the beginning. 

“Alfred… I did unspeakable things to him… for months. I almost killed him… but that one night he started crying before I… and then I… just couldn’t leave him there and I panicked and brought him to the Batcave… and…” Bruce said fast and almost crying, feeling despair take control over him

“You are going to put yourself together and tell me everything, Bruce. I won’t sugar coat you on this one. Assume what you did. Say the words. I think I know, but you **will** say it to me” Alfred said dead serious and still with his arms crossed

Bruce felt tears start rolling down his cheeks and his hands were shaking.

“I... raped him, Alfred. Many times… and I beat him up every time I saw him too. He killed Rachel and that was all I could think about. I was blind by hatred. I’m so ashamed of myself… you saw the Batsuit one night right after I did it… I tried to hide it from you… it was all stained with blood… and you know what else... I can’t even say I didn’t know what I was doing, of course, I did. I searched for him just to do it again, I  **wanted** to make him suffer as much as he could bear… it was always at night and with time he stopped running and fighting against me, he had no strength anymore. And even so, I continued. But I didn’t notice he was close to dying until I had to do something to prevent him from doing so. I didn’t notice he was skin and bone and that he had new cuts all over his arms. I just realized it all at once one night I was going to do it again and he started crying. That was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen or heard in my life. And then he passed out and I carried him to the light and that’s when I realized that if I left him there, he would die. He had this huge cut on his arm, it looked so infected… there was dry blood on this sleeves… he was burning with fever and it was going to rain soon… I couldn’t see how bruised he was on the dark but in the light… it revealed to me how much of a monster I’ve become. I’m so ashamed of what I did Alfred, I never forgave himself for that… I’m sorry I disappointed you as a son, I don’t think I deserve to be loved after all that, I don’t even deserve to be alive anymore” Bruce said with his throat tight, avoiding to look at Alfred

“Killing yourself won’t erase this, or fix it. You can’t make it up to him, or to me or even yourself. What you did was monstrous and yes, Bruce, I’m very disappointed at you. I didn’t raise you to be a rapist and a torturer. You dishonored me and your shame is not misplaced” Alfred said sharply

Bruce started sobbing and covered his face with his hands. Alfred was resisting the impulse to comfort him, he was indeed repulsed by Bruce’s actions, but he knew Rachel was dead because of Joker. He had horrible thoughts on his mind on the days that followed her death and often wondered what would he do if he had the chance to have revenge over it. Didn’t justify what Bruce did, although he was certainly familiar with the hatred. After some time Alfred gave in on watching Bruce cry and torture himself on his mind, approaching him slowly and touching his arm. Witnessing him cry was something Alfred wasn’t used to yet.

“I spoke my mind and scolded you enough about it… For now... I want to know what happened next, I’m still shocked you two ended up together, to be frank, it’s quite disturbing when one knows the truth” Alfred said still serious but in a softer way

“I know, right? I thought I was going crazy when I started to have feelings for him. I took him to that room on the Batcave and started to treat him there. He had sepsis, Alfred! If I had left him on the rain it was a matter of days for his organs to start shutting down from the blood poisoning. I had to lock him down there in the room, I didn’t trust him to be around the house and I was afraid someone might show up and try to kill him, knowing he was so frail. He was so scared to see me at first but I’ve noticed he looked at me differently from time to time. I was worried sick about him every day but soon I was just finding excuses to be down there with him. I was all so confusing, I was fascinated by him. One day Scarecrow poisoned me and I came back to the Batcave. I opened his door because I thought I was going to die and that he would die locked inside too. He helped me back to reality and it just... Happened... We kissed. From that day on, it all went so fast. I even spent a horrible amount of time reading about Stockholm Syndrome to make sure that wasn’t the case. I know this sounds crazy, but… I fell in love for him and when I told him he said he loved me too. He has a copy of the key, he could have just left, I gave him that choice. I know it’s hard to believe, but we were happy, he made me happy. And when he left... I just... lost it, I’m still believing I’m going to wake up from this nightmare and he will be by my side in bed, but when I open my eyes, he’s not there”

“I’m still perplexed, Bruce. How on Earth did he allow you to touch him again? I’m assuming you’re intimate with him” Alfred said looking confused, not caring if that was a touchy topic

“It was a whole process, I guess… At first, we just kissed and with time we started doing more… But he got triggered so many times in the beginning, he still does from time to time. I remember I couldn’t take his shirt off in the beginning, I even avoided touching him under his clothes. Don’t get me wrong, he wanted to do things too… he often started and when he froze during it I stopped right away. Oh, it got so dark sometimes... it was an accident but he got terribly triggered, he yelled at me like he had just woken up on the Batcave. I thought his memory had hit the reset button and that I had lost him. The way his memory works is a complete mystery, it reset once and he doesn’t remember his life before being Joker, I was always afraid one day he would wake up and be someone I’ve never seen, without any of our memories. I was shocked when I first heard him play the piano on the main study! He’s not a professional, but he knows a couple of things. Every time I had a glimpse of J’s past self it’s fascinating but also so scary because it has absolutely nothing to do with him. If he had a wife or husband or a family he totally forgot about it” Bruce said anguished 

“And even so, you want to be with him… I guess that’s the point, accepting people for what they are. Seems awfully complicated, but maybe it isn’t. Two people with a terrible past want to move on and be happy together. It all comes down to how much love and forgiveness you can give each other... Did you say he played the piano? I would never expect that from someone like him” Alfred said in a reflexive way

“Yeah, it freaked me out… it was so fucking interesting to watch, but also weird… Alfred, what if I see him tomorrow and he doesn’t want to come back? He left  **you** a message, not me. What if he sees me there and leaves without even talking to me?” Bruce said anxiously

“I think that if you take a shower and change your clothes for once there is a big chance he will talk to you. I can go there first and you can wait in the car if you want” Alfred suggested

“Ok, we can try that... But in my defense, it’s hard to shower with the stitches in my back. It hurts and also… J made them, I was in so much pain I didn’t want to look or touch them” Bruce said gloomily

“I’ll remove them now, it’s about time,” Alfred said making a gesture with his head to indicate Bruce should go with him

“Now?” Bruce asked grumpily

“Yes, now! Do you have anything scheduled for the next twenty minutes? I’ll get some things and prepare a bath for you. You should use that bathtub more, it’s the best thing about this house if I may be honest”

“What is so special about that bathtub that everyone loves it but me? Takes ages to fill it, and get everything and clean it later. You'll have to share it with J if he comes back” Bruce said brightening up a little. Maybe Joker and Alfred had some things in common they could eventually talk about

“Oh I prefer my bathtub without male criminals from Arkham, but that’s just my personal taste” The older man answered joking 

Bruce waited until Alfred called him to remove his stitches on the bathroom, feeling better when he entered the place and caught the scent of essential oils in the air coming from the bathtub. Alfred brought two little benches for them to sit as he took care of his task. He helped Bruce take off his T-shirt and took a look at the stitches before he continued.

“They are not bad, he made a good job in here. I’ll just sterilize the area and remove them. Won’t be long” Alfred informed him

Bruce felt some chills as Alfred applied rubbing alcohol on his back and some weird discomfort as he felt the lines being pulled from his skin. Made him remember when he removed Joker’s stitches the year before.

“Ok, I’m done here. Now take your bath, Master Bruce” Alfred said as he got up and left

Bruce looked at the scar on his back, wishing he wasn’t so angry at Joker that night. He spent almost two weeks living that night again and again, paranoid to figure if maybe he said or did something that could make Joker leave. He knew he shouldn’t have said that about Scarecrow, regret whiplashed him at the very moment he finished his sentence. But was that enough to make him leave without saying goodbye? He wished he had the chance to apologize for whatever made him leave. Bruce had always been inflexible on his arguing, but now he didn’t care to know who was right or wrong, didn’t want to fight and win the argument, he was just willing to say anything that would make things right again. Even if it meant assuming guilt for something that wasn’t his fault.

He didn't start cleaning himself right away when he entered the bathtub, being there quietly was soothing. His thoughts started drifting and soon he caught himself wondering where Joker could be and what was he doing the night before he planned to leave Gotham. Would he continue to be a criminal someplace else? Would he just live with the money he made? What was he wearing and how was his hair? Maybe he retouched the color or changed it. So many things he wanted to know and the answers never seemed so distant.

In that exact moment, Joker was on his apartment, far away from the Manor. He had to wait some days to go there because he was afraid Bruce could show up and make him change his mind. He actually wanted Bruce to punch him in the face and get angry at him for leaving and arguing until he had nothing else to say and then returning to the Manor. He was secretly waiting for him to show up at any moment, every little noise on his house made him wish it was Bruce entering. And even though he was dying inside, his decision was made. He had to free Bruce from himself, he had to give him a chance to be truly happy and that means vanishing completely. Joker knew that if he stayed, neither of them could move on, they would just haunt each other.

Joker thought about arranging things in Gotham so he could leave his crime empire run itself, give some instructions to his guys but it all seemed so ridiculously unimportant. He pretty much spent the last two weeks being miserable and drinking and having horrible shifts of making up his mind to go back to the Manor or to get the next bus and leave at once. Joker wasn’t aware but he had been mistreating himself again, drinking with an empty stomach and smoking a lot. He craved cutting himself, but every time he was ready to do it, he remembered how Bruce was proud of him for fighting against it so he just couldn’t find the courage to do it anymore.

Bruce was in his mind all the time, there was no escaping from it. Everything evoked a memory of the time they spent together. Joker hated himself for making his lover suffer but he was convinced Bruce could get over it with time. That handsome guy probably had Alfred back home by now… and the butler would reassure him all the time that it’s better off this way. 

Joker was constantly tempted to go to the park and wait there sitting still on the bench until he could talk to Alfred if he eventually went there. And also not showing up at all was a strong idea on his head... It was just a waste of time, Alfred would never want to say anything to him before he left. He felt pathetic for even considering that was a possibility.

Being attached to dates and calendars was unlike him, he usually didn’t even know what day of the week it was but this small paper calendar on the corner of his kitchen was mocking at his face. He still had to wait another night and morning.

As he drank, the liquid made his throat and stomach burn and his head started to get foggy. Drinking never made him aggressive to others, it made him reckless about himself. Gave him an extreme urge to wander the city alone, not being too careful where and never taking in consideration that being drunk made his coordination terrible to walk around rooftops and use fire scapes. 

Joker had this weird relationship with alcohol. He loved drinking, obviously. He liked to get drunk, even when he was ok. But drinking alone usually made him gloomy and pushed him to a dark place on his mind. And at the same time, sometimes he drank because that’s where he wanted to be, in the darkest corners, because he knew his darkness well. And it satisfied him to feel a pain that he was familiar with instead of pain that he had no control of, that certainly exceeded his tolerance for emotional pain. 

Tonight, however, he was too curious about the next day and too willing not to die by accident so he decided to drink himself to sleep in the hopes he wouldn’t be alone at the park waiting for someone that didn’t want him anymore. 


	24. Chapter 24

Finally, the day came. Bruce watched the sunrise on his bedroom, giving up sleeping after some hours of anxious thoughts with his eyes closed. Even as Batman he couldn’t remember being so tired, made everything half reality and half nightmare all the time, sleep deprivation was a cruel thing. His face was hurting, especially close to his eyes, they were irritated and his facial muscles were tense. It didn’t matter if it was extremely cold outside, he wanted to go there and wait for the whole day if he had to. Alfred was against it, he said it was freezing, probably with too much wind on the park and they could go a couple of hours before the time if it made him less anxious. He was anxious himself to get this over with too, although he kept that information from Bruce.

All of the sudden, Bruce said he was leaving for a while, getting his car keys and a coat.

“And where do you think you’re going? Wait a bit more and we’ll go together” Alfred said trying to read the newspaper on one of the many couches they had at the Manor

“Won’t be long” he answered briefly

Alfred turned around to ask him where he was going, not that he disapproved of him going outside the property for the first time in two weeks, he just wanted to know what could be so important to make him do so. Something about Joker, that was the only logical assumption, but what could it be?

Alfred was starting to get nervous as time passed and Bruce didn't come back, soon he had to go to the park, even without Bruce if necessary. But he forgot about the plans he was making on his head for the past ten minutes when he heard Bruce enter the Manor again, slowly walking where Alfred was.

“Alfred, could you please do me a favor?”

“Sure, Master Bruce”

“Can you get this and take to Joker’s room? Leave it on the bed” he said looking at a bag he brought with him

“I can, but why don't you go there yourself?” Alfred said getting the bag from Bruce’s hand

“I don't like to be there… without him” Bruce answered looking down

“Well, I’m sure you won’t have to deal with that for much longer,” the older man said smiling briefly

 

Joker woke up startled on his living room, he slept on the couch for no reason at all except he was too drunk to go to his bed. Some seconds after waking up, he heard knocks on his door, which was weird, to say the least. Suddenly panicking for not knowing the time, he just went fast to see who it was. What if he lost the time and it was Bruce? The idea terrified him to death. He opened the door fast and saw someone unexpected.

“Jonathan? What are you doing here?” Joker said confused

“Oh, Christ! So you  **are** alive!” Scarecrow answered sounding relieved and taking a few steps away from the door as he placed his hand on his forehead

“What are you talking about?” Joker asked, still confused

“Joker! The  **shooting** ! You disappeared right after it and  **no one** heard a thing ever since! I thought you were dead!”

“It’s been ages since that!” He said, implying that was supposed to be an old topic

“Precisely! How could I fucking know?”

They went silent for a moment, having Scarecrow there at his doorstep was a sight Joker thought he would never see again. He was wearing that one light brown coat, Joker always liked how he looked on it.

“What time is it?” Joker asked him

“It’s almost eleven… Look, I know you don’t want me here, I just… had to know, ok?” Scarecrow said in an apologetic way

“Don’t worry, my guys know how to manage the part of our agreement that benefits you, they could do it without me” Joker said in a harsh way

Scarecrow blinked heavily and sighed. That was one good thing about him, he was transparent when something hurt his feelings.

“Must you always be this… I don’t know… rude to me?” Scarecrow asked upset

That was a difficult answer. Joker never felt bad for treating Scarecrow harshly ever since they split up, he thought he deserved that. But being honest to himself, he was never nice to him, rarely showed him affection as a partner would. Maybe because he always felt invaded by him or maybe because he simply didn’t feel like that for him. Joker was sure the time he spent with Bruce changed him. He learned to be observant to things, to listen and to forgive. Scarecrow never saw this side of him and he was still worried enough to go there knock his door. 

“Oh Joker, nevermind, you already answered. Good to see you are alive, that’s the only reason why I came here” Scarecrow said turning around to leave, almost regretting coming all his way to this part of town

Joker watched him take a few steps away from him. He would always walk slowly when he wanted Joker to say something, to stop him from walking away. This time, however, he wasn’t expecting anything from him, it was obvious for the way he was walking. Joker followed his steps fast, just to reach for his arm, it didn’t feel right to let him leave so upset.

“Jonathan…? What happened to you?” Joker asked as Scarecrow took Joker’s hand away from where he touched. There was something underneath his sleeves.

“Bullet hit my arm right there during the shooting, I was almost out but it still got me. It’s getting better, you don’t have to pretend you care” he said without turning around

“Look, I don’t have much time, there is this really important thing I have to do today... but still… do you want to come in and talk for a while?” Joker offered 

Jonathan felt something unfamiliar take control over him, he couldn’t decide if it was simple happiness or some old flames warming his heart a little. He had no idea, he just didn’t want that to fade away too fast.

He turned around and said “Actually, I do, Joker… I won’t stay long, don’t want to get in your way” he assured him

Joker opened the door for them and they sat on the couch on the living room. Joker started asking him about his arm if it was a bad injury and if he managed to make that new substance he talked about before the shooting. Scarecrow answered saying it bleed a lot on that night even with the fast removal of the bullet and quick treatment, he was having some problems healing it. 

“Ok, I didn’t want to have to say this to you because I know very little about it but… Don’t you think maybe you should take a break on the things you…  **_use_ ** every day? I think they might be screwing your healing” Joker said trying not to offend him

“Is it that obvious?” Jonathan asked grumpily

“I know you... Look, I never said it... but I never thought it was safe for you to test so much of your stuff on yourself to decide if it’s working or not. You never really stopped on that purple one, did you?” Joker asked in a low tone

“I wish that was the only one… No, I didn’t stop until today” Scarecrow admitted

The purple substance he was talking about was hallucinogenic, it was some drops of liquid he could ingest with water. This one was the opposite from his Fear Gas, it would make the user hallucinate about pleasant things.

“Honestly, I wish I could say I know what I’m doing… but that’s bullshit. Had to pay this nurse to inject the antidote on me some months ago, I started shaking a lot for some seconds and she stabilized me” Jonathan continued, avoiding eye contact

“ **Wait** , you’re telling me you  **knew** you were taking a dose that was too high and  **paid** someone to watch over you while you drugged yourself and fucking prevent you from having an overdose?!” Joker asked angrily

“That’s a way to put it”

“That’s the  **only** way to put it! Jonathan, you’re fucking brilliant! Stop doing this to your brain and yourself!” Joker said making the man sitting close to him look straight in his eyes

“I will… I went back taking just a few drops after that” he said looking awfully embarrassed

They went silent for another moment. Joker feeling guilty for never saying a word about Scarecrow’s substance abuse and Jonathan feeling strangely satisfied for having someone validate he needed help with it. And also, because apparently, Joker cared enough to be mad at him for it. People would usually just assume he was that weird clever guy doing his own drugs but too smart to get in trouble, too smart to overdose. He could come up with any substance and antidote, he was just too clever to have a problem with addiction, right? Well, Scarecrow found out the hard way that addiction has nothing to do with intellect.

“Hey… I don’t want to be rude but… why were you so worried about me? I mean, you found me that other time and I looked terrible but you didn’t come back after it to check on me. So why did you come now? You didn’t even see me get shot that night” Joker asked

“Oh, I’ve seen you do horrible things to your body, Joker… But you’re resilient, you can endure so much. You might twist and bend and break **and** put yourself together again in a billion different ways… but you’re not bulletproof. I never saw you so skinny and bruised  **and** cut like that time but somehow I really believed you could get better, didn’t really believed you would die. The shooting was a whole different deal”

“You were wrong… so was I… I had blood poisoning later. Almost died” He said in an almost inaudible tone 

“He saved you, did him?” Scarecrow asked quietly

“Who?” Joker asked suspiciously 

“The person you’re with now… I don’t know who it is, but he saved you right?”

“Well...yeah… how do you know?”

“It was painfully clear when you opened the door, that I wasn’t the one you wanted to see. You looked disappointed. And your place has a lot of beer cans and bottles, looks like break up or fight to me” Scarecrow confessed

“Alright, Sherlock, you’re right, just don’t tell anyone. I’ll talk to him again today, maybe we can figure this out”

“I’ll leave you to it, I guess…” Scarecrow said standing up

Joker walked him to the door and said goodbye. As Scarecrow left using the fire escape he couldn’t avoid thinking how much Joker has changed. This person, whoever he was, made him so much more considerate. Certainly not out there on the streets and with his gang, but to him… Joker said he would talk to his guy, talk to solve things. Scarecrow was always bitter for Joker’s lack of interest on him, never asked if he was ok, he was always so distant and harsh. Didn’t matter how gently Joker could be now anyway, Scarecrow knew that Joker would never change for him, maybe for his new partner, but never for him. He tried everything, maybe they had already said everything they would ever say to each other. And he had no other option but to live with that. 

Joker didn’t have much longer to get ready, he just put himself together, got a coat and a black surgical mask and left. As he sat on the subway and thought about the streets he should take to reach his destination, he was also terrified to think that maybe he wasn’t going to meet anyone there. Maybe Alfred had nothing to say to him and didn’t even bother to go there in such cold weather. Or worse, maybe Bruce knew and  **decided** not to go. While leaving the subway he felt the cold wind blowing on his masked face and started his walk. 

As he approached the park, he noticed no one has been there for a long time, not even Bruce went there. There were no marks on the snow close to where people could park their cars. Joker sat on the bench, the same place he invited Bruce to sit close to him and have coffee last Christmas. The memory made some tears fall down, wetting his mask. Looking at his watch, he still had twenty minutes in the cold before he could expect to see anyone. He took off his mask and let the wind blow his tears away from his face.

Three o’clock came, but it came alone. He stood up from the bench and started walking impatiently around a tree, feeling his heart crush inside his chest, more tears following. Fifteen minutes passed and he believed that only more loneliness would follow the next forty-five minutes he said he would be there on his video. This was torture. He touched the trunk of the tree as if he was just catching his breath to walk all his way to his house again. But then, he heard a car approaching. 

He almost had a heart attack but still wasn’t sure it was Alfred, he had never seen Alfred’s car before. That was certainly not Bruce’s. He watched it stop and Alfred got out of it fast, searching for something with his sight. When his eyes landed on Joker, he talked to someone inside the vehicle, making Joker even more anxious. 

The park wasn’t big but the place cars could reach was a little bit away from where Joker was. Alfred walked fast toward him and Joker couldn’t take his eyes out of his car, trying to see who was inside it. 

“Sorry, we are late. There was an accident some blocks away from here, the snow didn’t help” Alfred said as he got closer

“We?” Joker asked filled with hope

“Bruce is here, in the car. He wants you back, Joker. Last weeks were rough” Alfred informed him

“Why didn’t he get here with you?” Joker asked looking to the car

“He wasn’t sure you wanted to see him. Can I tell him to come?”

“Yes! I’m a complete idiot, I just wanna see him again” Joker said anguished, not caring if this was his first time talking to Alfred

“Just a minute” Alfred promised walking again to the car

When he was midway there, Bruce could see Alfred’s expression from inside the car. He was there waiting painfully, trying to see what was going on there. Alfred was smiling at him and when they made eye contact, he nodded. 

Bruce didn’t waste another moment inside the car, he opened the door and stood next to it, to see where Joker was. When he saw him, he started running in his direction. He knew Joker changed his mind when their eyes meet. Alfred stopped midway to the car to watch the scene.

“Bruce!” Joker cried standing under the tree and soon taking a few steps to meet Bruce’s embrace

“J!” Bruce cried back as they held each other strongly

Bruce ran fast to Joker and hugged him strongly, making them lose their balance and fall in the snow under them. They were still holding each other as their lives depended on it. Bruce started crying, burying his face on Joker’s neck. 

“I thought I had lost you forever” he cried between sobs

“Oh Bruce, I’m so sorry… I’m never leaving you again, I promise” Joker said as he rubbed Bruce’s back

He let Bruce cry more, that’s the least he could do. When he calmed down enough, Joker looked at him. He wasn’t expecting to see Bruce like this, he seemed devastated. Nothing accused it more than his eyes, they were swollen from countless hours of crying and he clearly didn’t sleep well for a long time.

“Come here” Joker said gently, inviting Bruce to kiss him by looking at his lips and bringing him closer

They kissed. Bruce was still holding him strongly. They could feel each other’s fast heartbeats. But Bruce stopped the kiss after some time and continued crying on Joker’s shoulder, they were still on the ground. That’s when it hit Joker on how much pain he had caused to the one he loves. Alfred approached them slowly. Joker looked at him. “ _ How bad is it?”  _ Joker asked with his eyes. And Alfred said “ _ Later” _ with his lips, not making a sound.

“Please,  **please** , come home with me” Bruce said weakly

“I will” Joker reassured him, helping him sit on the cold ground

“I’ll drive you too back to the Manor” Alfred said gently

“No, wait! Stay there too, Alfred” Bruce said growing anxious for a moment

“If that’s what you too want” he answered

“Sure, it’s your house too, Alfred” Joker said getting up with Bruce

They walked to the car, Joker holding Bruce by his waistline. Inside the car, they sat together in the back and Bruce leaned on him, never letting go of his arm. He seemed in shock somehow, maybe he was holding too much in for too long, Joker thought to himself. 

When they arrived, Alfred said he would give them some privacy but they could reach for him in case they needed anything. Joker suggested resting for a while, maybe taking a nap, he was concerned with Bruce’s exhausted expression. 

They went to Joker’s bedroom to find it exactly the way it was before he left, except for a gift box over the sheets.

“I bought it for you, wasn’t sure you would ever open it, but here it is,” Bruce said sitting on the bed. “It’s a ‘welcome back’ gift” he added, smiling in the corner of his mouth

Joker didn’t know what to say, again. Everything felt so heavy, although he was always happy to receive anything from Bruce. He got the present and sat by his side to open it, thanking him and giving him a kiss on the cheek. He held his breath as he undid the packaging, it was his perfume, only this time it was a bigger bottle.

“Last time I gave you the smaller one, lasted a year. Figured that if I gave you the bigger one maybe you would stay longer this time” Bruce explained

Joker felt guilt burn his soul, this was heartbreaking to hear. Sweet, but heartbreaking. 

“I’m not leaving you again Bruce, I’ve made a huge mistake, please forgive me when you are ready for it… And I love the gift, I always do” He said hugging him

Joker lay down next to him under the covers and waited for Bruce to sleep. He wasn’t that tired, the company was all he wanted. The green haired man noticed his lover was taking quite a while to fall asleep but let him be. After almost an hour, he could finally hear him breathing heavily, the way he would do when sleeping. 

Joker napped as well, waking up thirsty and tiptoeing to the door not to wake Bruce up. He found Alfred on the kitchen having some tea.

“Where is Master Bruce?” he asked

“Still sleeping” he answered before taking a sip on his glass of water and sitting on the other side of the table

“That’s good, he hardly slept while you weren’t here,” Alfred said, also sipping his tea

“What happened to him? I’ve never seen him look like this” Joker asked concerned

“What happened to him is that you left out of the blue and he couldn’t cope. I was here when he lost his parents and when he lost Rachel and still, I have never been so concerned. I don’t want to start with the wrong foot with you, Joker, but I’m warning you: Don’t you dare to do something like this to him ever again” Alfred said holding a serious expression

“I won’t... If I knew he would react this way I would have never even thought about it” Joker answered

“Honestly, what did you expect?” Alfred asked

“I expected him to be sad at first... and angry later… thought he would hate me after he was done being sad. Caught me out of guard to hear him cry like that on the park” Joker admitted

“To be fair, so did I. First time I see him react like this. Help me keep an eye on him” Alfred said finishing his tea

“Alfred… I need to know what I am dealing with... No reason to hide anything from me, I wanna help him as much as you do” Joker said carefully, he was starting to understand the severity of the problem and fear for it

“I won’t lie… he showed all the signs of someone with a suicidal mindset. I could hear despair when he cried, almost like he was mourning his own death. Wouldn’t eat, take care of himself, do anything at all. And I mean, anything at all. I didn’t see him leaving the property. Looked like he had given up on everything. I even locked the ways to the roof and all the medicine in the house is hidden”

This time, Alfred didn’t sound angry, he sounded sad. It was his son after all. Joker listened wide-eyed and covering with mouth with his hand in shock. He would have  **never** imagined in his most terrifying nightmares that Bruce could think of ending his life, sounded extremely unnatural to him. 

“Oh mine… what have I done?” Joker asked in a low voice staring at the table. “Did he try anything? Did you catch him doing something dangerous?” He asked more concerned than ever

“I don’t think he tried anything, but I’m not exaggerating” Alfred warned him

“I believe you, you wouldn’t lie about something like this. What are we going to do?” Joker asked desperate to find answers from his lover’s father

But they would have to wait, they heard a door opening and abruptly stopped the conversation. Bruce was coming down the stairs and walked until he was close to the kitchen’s door, not entering.

Alfred frowned and got up from his chair to see him, Joker following. He was right there, outside the kitchen, but very pale. 

“Master Bruce, what happened?” he asked touching his shoulder

“Nothing… I just need some water… and when did you two become a team?” he joked a little as he passed the door, referring to the fact both Joker and Alfred glared at him simultaneously with a  _ you can lie better than this _ look

 

The night came colder than the day, inside the Manor there was a heating system but not to all areas. The place was huge so Bruce thought it was a waste of money to include every single room. He and Joker were on a room where the heating wasn't so good, the next room was as cold as outside and Joker could feel the cold winter on his fingers as he touched the wall. Bruce was reading after dinner and Joker just followed him. 

Alfred went there to excuse himself, announcing he would go to his accommodations. He was happy to observe Bruce ate something and was reading something from the library. Somehow made him feel better that Bruce was interested in his life again, at least enough to know the ending of a story he left in the middle.

Eventually, they went upstairs to get ready to sleep, it was a bit late, the nap they took made them stay up for longer at night. Joker left the bathroom and found Bruce in the corridor, only the light coming from Joker’s bedroom illuminating his silhouette. Bruce looked shaken like his soul had just returned to his body all of a sudden and was still adapting to it. Maybe he would take some time to align his thoughts to a normal pattern.

“My dear, tell me what happened earlier today. Why were you so pale?” Joker asked gently while holding his hands

Bruce let himself smile with the way Joker called him.

“Nothing, really… I woke up and… you weren't there. You were downstairs, it's just… made me remember…”

“No need to explain more, I got it. Hey… it's ok to have a bad feeling about some things, I fucked up, not your fault. Be honest to me, alright? You know I'm terrible at guessing what people feel but I want to make things right again” He said looking at him with sincerity

Bruce kissed him, this time he knew he wouldn't burst into tears. He missed him so much, thought he would never see him again. For the way Joker kissed him back, Bruce knew Joker missed him too. He put his arms around Joker, close to his waistline as he continued kissing him passionately. Joker could feel Bruce was starting to get hard under his clothes, which was unexpected to him. He thought it would take some time for Bruce to even think about it again, he had been under a lot of stress.

“Oh, sorry…” Bruce said blushing for how fast his body reacted to their kissing

“I'm just surprised, didn't know you wanted to do it” Joker said in a low tone, close to Bruce’s ear

“I haven't done anything since that day… I tried, but I just couldn't… I'm just… so horny” He said on Joker's ear, blushing even more

“So you don't come for a while, hun?” he asked in a seductive way, starting to touch Bruce's volume between his legs

“No” Bruce answered biting his lower lip

“Let's do something about it, shall we?” Joker said kissing Bruce on his neck, making the other moan

They went to Joker’s bedroom, closing the door behind them and continuing to make out right there, Joker pressing Bruce's body against the door. Bruce moaned again when he felt Joker’s hard on press against his own.

“J, take me” he gasped between kisses

“Come here” Joker said taking them to bed and taking their clothes off on the process

Joker lay on the top of Bruce, still kissing him, sometimes touching his face or holding his hips. Always having a good view of his defined body. He went down on Bruce, which made him arch his back and gasp. Bruce reached for the drawer they always had lube and condoms and handed him the lube.

Joker started to move his fingers inside him and Bruce, unable to contain himself, started to meet Joker fingers with his own movements, grabbing the sheets close to his hands.

Bruce was ready for it, but before they continued, he stroked Joker while kissing his balls and later sucked him eagerly. Joker moaned with every touch, he missed the way Bruce made him crazy in bed. 

Joker got on the top of him again, their bodies pressing each other with desire.

“So, how do you want it?” Joker asked touching Bruce's lips with his fingers in a provocative way

Bruce licked the tip of Joker’s finger before answering. 

“Like this” he answered bending his legs and making himself more exposed

Joker gave himself a good stroke before getting in position, turned him on a lot to see Bruce this way, asking for it. Joker pressed himself against Bruce's entrance making them both shiver with the contact. Later he put more of his length inside, resisting tortuously not to fuck him right away.

When Bruce adjusted to him, Joker started to fuck him. He had his hands on the bed and arms stretched so he could see Bruce's face. The man under him arched his back and bent his legs so he could go deeper, getting more pleasure from every thrust. Joker started to fuck him faster because Bruce was moaning more, but Bruce touched his chest to make him stop.

“Let's do it slower tonight” he said

“Sure, anything you want” Joker answered

The atmosphere changed, Joker fucked him the way he asked, slower. He wouldn't take his full length out but he felt himself go deep on Bruce, every thrust lasted longer. At some point, Joker leaned closer to Bruce's face and started kissing him. Bruce showed more arousal with his movements, this was great for both of them.

They stopped kissing and looked at each other as Joker continued to do him. They had that drunken expression of desire, of also of something much greater. 

“I love you, J” Bruce said feeling himself getting closer, thoughts getting foggy 

“I love you too, Bruce” he said leaning again to kiss him

Joker pushed himself a bit harder inside Bruce, fucking him to come soon. Bruce felt those thrusts inside him and Joker’s balls pressing against his sensitive entrance but what made him come was Joker muffling the sound of his moans with his kiss. He came hard and Joker let him moan loudly by the end, while Bruce evolved him with his arms. 

Having Bruce come and feeling his hot seed between them was enough to put Joker on the edge. Bruce gave him a nod, indicating he could continue. After some deep thrust and Bruce teasing him, touching his sensitive places on his ass, he also came. Bruce moaned too as he felt himself be filled by him.

Joker pulled out carefully and rolled to the side. He looked at Bruce for a while and kissed him, both still panting. After kissing, Joker put his arm around him for a while.

“I’ve missed you so much” Joker said on his ear

“Me too” Bruce answered quietly

“Did you like it? Hope it was what you wanted” Joker said referring to what they just made

“It was all I wanted” Bruce said looking into Joker’s eyes. “I love J, don't ever doubt that” 

“I never did, never will. And I love you too. Let's sleep, ok? You look tired…  and I promise I'll be by your side in the morning when you wake up” Joker said crossing their fingers together

“Always?” Bruce asked almost in a demanding way

“For as long as I may live” Joker promised, giving him a kiss on this hand

 

The night went on cold outside, the wind made the tree branches and leaves make noises typical from a storm approaching. But inside the Manor, the storm had already passed. Maybe it shattered too much and it was painful to look at the sharp broken pieces they would have to mend together again, but they would do it twice if needed. Their minds could be seen as tainted for the tortuous story they shared, with all its sorrowed beauty and gruesome details, but their love was pure.


	25. Epilogue

“Wake up sleepy head, Alfred and I are waiting for you to wake up all morning” Joker said gently as he touched Bruce’s hair

“What for? It’s Saturday and I’ve been out all night… thanks to some green haired anarchist” he said joking, although it was true

“Alfred and I talked about it and, for a change, we agreed on something. We wanna take you to a place for a little surprise” 

Joker said that referring to the fact he and Alfred disagreed on each other for sport, even on the smallest things just to see how annoying they could be. It was even fun to watch. 

“Wow, wait! You and Alfred  **agreed** on something, I want to know what this place looks like! Does it has exploding hospitals and the best tea in town?” Bruce said mocking them, getting out of bed

Joker and Alfred had their differences, but they joined forces determined to make Bruce recover more from all the mental storm he had faced months ago. He was doing better, but some things still felt out of tune with his personality and since he would never agree to seek a therapist, claiming that hiding so much in every session would make him feel worse, they came up with an alternative.

At first, Alfred and Joker wouldn’t talk too much, when they had something to say it was always about Bruce. Living on the same house, however, made them develop mutual respect for each other as time passed and eventually, Bruce caught them talking about random subjects as Joker smoked outside. In another afternoon, he heard Joker asking him about his life when he was a teenager, what did he liked to do and about his friends from that time. Bruce wasn’t the type to sneak on people’s conversations but he stopped to listen. Alfred was a father to him and for that reason, it was difficult to picture him as a teenager. For Bruce, Alfred had always been this polite, sophisticated man with impeccable skills on both cooking and helping him with everything that involved being Batman. Picturing him as a teenage Alfred, studying in a school, sometimes copying his homework from his friends and maybe having one of his first crushes on a girl was an interesting thought. 

“Oh finally you too are up! Tea? Coffee?” Alfred offered as they came to a cozy living room

“Coffee” they said at the same time

“Let me guess, no sugar for the punk here and four teaspoons for the grown man that does not admit he likes sweets?” Alfred said teasing them as he folded his newspapers to go make the coffee

“Good to see you too getting along” Bruce said brightening up

Alfred turned to look at Joker as he left the living room.

“What, this guy? He’s insufferable!” Alfred said in a slightly dramatic way

“He’s just upset because I almost beat him last time we played cards” Joker said in a low tone but loud enough for the other man to listen

“Almost beat me? You wish, Mr. Joker, you wish” Alfred said leaving

They sat on the couch and Bruce got the newspaper to take a look, maybe there was something about Batman there. Joker said he would change into a light long sleeve shirt with a hood and get his mask so they could leave soon. As Bruce waited alone in the living room, he couldn’t avoid thinking about a particular conversation the three of them had in that same place some weeks after Joker came back. His lover sat on his left side and his father on his right. 

They had waited a good moment to address their biggest concern about him. Bruce didn't deny it, being more explicit on how dark his mindset was back then. He was honest, said he had the thoughts all the time on those two weeks. As they imagined, he didn't have anything planned, but he said it didn’t make it any less painful. They both told Bruce how much he was loved by them and how precious his life was. They asked if he was still having bad thoughts and he said the same lack of interest in life would still haunt him sometimes, but that they shouldn't worry. As expected, Joker and Alfred said this subject was too serious to be left like that and made Bruce agree to seek professional help for it and also for his anxiety attacks. He thought it was the most ironical thing in the world to have Joker make him do this and also for starting treatment while his partner didn’t. That made him also remember of something Joker said to him one night while he took his medication.

_ “I know you think I’m bat shit crazy, my love. And maybe I am. But treatment it’s a personal choice, it could have helped me before I guess, but I don’t want it now and you know it is when I don’t want something. The thing is, I know you’re  _ **_strong_ ** _ and I know you can  _ **_endure_ ** _ all that inside your head, but you don’t have to live like this. Your life will be much better when you get rid of that burden. You’re so disciplined, use that to help yourself. Soon you won’t need that anymore” _

 

“Hey, Bruce! Stop tripping off like some weird ass anime character and take your coffee” Joker said from the corridor as he walked

Alfred drove them to a neighborhood away from the center and Bruce started wondering what could be the place they wanted him to see so much. Also, Bruce sat on the front seat and Joker on the back set. According to Alfred, he didn’t have to watch them act like hormonal teenagers all the time. 

“Ok, here we are” Alfred announced after parking the car

When Bruce stepped out, clueless on where he was, Joker pointed to a place on the other side of the street. It was an animal shelter.

“No way!” Bruce said thrilled 

“Let’s go inside, a lot of animals arrived last week, but if you don’t feel that special link with any of them there is another place we can go” Joker said 

Inside the shelter, there was a separate section for dogs and cats. Bruce went for the dogs, making Joker and Alfred look at each other with a  **_We knew it_ ** kind of look. Some of the dogs were older and some were really young. 

“Hey, why is this one alone in here? Doesn’t it has brothers?” Bruce asked out loud

A guy that worked there came to talk to them and opened the cage to let Bruce take a look.

“She was found in an alley by a girl a couple of days ago. No sigh of the mother or other dogs around. That’s difficult, the puppy still needs milk but there are no donations from dog owners. I’ve been giving her the proper treatment for those cases but it’s expensive” The guy said

“How big do you think she will get?” Bruce asked, growing more interested in her every second

“Can’t be sure, but looking at her paws, she will probably grow a lot. I don’t like to make assumptions and promises about the dogs we have because we know so little about where they come from, but I’ve seen enough German Shepherds puppies to say maybe that’s the case”

Even if the man hadn’t said anything about it possibly being a German Shepherd, Bruce couldn’t take his eyes from the little puppy. The fur was black as night and when it woke up with their conversation it started to wave its tail to play with Bruce. That was love at first sight. 

“I think she likes you” Alfred pointed out as Bruce took the little black puppy on his hands to pet her

“Well, what can I say, she’s coming home with us” Bruce announced happily, making Joker smiled behind him

Meanwhile, someone entered the store.

“Hello, Mr.Chang! I’ll get the usual things, ok?”

The man gathered on the back stopped for a moment to listen to the girl that had arrived, out of curiosity. Her voice was distinct, somehow well tuned and pleasant. The kind of voice that had enough depth to make her sound like an grown woman but still with a young spirit.

“I’m here on the back, I’ll help you soon! These gentlemen here will give that black puppy you found a new home!” Mr. Chang said from where they were

They heard her steps coming in their direction.

“I’m so glad to hear that! Almost considered taking her home with me, she is beautiful isn’t she?” She said with a sweet tone

Bruce, Alfred, and Joker had a surprise when they looked at the lady. She looked way younger than she sounded, definitely on her twenties but could be easily be mistaken for a seventeen-year-old. Black short hair with some waves and petite height. 

“Why didn’t you take her home? Too late to change your mind by the way, but you seem to like her a lot” Bruce asked in a friendly way

The girl giggled in a discrete way, crooking her lips to the left side in a smile. 

“Don’t worry, you all look so well together, could never separate you. Maybe a little feminine touch will give your home a new vibe. I have a cat named Jack and he is an absolute diva, has to be the center of attention at all times. By the way, does she have a name already?” The girl asked while Mr. Chang got her the cat food she wanted  

Bruce looked at his puppy noticing her eyes were a bright orange tone, much like the colors in the sky during nightfall.

“How about Dusk? Do you like, girl?” he asked the puppy in his hands

The puppy reacted to her new owner talking to her and seemed excited.

“I think Dusk deserves her first family picture, if you don’t mind taking it for us” Alfred said getting a digital camera from his pocket

“Of course! Gather up all of you” she said while getting the camera. “Oh, and don’t you wanna take off your mask, sir?” She asked politely

They looked at Joker, who was hesitant on doing it. But there was something on her pitch that made him amused, to say the least. He revealed his face and she took their picture. They got all a little tense, maybe the green hair and scars gave them away. 

“Don’t worry, Dusk and I are very good on keeping secrets” She said with her dark brown eyes filled with meaning while glaring at each of them for some seconds. “Nice to meet you all!” She added, giving the camera back and picking the bag Mr. Chang left for her, soon leaving the store. 

They went silent for a moment and Mr. Chang came to give them instructions about food, vaccinations and the especial care Dusk needed until she grew more. Bruce signed all the paperwork and they bought things there like a leash, bowls for food and water and also a comfortable bed for her.

Joker was carrying her on his lap during their ride back home. The puppy was indeed a pretty thing to see, an innocent prelude of the grown dog she would become one day. Bruce was excited to have Dusk as a new family member and when he turned his neck slightly to take a peek on them on the back seat, the future in the Manor never seemed brighter.


End file.
